Reality has to trump longing for lost lover

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This article was published 24/10/2023 (1080 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I married the wrong man, because my mother insisted on me marrying the man who got me pregnant. I got involved with him out of loneliness and sheer desperation.

To be clear, my real love — almost 10 years older than me and married — got caught with me by his wife! She threatened to leave the province and take their children home with her back to Quebec.

That idea almost killed him — he loves his kids so much! Now he’s in counselling with his wife. Today I phoned and asked him how that was going, and he said, “Much better than I expected!”

I was severely crushed, and he knew it.

So where does that leave me? Married to someone I don’t love and my real love seemingly getting back with his wife? I am feeling so sick. Help me, please!

— Can’t Win For Losing, St. James

Dear Can’t Win: The man you think of as your “real” love is telling you he and his wife have a love that’s rekindling. That hurts, but you must try to not pine for a man who no longer wants a relationship with you. That’s especially important now you’re having a baby with a man who does love you, and wants to take care of you and the child. This would not be a good time to turn your back on him and go off chasing your ex-lover.

Sometimes a romantic and sexual relationship like you had with the married man only really thrives for a short while for one of the people involved. This one seems to have run its course for him. The important reality? You are pregnant and you and the baby are vulnerable. You need to have a calm pregnancy and take good care of your health and the baby’s.

Your husband will gladly help you through your pregnancy and the birth, and love the child you share. Down the road, you may even find the relationship improves. It’s worth waiting to see if that happens.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a girlfriend who loves horses more than she loves me. She’s always out at the barn with her old horse and the other “horse people” she hangs with. I don’t get it. Horses are beautiful and great to ride, but you can’t even have a conversation with one!

I told her that. She said, “My horse has already forgotten more than you’ll ever know!” What a stupid thing to say. I just want her to spend more time doing things with me, her human boyfriend.

Please don’t tell me to get a horse so we can have something important in common! I don’t want one. How do I get my girlfriend to see she’s gone way overboard on the horse thing? I don’t know how much more I can put up with it.

I thought I loved her, but she’s putting a horse ahead of me, and she’s “in love” with it. Help me please!

— Less Important Than a Horse? Tuxedo

Dear Less Important: Animals are like beloved children who have never done anything to hurt their owner. They are helpless and dependent, which deepens the bond.

It’s tough to compete with and successfully get rid of another person’s beloved horse or any other pet if they’re closely bonded. It will certainly not free her up to love you more. In fact, it’s likely she will resent you, and love you less. On the other hand, if you embrace a sweetheart’s beloved horse, dog, cat, birds or whatever, their heart may expand and love you more because of it.

You’d be smart to back off this present relationship and find a girlfriend who isn’t into animals or pets in a big way. Then you can be her pet, and if you’re lucky, she will spoil you the way you want.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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