Cuppa joe vital to my survival

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/04/2019 (2661 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Do you know the first thing I do when I roll out of bed in the morning?

Well, I hope you don’t, because if you do it would mean you’ve been climbing up a step-ladder to peer through my bedroom window, and that’s creepy.

Technically, the first thing I do is hop into the bathtub for about an hour, but the second thing I do is even more important — I brew a big pot of coffee and suck down several steaming cups before I carry on with a day of professional journalism.

For the record, I don’t just love a cup of coffee in the morning; I have a medical need for it in the sense I am incapable of higher brain functions until I have ingested sufficient quantities of caffeine.

Science has proven that a good night’s sleep is no replacement for a strong cup of java. Personally, without several cups of joe, I would not be able to keep my eyes open without propping up my eyelids with toothpicks.

Imagine if I was, say, an airline pilot and attempted to perform my job without first pouring a pot of coffee down my throat.

Flight attendant (walking into the cockpit): “Captain, would you like a hot cup of coffee?”

Me (peering out the window): “No thanks. I’m fine. Hey, why is that mountain getting bigger and bigger and bigger?”

Flight attendant: “AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

The medical point I am trying to make is that I have been thinking about this issue a latte since I read a news story on the BBC website last week that appeared under this alarming headline: “Coffee not essential for life, Swiss government says.”

Yes, according to this report, the Swiss government has come out and stated that a good cup of coffee is “not essential” for human survival, if you can imagine that.

Q: “Not essential for human survival? Seriously, Doug? What is wrong with the (very bad word) Swiss government?”

A: “I wish I knew. I suspect it has something to do with eating too much chocolate and goofing around with those Swiss Army Knives.”

According to the BBC — where they no doubt prefer tea — the Swiss started stockpiling emergency reserves of coffee between the First and Second World War to prepare for potential shortages of this life-sustaining brew.

They’re still doing it — they have about 15,300 tonnes saved up, enough to last the country three months — but the government wants to end its stockpiling practice by the year 2022.

“Coffee contains almost no calories and therefore does not contribute, from the physiological perspective, to safeguarding nutrition,” the Swiss Federal Office for National Economic Supply said in a statement.

Fortunately, some sane people are rallying to coffee’s defence. Reservesuisse, which oversees Switzerland’s food stockpiles, says 12 of 15 companies that stockpile coffee in the country want to continue doing so.

In a letter obtained by the Reuters news agency, it says the “weighting of calories as the main criteria for a vital staple did not do justice to coffee.”

Questioning the value of coffee for human survival makes no sense in Switzerland, where caffeine-loving citizens consume about nine kilograms per person per year, according to the International Coffee Organization. That’s almost triple what’s consumed in Britain, where 3.3 kg per person per year is sucked down.

You will be consumed with national pride to hear that right-minded Canadians such as myself adore coffee even more than the fickle Swiss. In fact, we love our coffee more than almost every other country in the world.

According to statistics compiled in 2015, out of 80 countries, Canada ranked No. 1 when tallying up how many litres of coffee per capita were gulped down at food service joints like cafés. It has something to do with our brisk winters.

The stats from global marketing research firm Euromonitor also found Canada ranked No. 3 for the total amount of brewed coffee we consumed both inside and outside the home — a stunning average of 152 litres per person. Only the Netherlands (No. 1) and Finland (No. 2) drank more java.

What I’m trying to say today is that, as proudly over-caffeinated Canadians, we can’t just sit around perspiring and wringing our hands while foreign governments dare to suggest that coffee is not essential to the survival of our species.

Without coffee, not only would I never be able to write another word, I would never be able to (ahem) move the mail in the morning. Even if terrorists were pointing guns at my head, my finicky gastrointestinal system would refuse to function without first being primed by several cups of joe.

Speaking of which, as a jittery Canuck, I am especially proud that a coffee shop in Toronto has been serving an exotic blend made from partly digested beans that have been eaten and pooped out by the civet cat in southeast Asia.

News reports say the civet’s digestive tract is what gives “cat poop coffee” its distinctive taste “with notes of chocolate and caramel” and makes it highly prized. A 50-gram tin makes roughly eight cups and costs about $55.

But that’s not the point. The point is, before more countries follow Switzerland’s lead, I think we should all get together for a nice, relaxing chat. Perhaps over a cup of Swiss mocha, because I’m allergic to cats.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca