Work out legal plan to avoid angry confrontations

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This article was published 21/10/2023 (728 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I broke up six months ago and we are still really angry. My brother called me last week telling me he ran into her at the grocery store. She told him she wanted to talk to me, because I had been blocking her calls and texts. She’s always big trouble; I try to avoid her, but she has our kids living with her and I miss them so much!

Against my better judgment, I finally caved and went to her place to talk things out. We ended up yelling at each other, as usual. Then she picked up a living room table lamp, slammed it down and broke it to pieces on the floor. She said she was going to call the cops and say I did it if I didn’t leave. I took off as fast as I could!

I don’t care if we can’t work things out, but I want to start seeing my kids again and she’s going to keep them away, just to hurt me. I feel sick. What should I do now?

— Worried Sick, Windsor Park

Dear Worried: It’s neither wise nor safe for you to go back into that house again in order to see your children. Right now you need to contact your lawyer — or find one, if you don’t already have one.

You’re badly missing your children, so talk to your lawyer about setting up a visitation schedule. You may need to start picking up and dropping off the kids at a grandma’s house or somewhere else that’s safe. A lawyer, and possibly a court date, might be required to finally set that up.

For now, you need to get what happened at your wife’s house on record, without warning your ex you’re going to do it. You also need to tell your lawyer what that recent fight was about, even if you started it and it’s embarrassing to admit your role in it. You must establish yourself as a truth-teller from the start, even if it doesn’t make you look that good at times. Legal professionals have heard it all, and have a pretty good idea when a person starts to deviate from the truth.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was so desperate for love and affection during the pandemic that I did a rerun on an old relationship. I confess that I called my ex up last spring and invited him back into my life, and into my bed. (He was always good at one thing!) I know — a dumb move made out of loneliness.

Six months later, he wants a commitment from me, but I know it’s not going to work. I finally broke up with him this week, but this stubborn guy is “deeply” love with me, and says he will never get over me. Now he says he doesn’t know how he’s going to go through “another horrible breakup” that I caused.

I know he’s trying to guilt me into staying for a couple more months, so he can try to win me over with sex — but that’s not happening. I feel bad for what I did over recent months, which he says amounts to “using his body.” I just have to break free of him now or I’ll go nuts. He’s always phoning and phoning!

What can I do to get him to let go? Should we see a counsellor for one session to get closure? I’d pay for it.

— Double Trouble, northwestern Manitoba

Dear Trouble: Are you hoping one counselling session will dull the hurt for this guy, make sense of your second breakup with him and set you free? That won’t happen. Plus, if that expectation came to light, it’s more likely the counsellor would call you out on your manipulative behaviour.

In all fairness, some counsellors do help couples break up, but usually in joint sessions first, followed by individual consultations. It usually takes a few one-hour counselling sessions to work though — especially for the partner who’s still in love and hurting. If you want to go ahead with counselling, offer to pay for several sessions, so there’s a decent possibility you can both emerge in better shape, and go your different directions.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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