Future Oscar winners pitch scripts

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/02/2019 (2714 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

For those of you who don’t have 2019 calendars, allow me to point out there are only — hold on while I count — five more sleeps until the 91st Academy Awards ceremony.

I know you are excited because you and your loved ones will be able to park yourselves in front of your big-screen TV and look on in awe at the exceedingly goofy outfits big-shot Hollywood stars wear on the red carpet.

You will also be able to grab a quick nap while some of these blowhard stars hop up onstage to hand out gold-plated statuettes (each of which is worth $400, by the way) and deliver long-winded speeches that, when they begin, your kids will be in kindergarten, and when they end, your kids will most likely have children of their own.

As for the movies themselves, you have not had time to see any of the nominees because you are too (bad word) busy doing other stuff, such as working, coaching hockey, driving the kids to karate class, picking up takeout food, running to the store because you forgot to buy dog food and updating your Twitter account.

It’s not like there was anything worth seeing this year, was there? Which explains why a few days ago I sat down with some of the brightest young minds in the movie business, by which I mean Conor Lynch’s combined grades 6-8 class at John Pritchard School in River East Transcona School Division.

I visited the kids as part of I Love to Read Month in exchange for them pulling out pencils and scraps of paper to scribble down potentially valuable movie scripts. So grab a Diet Coke and an extra-large sack of microwaved popcorn, because here are the lightly edited movies these pint-sized producers want to see on the silver screen:

Movie No. 1: “Horror movie: My movie is a horror movie and a dog kills people and drags them into a basement and the owner finds out and the dog brings in another and the dog kills the owner when the dog got back.” — Rylan, 13, Grade 8

Movie No. 2: “Dance movie: I love dance and making a dance movie would be amazing. I would have it show dancers learning choreography, and competing in competitions. I would have a part where I show all the costumes that they would wear in a performance.” — Emily, 13, Grade 8

Movie No. 3: “Me movie: If I made a movie, it would be about me, because I love me and I’m lazy.” — Alex, 12, Grade 7

Movie No. 4: “Bad sci-fi movie: 2090: Man gets stuck in time loop, finds another 1990 woman, has child, child shows up in modern day, stops time loop for parents by doing challenges with past or future parents. Then parents do that, creating another time loop. Continue until end.” — Connor, 12, Grade 7

Movie No. 5: “The blank movie: ACTION! (this is followed by a bunch of squiggly blue lines drawn in crayon and nothing else.” — Eli, 12, Grade 7

Movie No. 6: “A Dog’s Way Home: A dog went fishing with his owner. When the owner was getting the fish out of the lake, the dog jumped out and the owner didn’t notice until he turned around and the dog was swimming away and got lost. The dog went through trees, deserts and asked a lot of animals. Finally, he found his way home!” — Gianna, 11, Grade 6

Movie No. 7: “Football movie!” — Lucas, 11, Grade 6

Movie No. 8: “Cat movie: I would make a movie about my cat. My cat’s name is SJ. He is the fatist cat you would meet. He weighs 28 pounds. He is very stupid. He runs into walls all the time. But here is my script. One day there was a fat cat and he ran into my door so I get up and open the door and there he is on the ground trying to lick his head … I think he was trying to talk to me, but then he stud up and pushed me down on the ground but as I’m falling I hit my head on my deck, so I had to go to the hospital… I was very mad at him. That was my movie.” — Bryanna, 13, Grade 8

Movie No. 9: “Horror movie: My horror movie would be about a family that gets into a car crash. The whole family dies except for the son. Soon after, the son gets adopted by a nice small family but little did they know he had gone crazy since the crash!!!” — Jadyn, 13, Grade 8

Movie No. 10: “Za Bird movie: Za Bird was flying so high in the sky but one day he was down low on the ground. What had happened to Za Bird was that Za Bird was kidnapped by Doug. Doug Speirs was so evil he made children do his work, and Za Bird was displeased with his evilness. Doug Speirs had a sidekick named Conor. Conor what a weird name. Za Bird was so sad that Doug made him do all his news work that he told Conor that he didn’t want to… Za Bird kidnapped Doug Speirs and forced him to do all the work for the newspaper. In Za end, Za Bird is free and flying so high. Legend says that Doug Speirs is still doing news work till this day. (Inspired by Doug making us write.)” — Olivia, 12, Grade 7

Movie No. 11: “Bollywood movie: It would have a lot of comedy and romance involving a dance team that travels around the world but also goes on secret missions while competing. It would definitely have a lot of musical numbers and dance items. It would involve a lot of competition and action/fighting (very high budget). There will be lots of romance in the dance team as well as drama.” — Gagan, 12, Grade 7

And the Oscar goes to… the kids in Conor Lynch’s class at John Pritchard School, because the only (bad word) way I can get time to see a movie is by making a bunch of kind-hearted schoolkids do my work for me.

Now if you don’t mind, I’d like a bit more butter on my popcorn.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca