Navigate hubby’s sartorial shocker with kindness

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/05/2023 (1208 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was sick and flew home two days early from a conference. I didn’t phone my husband and I just cabbed it from the airport. I opened the front door with my key, and my whole world fell apart.

This beautiful dark-haired woman, who looked kind of like a sister to my husband, was sitting on the sofa, drinking a bottle of wine. She was watching a loud drag show on TV, and didn’t hear me come in at first.

She was wearing a silver cocktail dress, high heels, huge false eyelashes and a lot of sparkly jewelry. On second look, it was my husband!

I screamed and he jumped up and said, “This isn’t what you think!”

“Then what is it?” I screamed again, and broke into tears. I ran into the bedroom, and he came after me, in that outfit. I pushed him out and locked the door. I said I was too ill to talk to him that night, and I wouldn’t open up. I sobbed and sobbed, and finally cried myself to sleep.

Since then, we’ve talked some, and it’s so painful. He told me this was a secret he’d wanted to stop hiding, but he couldn’t bear the idea of losing me. He says he’s never wanted anyone else, and it’s “just a dress-up thing.” But, can I believe him?

— I Will Love Him Always, Bridgwater

Dear Love Him Always: He’s the same person in many ways, only now you’re seeing another facet. He didn’t want to take any chances losing you, so he hid the part of him that needs to dress up as a woman.

Some men who cross-dress periodically have no desire to actually live as a different gender; they just feel the need to express a feminine side sometimes. Many of them — though not all — love wearing glamorous clothing, makeup and fancy wigs.

In your case, your husband loves you deeply, and you love him back. The most important thing you need to find out is this: Does he toy with wanting to change gender one day, even though he’s denied it at first? You may be able to cope with some cross-dressing, but could you cope with that?

Your husband’s not been saying he wants to be released from your relationship. In fact, it’s the opposite. You two have a lot of talking to do, together and with professionals. You may end up staying together, and dealing with the cross-dressing, or you may might have to end up as friends, and find more suitable partners.

One thing is certain: You both need to be as kind as you can to each other right now. It’s clear you love each other, and cruel words can do permanent damage, very quickly.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been in a relationship for three years now, and things are getting weird. My girlfriend used to be a fun, hippy type, but she’s been slowly turning into a nasty girl, like in the Mean Girls movie. The other night she had her three new female friends over to our little apartment. They just sat there and mocked me all evening.

At first, I thought it was going to be all in fun, but whenever my girlfriend would say something hurtful, she’d stare me right in the eyes. I knew she meant it, and she knew she was safe. I couldn’t say anything back to her while her friends were there, because they’d all come at me.

I miss my hippy girl — the one I started dating at 18, and came to love so much. I don’t know what to do now. Please help.

— Confused and Hurting, Osborne Village

Dear Confused and Hurting: Run, and count yourself lucky you escaped! Your girlfriend was showing off how cutting and nasty she can be to you, for her pals — true bully tactics. Consider yourself lucky to have gotten away before you married her and started a family together. You wouldn’t want a wife with a cruel mouth launching cutting remarks at you and your children.

To be fair, your girlfriend may have been a kinder person when she first met you, but that innocence is gone now and a mean side has come out since being around these women. You should note she enjoys having an audience when she’s demeaning someone, and that’s a very bad sign, indeed.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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