A supercool guide to surviving 2019

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/01/2019 (2841 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

It’s the seventh day of the bright and shiny new year, and all you hip and happening kids know exactly what that means, don’t you?

It means you can’t remember a (bad word) thing from the first week of 2019 because, once again, you destroyed way too many brain cells on New Year’s Eve.

But don’t worry, kids, because Uncle Doug is not here to judge you for your questionable lifestyle choices. No, Uncle Doug is here to help you survive the next 12 months by unveiling his much-loved Annual Supercool Guide to What’s In and What’s Out for the New Year, starting with:

OUT: Bitcoin

IN: Biting

BECAUSE: We all know what Bitcoin is, right? Ha, ha, ha! Uncle Doug is only kidding, because no one in their right mind understands these things, with the exception of those boring tech geeks who come up to you at parties and blather on and on and on until you want to slash your own throat with one of the toothpicks holding the appetizers together. Here’s one definition: “It is a decentralized digital currency without a central bank or single administrator that can be sent from user to user on the peer-to-peer Bitcoin network without the need for intermediaries.” Everybody got that? The thing is, as of this month, Bitcoin has been around for a decade, but it was only last year it began to impinge on our consciousness. Instead of babbling about Bitcoin, nerds should just chomp on us with their teeth, because at least that would help us stay awake.

OUT: Baby Shark

IN: Barry White

BECAUSE: We don’t have a small child in our house, but we are assured by modern parents that Baby Shark is the sort of children’s song that can melt the human brain faster than a Donald Trump tweet. It’s a song about a family of sharks that goes like this: “Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo/Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo/Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo/Baby shark!” It became a global phenomenon last year, racking up billions of internet views. We’d rather keep our sanity by listening to the soulful Barry White croon any of his songs, most of which sound like this: “Baby, baby, baby!” Or possibly the theme from Jaws.

OUT: Plastic straws

IN: Stop sucking

BECAUSE: In 2018, dozens of forward-thinking jurisdictions around the world implemented bans on disposable plastic drinking straws, which are polluting our oceans with plastic and are expected to outweigh all the fish in the sea by 2050. Because we love fish and chips, this Christmas we stuffed reusable steel straws into everyone’s stocking. Look, we love inhaling a mint julep through a bendy straw just as much as the next person, but a better alternative would be for everyone in the world to simply stop sucking altogether. It would be a dream come true to live in a world that doesn’t suck, right?

OUT: Jorts/bike shorts

IN: Pants

BECAUSE: We may not be a fashion maven, but we know that people who paraded around this year in super-tight bike shorts and/or “jorts” — a combination of jeans and shorts — redefined the word “dweeb.” According to the Urban Dictionary, jorts are “usually sported by NASCAR aficionados and men over 40. Sometimes jorts are accessorized with a lovely cellphone belt clip and a braided belt, but not always.” It was the hot fashion trend of 2018, but it’s time to put your jorts/bike shorts back in the closet. Or, better yet, burn them. Just go to the store and buy some regular pants, because the sight of your hairy cankles is making us queasy.

OUT: Stupid internet challenges

IN: Not jumping off a bridge

BECAUSE: We were pretty amused a few years back by the Ice Bucket Challenge, wherein people dumped icy water over their heads to raise funds and awareness for the fight against ALS, but this past year things got a little out of hand. We are referring to inane and potentially lethal activities such as the Tide Pod Challenge, wherein teenagers would film themselves intentionally eating Tide detergent pods, prompting warnings from the American Association of Poison Control Centers. Equally stupid was the so-called Kylie Jenner Challenge, wherein gullible young persons inserted their lips in glass jars and sucked all the air out to make their lips resemble two giant livers smushed together. Remember what your parents used to tell you: “Just because your friends jump off a bridge doesn’t mean that you have to.” This year, let’s remember what the internet was invented for — watching stupid cat videos.

OUT: Talking about Portage and Main

IN: Sharing your innermost feelings

BECAUSE: In 2018, pretty much every conversation and/or news report revolved around whether the city should reopen Portage and Main to pedestrian traffic. This city spent an entire year talking about (dramatic pause) an intersection. Well, on the night of the civic election, voters made it clear they wanted to keep the windiest corner in Canada closed. So what do we talk about now that the door has been slammed shut on the hottest local topic? Well, here’s a few conversational starters to try out: “Cold enough for you?” And: “How about those Jets?” Or just put your lips together and whistle. You know how to whistle, don’t you, Winnipeg?

OUT: Legalized pot

IN: Doritos

BECAUSE: The world changed last year when Canadians, for the first time, were allowed to legally smoke recreational marijuana, right? Ha, ha, ha! Wrong! As far as we can tell, nothing changed, other than the fact it’s become even harder to find pot. At least that’s what we heard. On the upside, you no longer have to tell your mom that you’re just burning incense in the basement. The best news is that investors made a fortune investing in Doritos, old Pink Floyd albums and tie-dye T-shirts.

OUT: Donald Trump

IN: Donald Trump

BECAUSE: Yes, this human train wreck is leading civilization to the brink of the abyss, but that seems like a small price to pay considering the entertainment value he provides in the sense that it is virtually impossible to have a conversation with anyone of any political stripe that does not, at some point, touch on The Donald’s insane tweets, his complete lack of a sense of humour or the fact it looks as if a wounded woodland creature climbed on top of his huge orange head and died. We are pretty sure Trump was the inspiration for the Philadelphia Flyers’ new orange-maned, googly-eyed mascot, Gritty. Except, of course, people like Gritty.

OUT: The Jets falling short

IN: The Jets going all the way

BECAUSE: There is no (extremely bad word) way we are going to let the (yet another bad word) Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup before we do. If it will help keep your hometown faith alive, remember this vital piece of hockey trivia: the first team to ever drink champagne out of the Cup was the Winnipeg Victorias after their title in 1896. Bringing the Cup back to our frozen city is something we can all drink to in 2019.

Happy New Year!

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca