Who’s afraid of the big, bad banana?

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/08/2020 (1876 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Manitoba is home to big Sunny, Sara — and S-s-ara.

Humans build grand statues to recognize commanding heroes. Our great war memorials aside, Tobans proudly prefer odd but adorable structures— and often claim they’re the biggest.

Don’t go to Brazil. As some heard after last week’s tornado tragedy, the world’s biggest freestanding banana is at wonderful, but grieving, Melita. The banana celebrates what the southern community claims is Manitoba’s banana belt. His name is Sunny. Sunny wears a banana belt.

At Melita’s grocery store, I pointed to the bananas and asked the worker, “These local?”

She replied, “No, from California I think.”

I whispered to Margie, “I’m onto a scandal here.”

Margie said, “I can’t believe I married you.”

Don’t go to Arabia! A colossal camel is at Glenboro, named Sara — with an anatomically correct backside.

Don’t go to South America! Inwood has two huge snakes — named S-s-sara and S-s-sam.

Gimli briefly experiences fish flies each summer, inspiring a big fish fly statue. Outside Parkside Machine, folks poked out the eyes and yanked off a feeler, but its talented creator, Mike Olyarnick, heroically repaired it. A true Toban.

Lovely Gilbert Plains built the world’s biggest happy golf ball — named Gilbert. This endearing goofball wears a red patterned tam and pants. Gilbert clutches a taped goalie stick while eyeing another, teed-up golf ball, surely of a different, inanimate species.

Gladstone held bingos, banquets, and nailed a grant to lovingly build the world’s biggest happy rock. Above locked washrooms on short legs, he’s a gleeful restaurant waiter with a top hat and a towel over his arm to clean up any mess.

Arborg claims the world’s biggest curling rock, somehow balanced high on thin pedestals. Margie said, “Gord, stand right underneath for a photo!”

And there’s the huge, real rock hauled in 1971 to my University of Winnipeg’s Portage Avenue lawn. That’s how to celebrate a centenary. It has cracks, but they’re wisecracks. To make use of it, students compete annually for the fastest climb. A contender offers a tip: avoid tight pants.

Roland claims the world’s biggest pumpkin — for 1977 — and keeps the hoopla going by claiming, with only Half Moon Bay, Calif., the world’s biggest pumpkin statue.

Attractive Russell displays a big bull with a nose ring — named Arthur for, yes, a former mayor. And Russell has golden arches. But they cross Main Street. The funding: $1.6 million. Thank you. For the burger, go to Connie’s Drive-In and order the Billy Joe Jim Bob.

St. Francois Xavier exhibits a giant white horse. That’s not odd, except it was thanks to promotional funding from Glasgow’s White Horse Distillers. Down the road, Spruce Farm displays another white horse statue, but paid by themselves.

Roblin built a big blue diamond statue. Why? Because Roblin claims it’s the jewel of the parkland.

Ste. Agathe honours the 1885 sinking of the Cheyenne Steamboat in the Red River with a plaque, the boiler, and a model. Alongside on a pedestal is a metal model of a three-string guitar with welded names of some country singers and Elvis. Why not?

Towns uniquely welcome guests. Benito displays two big white attractive, um… things; maybe chess pieces? Up the highway, among rocks that spell “Swan River,” an eight-foot smiley face beams. A towering giant of tires and parts beckons at Eddystone. Entering friendly Grandview, a wooden bare-bummed little boy pees as an astonished girl covers her eyes from the not-so grand view.

Terrific Portage la Prairie claims the world’s biggest Coke can. It could easily double as a storage tank. Deloraine claimed the world’s biggest cookie jar. It also resembles a storage tank. I asked around town for it. At the Co-op they said it was sold — for a storage tank. Elm Creek claims the world’s biggest fire hydrant, along with Columbia, S.C., and Beaumont, Texas. It could double as a storage tank. Let’s pair the hydrant with the huge dog statue named Rez from Lake Manitoba First Nation, a.k.a. Dog Creek.

Altona built the world’s biggest painting on an easel. For Canada’s sunflower capital, it’s one of Vincent van Gough’s Sunflowers. Psst —it’s clearly a copy.

A St. Claude plaque proclaims the world’s biggest smoking pipe. Saint-Claude, France — the world’s pipe capital — heard about that. Manitoba now has the second biggest pipe. We shouldn’t encourage smoking anyway.

For fabulous Flin Flon, cartoonist Al Capp created a likeable image of Flintabbatey Flonatin. The community fashioned it into a beloved monument. Astute residents observed that from the right direction it appears Flinty’s fly is more than undone.

Locals erected other oddities. Flinty holds the fin on a metal submarine resembling a pike — green, pink underbelly, yellow eyes, matching windows. Climb the renowned The Hundred Stairs. We found 93. Another scandal. And a model mine headframe and plaque celebrate those who contributed to the community, saying “They builded better than they knew.”

Good-natured former mayor Dennis Ballard once explained, “We’ve got a little lightness in our hearts.” With this special city facing mine closure, let’s keep Flin Flon in ours. And Melita.

gordmackintosh@hotmail.com