Happy rest-romance balance down to scheduling

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This article was published 06/05/2023 (1239 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just found out I’m married to the Energizer Bunny. She’s energetic and highly sexual, and just goes and goes until 3 a.m. — and then she’s back up and perky at 8 a.m., looking for more. She only needs five hours of sleep a night. I need at least seven, or I’m bushed at work.

Before we were married in her church (she’s a religious girl), she lived at home with her folks. She could never sleep over at my place, so we’d make love there, and then I’d have to take her home by midnight. We both hated that. No wonder she wanted to live under the same roof, with everybody’s blessing. The only way to do that, was to “get properly married,” but now look what’s happened!

How can I get her to slow her down, without hurting her feelings and embarrassing her? I love her and want to see her happy, but I just can’t keep up the pace. I have to work and earn a living, and I’m walking around like a zombie. Nobody told me this would happen. Married guys mostly complain about the opposite.

— Can’t Believe I’m Complaining! Linden Woods

Dear Complaining: It’s hard to enjoy sex when you don’t get any time to recuperate, and desire more. Dan Hicks’ old ditty, “How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?” is just one long, painful complaint.

Other married guys are not going to be sympathetic to your plight. They will probably roll their eyes and tell you sexual frequency settles down with the first baby, and even more after the second and third.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk with your wife, sweetly and tactfully, about her being a great lover, but stressing your need for enough sleep to perform well at work. That could mean going to bed together earlier to include both romance and your required amount of sleep before the alarm rouses you.

She may want to get up again after lovemaking to watch TV or look around online, so welcome her to do that. Whatever you do, don’t shame her for being enthusiastically sexual, or you’ll regret that for the rest of your marriage.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I grew up in a household where people yelled a lot, but there wasn’t any physical violence. Well, there was some, but that changed after my parents went to church counselling.

Now, as an adult on my own, I’m dating a man who raises his voice when he’s mad. He has broken the odd thing when he’s really upset, but sometimes I drive him there. I know it.

My friends recently had a mini-intervention for me, and warned me they’re worried about me. They told me the same story everyone tells, that people get more violent over time, but I just can’t see it. I need a second opinion. Am I making a mistake?

— Feeling Weird Now, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Feeling Weird: Yes, you’re making a big mistake. Friends don’t get together and risk interventions that may lose a friend, unless it’s for the greater good. In your case, that’d be saving you from a violent guy, who is already breaking objects.

Meanwhile, you’re doing a dangerous dance of escalating violence with him, by taking on blame and excusing him. That’s how violence grows. The non-violent person is so scared of losing their mate, they excuse the first levels of violence, and the angry mate feels encouraged to accelerate.

Your friends were trying to help you see what’s coming — but they may not be willing to stick around much longer, as it makes them upset and fearful when you won’t accept their warnings.

You need to get help before you get seriously hurt, or even worse, marry this guy and have a family where the kids are subjected to watching violence toward their mother, and getting badly hurt themselves. Why are you investing in a very bad bet? This guy is far from being the last man on Earth.

It’s time to get the counselling help you need for yourself, so you can stay safe and keep valued friendships intact. People in violent relationships end up losing most of the people around them, particularly the people who don’t want to hear about the horrors their friend continues to accept.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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