Unravelling the mystery that is Balotelli

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/08/2019 (2556 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Mario Balotelli turned 29 this week. He marked the occasion by entertaining a contingent from Flamengo in Monte Carlo.

After only an hour of negotiations, the representatives of one of Brazil’s biggest clubs balked at his outlandish demands and returned to Rio de Janeiro. Shrugging his shoulders, the birthday boy shifted his attention to promoted Brescia, who had offered only slightly less money and zero prospects of silverware.

It’s expected the former AC Milan, Inter Milan, Liverpool and Manchester City striker — available on a free transfer — will shortly sign a three-year deal with a club that is just now returning to Serie A following an eight-year absence.

If the decision seems an odd one, it isn’t. And yet it is. Such is the realm of contradictions in which this fascinating, reckless, talented man-child exists and loves to exist. Don’t like it? That’s your problem. Can’t understand it? So what? Mario’s world has a single protagonist, and all he asks is that you watch. Or not.

But 29… where has the time gone? Wasn’t it only yesterday that Balotelli was hailed as the top young footballer in all of Europe? And his “Why Always Me?” shirt in the 2011 Manchester derby? That was… eight years ago?! Remember how he announced his Premier League arrival by smashing his Audi in Manchester? Or when he set his house on fire? He was only setting off fireworks. Kawhi Leonard has nothing on this “fun guy.”

He was 21 when he flexed his muscles after putting a brace past Germany at Euro 2012. Was he ever 21? Hasn’t he always been? He’d already won the treble with Inter by then. Sure, but he had been booed by the Nerazzurri supporters. Yes, but he’d worn an AC Milan shirt on television!

Yes, but. Is there a player to whom “yes, but” applies more than Balotelli? It’s hard to think of one. His physical gifts have never been in doubt. Just last season, he scored eight goals in 12 matches for Marseille. And he celebrated one of them by going live on Instagram — during the goal celebration! But he also did a whole lot of nothing during the first half of the season at Nice. So they moved him. But the season before that, he scored 26 goals for them. Yes, but…

Here’s the thing about Balotelli: he simply does not care. About football? Sure, he cares. About what you think? Not one jot. Your opinion means absolutely nothing to him. And here’s another thing: he’s not wrong to not care.

By now you know many things about him. About the mangled Audi, the house fire, the goal celebrations, the rival’s jersey; about the fight with Boateng, the 20-some car impounds, the amorous escapades, the allergy to grass that seems bizarre for a person who makes his living on it, until you realize that person is Balotelli; about a career trajectory that has passaged from a treble to a small club at the foot of the Alps that played in Serie B last season.

Go ahead — judge him, chide him, trot out the tired tropes of “wasted talent” and “misspent youth.” Or save yourself the finger-wagging. Because, admit it, you take more delight in his misadventures than his goals. And that says more about you than it does about him.

If it helps, think of Balotelli as you would an eccentric, capricious writer. F. Scott Fitzgerald, maybe. The poetic Jazz Age chronicler who, while on his travels, left Annecy early and never went back because his time there “had been perfect and no other time could match” it. The lyricist whose own realm of contradictions combined the rarest heights of prose with plunges of despair and self-destruction.

Winnipeg Free Press | Newsletter

The Warm-Up

Winnipeg Jets Game Days

On Winnipeg Jets game days, hockey writers Mike McIntyre and Ken Wiebe send news, notes and quotes from the morning skate, as well as injury updates and lineup decisions. Arrives a few hours prior to puck drop.

Sign up for The Warm-Up

Sign Up

I consent to the Terms and Conditions, Cookie and Privacy Policies.

I consent to CASL agreement.

Balotelli has called himself a “genius.” Fitzgerald opined that “the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.” Balotelli is moving to Brescia, but still wants to compete for major trophies and earn a recall to the Italy squad. Case in point.

Yes, but Brescia is also “home.” It’s where he grew up after being left with his adoptive parents. It’s where he’ll turn 30. He says he’ll play until he’s 35 or 36, although footballers rarely improve at his age. Yes, but Balotelli isn’t most footballers. Yes, and he’ll live his life regardless.

So he’s really going to Brescia? Yes, but he won’t debut until next month. He’s suspended for the first four games of the season.

jerradpeters@gmail.com

Twitter: @JerradPeters