When parrots refuse to be stool pigeons

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/04/2019 (2649 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I don’t want to seem overly negative, but I am growing weary of my inability to teach my dogs to do anything, useful or otherwise.

Sadly, it has become apparent that it is almost impossible for me to communicate with my two dogs via their ears.

For instance, I was late for work the other day because I was unable to persuade our main dog — a small, white mutt named Bogey, a creature that resembles the union of a throw pillow and a cotton swab — to come back in the house.

Despite being the spitting image of a small, mutant sheep, Bogey is convinced it is his job to bravely park himself in our backyard beside the fence and — whenever anyone walks along the sidewalk on the other side — race up and down the fence, barking at the decibel level of a heavy metal band.

Bogey engages in this activity so frequently and with such impressive speed that he has literally carved a deep, mucky rut out of the part of our lawn that borders the fence.

In an effort to get him to abandon his guard station and return to home base, my wife and I will stand on the back steps and shriek at the top of our lungs: “BOGEY!!! HOUSE!!!”

In the end, however, we are forced to chase our disobedient dog around the yard, up and down the fence, and through the garden until, eventually, we manage to herd him up the steps and back in the house.

It’s frustrating having a pet that stubbornly refuses to obey verbal commands, which is why I am starting to think the time has come to get… (dramatic pause)… a parrot.

Yes, my wife is terrified of anything that comes equipped with wings, but the remarkable thing about parrots is they are incredibly obedient and you can train them to do pretty much anything you want, including engage in unlawful activities.

If you think I’m kidding, consider the case of a loyal Brazilian parrot that is making headlines around the world after being taken into custody last week because it tried to warn its drug-dealing owners that police were in the process of raiding their home.

According to a story in the Washington Post — “If it involves parrots, it’s news to us” — when officers arrived at the home of a pair of suspected crack cocaine dealers, the green-and-white parrot, trained to spot police cars, began loudly squawking “Mamae, policia!” which translates to “Mama, police!”

“He must have been trained for this,” one officer involved in the operation told reporters. “As soon as the police got close, he started shouting.”

Despite the best efforts of their lookout parrot, the suspects were quickly rounded up and police seized large quantities of drugs and cash at the home.

The winged lookout was also taken into custody, but by all accounts it remained loyal to its owners. In other words, the parrot refused to sing like a canary, opting instead to sit in stubborn silence as police did their best to loosen its beak.

“Lots of police officers have come by,” veterinarian Alexandre Clark said, according to the Post’s report, “and he’s said nothing.”

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Doug, if this was a law-abiding parrot, he would spill the proverbial beans to assist law enforcement in their duties.”

Sure, that is one way of looking at it, but personally, I think this parrot displayed admirable moral fibre — he refused to be a stool pigeon.

Remarkably, this is not the first time a parrot has been trained to sound the alarm for drug dealers hoping to evade the long arm of the law.

In Colombia in 2010, a parrot named Lorenzo made international headlines after police recorded it warning his owners to “Run! Run!” in Spanish at the sight of police officers approaching. The bird was found guarding a cache of guns and pot. “You could say he was some sort of lookout,” a Colombian police officer told The Associated Press at the time.

Look, I am no supporter of anyone involved in the illegal drug trade, but I am somewhat impressed by the fact a bird would go to such lengths for its despicable owners, then, when taken into police custody, would bravely take the heat and refuse to crack, if you catch my drift.

Sadly, however, some parrots have been trained to do things that I find even more offensive. I am referring here to a Calgary parrot that was featured in a Global News report and appeared in an online video that quickly went viral.

It seems the bird’s owner is a diehard Calgary Flames fan and, while his hockey team was still involved in the NHL playoffs, he taught his pet to root for their beloved players by repeatedly squawking “Go, Flames, Go!” whenever Calgary hit the ice.

So, yes, parrots can be trained to do virtually anything, but after seeing that bird root for the (bad word) Flames, I have decided to stick with my canine companions.

Because there are some things even dogs aren’t willing to do.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca