Kids will warm to reunion with extramarital ex

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This article was published 09/08/2023 (1121 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS:I’m a divorced woman in my 50s who’s been re-establishing contact with an old love — a great man I met when I was unhappily married in my 30s. I had an affair with him, but only got divorced from my alcoholic husband two years ago.

I didn’t feel I owed my ex-husband the truth about my affair, so I never told him. I really hurt my lover when I said goodbye to him, to save my family. I was very lucky my old lover came back five months ago when he heard my divorce went through! (He must have had a spy.) We got together recently, and it’s been romantic, wonderful and hot like wildfire!

Then my son showed up last Sunday morning, to give my lawn a surprise mowing. He started my ear-splitting antique lawn mower right under my bedroom window, to give me a jolt and wake me up! I looked out the window, and he gestured for me to come outside.

I was stuck trying to decide — should I hide my lover in the basement, or decide how to sneak him out a window? He made the decision for me, by getting dressed and walking out of the house like he belonged there!

I heard my son’s voice say loudly, “I always wondered when I’d see you again!” I didn’t know he knew! Well, the cat is certainly out of the bag now, so what do I do?

— Sneaky Mother, Bird’s Hill

Dear Sneaky:It can be easy now if you let it. Everybody’s grown up, and it’s time to stop being apologetic and start being happy about your “new” guy. So, invite him, as well as any other kids and their partners, and any grandkids over for a barbecue. They already know this former boyfriend is back in your life. Also, their alcoholic father may have been difficult to live with, so they may not be too critical.

Near the barbecue, play music that contributes to a happy atmosphere, and cook great, distracting food for everyone. If, at some point, your grownup kids ask you for the real story of your relationship (and they probably will) offer it when little ears aren’t listening.

Bottom line? This is a good guy, and your grown kids will probably be relieved and happy to see Mom happy.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:I’m a young father and my common-law wife has been acting crazy. When she was pregnant, she used to yell at me about how she thought I wouldn’t stick around after our baby was born, and I’d be out partying. Guess what? She’s the one out partying all the time! It’s like she’s trying to prove something, and I hate it.

I know she’s free to do what she wants, but she’s going out three nights a week or more, and our little boy just turned two. I stepped up, so why can’t she, especially after all the BS she put me through about doing the same thing, which I never did in the first place!

— Feeling Like a Single Dad, South Osborne

Dear Feeling Like a Single Dad:Your common-law wife isn’t acting very bonded. She’s out partying a lot, and quite happy to leave the child with you. There may come a time in the near future when she wants to end your “family of three,” so be smart, and give your relationship one real last go, right now. Would your wife be willing to sit down with you and a counsellor now, to talk about how you two could work out a way to give your child more active parenting and your personal relationship more quality time? While counselling isn’t cheap, many churches offer family counselling for free, or at very little cost.

If your partner won’t hear of it, you might want to go alone, because you need your boy, and he needs his dad in his life. The trouble is, children are often used as bargaining chips in a split, so be prepared to fight the good fight for equal sharing — or more — on your side. Quietly see a family lawyer and find out what you need to do, should you suddenly split up.

To be prepared for the worst, start recording how much time you are home alone, looking after your child. Also, find out how to prepare for different breakup scenarios, and to fight hard for what you and your child need.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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