Accept fact his spotlight no longer shines on you

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/12/2023 (983 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My old high school girlfriends and I always get together in December for a festive season night at a bar. We decided to check out our favourite old spot — close to where we went to school — on their karaoke night. We ran into some guys we knew, as soon as we came in. They were quickly up singing a rude version of a Christmas song!

I was a little shocked to see my old steady boyfriend as part of the group, as he used to hate singing. I’m a former band singer, so the group quickly invited me up to join them onstage. I ended up harmonizing beside one girlfriend, also a more serious singer.

I noticed the look in my ex’s eyes, when we were all sharing the mic. I thought it was about me, but I soon found out he was looking at my friend! He started seriously flirting with her after we got offstage. I don’t feel “that way” about him anymore but I hated that he was hitting on her, and she was enjoying it.

Last night he called me, as I have the same old phone number from years ago. I heard his voice and my knee-jerk reaction was to hang up on him — and I did! Yes, I know was that quite rude. What is wrong with me? I broke up with him years ago, and I don’t own him anymore.

— Embarrassed Myself, St. Vital

Dear Embarrassed: “Anymore” is the key word! Way back in high school, he was your guy, and your girlfriends knew that meant “hands off.”

You may not want him back, but you still feel you have dibs on him. You know that doesn’t make sense, but you still feel it inside, and that’s why you got mad and snubbed him.

What should you do about it? You aren’t interested in this guy again, but an apology is in order, so phone him back and say, “I’m sorry, but for some strange reason I feel I still somehow ‘own’ guys I used to date. Want to have a chat for a bit, and catch up?” He may say OK, or he might think, “Don’t do me any favours!” and hang up. If he does that, just let it go — and consider it tit for tat.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is so entwined with her crafting friends she has no time to spare for me. I asked her yesterday to go to for a “dinner date” with me at a romantic spot she and I used to love, as we always go every Christmas season.

She didn’t say anything and just took out her phone and looked at her calendar to see if she could fit me in, and then said she couldn’t make it until January. “Sorry, too many craft shows and preparations for them in December.” Wow! This woman, who’s supposed to love me forever, is taking me for granted a lot lately, and I feel like I’m last on her list.

I know another woman from a sports team we’re on together who would love to go out with me for dinner, married or not. I wanted to say that to my wife, but it would have started World War III. How can I tell her I feel hurt and fed up without sounding like a big baby? She has used that term on me.

I’m not a cheating kind of guy, but I kind of feel like it right now, and I have someone younger looking at me who really seems to like me. What can I say to my wife without getting into a lot of trouble?

— On Her Back-Burner, Charleswood

Dear Back-Burner: You and your wife are closer to the edge of a cliff than you think. First, you’re feeling angry and rejected, and thinking about another woman who’s interested in you. Second, your wife simply cannot be too busy every single night for weeks to have a two-hour sentimental dinner with you at your favourite old romantic spot. So ask yourself, why is it no longer important to her?

Too many couples wait until there’s actual physical cheating happening before they confess to their mate how they’re feeling rejected, and no longer important to them. It’s time for a frank talk (right now would be best) even though it’s guaranteed to be uncomfortable. In fact, both of you might find out things you don’t want to know about one another. Still, you both need to know there’s a serious problem, so you can work at fixing it before it’s too late.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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