Long hair, scraggly beards a hot trend right now

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 27/04/2019 (2653 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

What with being a crusading newspaper columnist with naturally curly hair and steely blue eyes, I am frequently called upon to answer sensitive questions from curious readers.

Typically, most of these hard-hitting questions are sent in via email, but the other day I received two small envelopes, inside of which were handwritten notes on festive stationery from reader Shirley Rombough, who politely asked me to answer three questions that have been weighing on her mind. We’ll start with…

Question No. 1 — “Dear Doug: Does long hair make a woman look more feminine? If so, is this a trend? If so, why now?”

Answer: Before we get to the nitty-gritty, so to speak, I would like to thank Shirley for recognizing that, along with being a take-no-prisoners journalist, I am also a respected fashion maven and an expert in modern grooming trends.

It is difficult to say whether the length of a woman’s hair makes her look more feminine, Shirley, because we live in a city that is covered with snow and endures bone-chilling cold for roughly nine months of the year, which means people here, regardless of gender, rarely venture outside without their heads covered by those beloved, knitted stocking caps that many people call “tuques,” but which I fondly refer to as “Winnipeg Block Heaters.”

The result is that, for most of the year, it is extremely difficult to tell whether Winnipeggers have any form of hair at all, long or short. As a spokesman for guys of my particular gender, I can safely say that your average single guy does not care how long a woman’s hair is. Hair length is not a valid criterion for attractiveness.

No, what most guys are looking for — and this is true of every guy that I know, except myself, because my wife does not allow me to date — is a woman who is willing to be seen in public with a jerk like them.

After doing some research online, however, I have determined that long hair is a growing trend for modern women. I say that based on reading a fashion blog called The Trend Spotter that stated, and I will quote it directly: “Long hair is officially back in fashion.”

This groundbreaking article was accompanied by 25 photos of women sporting trendy long-hair styles, including long hair with side bangs, long layered hair with bangs, short bangs with long hair, long curly hair with bangs and long wavy hair with bangs. I could go on, but I think you get the thrust of their hairy gist.

Why is this a trend now, Shirley? Well, let me say this — how dare you question the orders of the world’s hairstyling experts! Your job is to simply obey them without question. OK, let’s move on to…

Question No. 2 — “Dear Doug: Does the scruffy look or a full beard make a man look more masculine? If so, is this a trend? If so, why now?”

Answer: Well, Shirley, just take a look at the mugshot of me that accompanies this column. Is that a sexy, manly face, or what? For the record, that is a rhetorical question. The point is, my bearded face is almost too sexy and too masculine to appear in a family newspaper.

I would point out, Shirley, that when I shaved my face almost 20 years ago, my wife complained that I resembled a “chubby 11-year-old boy” and that I should grow my stubbly beard back as soon as humanly possible. So, yes, scruffy beards like mine are the very definition of masculinity. By the way, we no longer use the word “scruffy.” It has been replaced by “aging hipster.”

Like long hair, scraggly beards are definitely a hot trend right now. Walk into any hip coffee shop in the city and start counting the people with beards, and do you know what will happen, Shirley? They will ask you to leave, because counting beards in public is a creepy thing to do.

You should also know that a recent scientific study determined that nearly half of the women polled said they would not sleep with a bearded man. Which is great news, because, mathematically speaking, that means the other half would at least consider it. I will not mention that another study released this month found that a man’s beard contains more germs than a dog’s fur.

“All 18 men’s beards studied by researchers at Switzerland’s Hirslanden Clinic had above-normal levels of bacteria in them, compared to only 23 out of 30 dogs,” online news reports stated.

The important thing to remember here is that most people like dogs, so that’s a good thing, right? Which, finally, brings us to…

Question No. 3 — “Dear Doug: On April 11, the Free Press printed a picture of (Conservative Leader) Andrew Scheer with the caption: ‘Double-Dog Dare.’ Is it just me, or does Mr. Scheer look a lot like ‘Ralphie’ in (the beloved holiday movie) A Christmas Story?”

Answer: Ha ha ha! OK, hold on, now that I think about it, yes! Our cherubic Conservative leader is the spitting image of Ralphie, the nine-year-old kid who famously tries to convince his parents, teacher and Santa that a Red Ryder BB gun is the perfect Christmas gift for a little kid. People love that movie, Shirley, but I’m not sure anyone loves the idea of Ralphie running the country, so Scheer might want to consider changing his look a little bit.

Personally, I’d recommend he try growing a scruffy beard, because I hear that’s pretty trendy right now.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca