Don’t read too much into nocturnal mumblings

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This article was published 27/03/2024 (926 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new boyfriend has been sleeping badly lately — rolling around and talking in his sleep. Last Saturday about 3 a.m., he was dreaming again — making funny noises and muttering a name starting with “S”into his pillow — Shelley, Sandy, Sasha, something like that.

I yelled at him and shook his shoulder, and he woke up and gave me a startled look, like he didn’t expect to see me in the bed.

I asked him who he was dreaming about and he shook his head and said, “No one, just bad dreams — very bad dreams,” and stumbled off to shower.

He came back acting more like his normal self and tried to laugh it off, but I knew it wasn’t funny. I need to know what’s going on in my bed. It seems like there’s another woman on his mind when he’s with me. How can I find out what’s going on?

— Suspicious Mind, North End

Dear Suspicious: People can’t play “dial-a-dream,” so it wasn’t your man’s choice to dream about another woman. Sadly for some new lovers, a former love partner — or a person they pined for, but was never available to them — can haunt their dreams because they’re stirred up sexually and emotionally once again, and the mind goes everywhere when dreaming.

Sometimes those dreams can do damage to a new relationship unless they are gently interrupted by a wise new partner saying, “Honey, I think you’re having a bad dream. Want me to turn the light on for a minute? Need a drink of water?”

It’s a big mistake to insist the dreamer confesses the details of the dream.

In fact, the worst thing you can say is “So, are you dreaming about her again?”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been Googling “love languages” lately because my wife and I (early 30s, married last summer) have been fighting about what quality time is for each of us. She thinks it’s things such as cooking fancy meals for me, redecorating our house, going to garden centres and planning the yard. Boring. Where did the cuddling and endless lovemaking go from before we bought the house?

When I’m stressed from work I would prefer to make out and watch a movie. Or how about hanging around talking and giving each other massages? That’s what I thought our married life would be like, especially as we don’t want to have children yet.

I’m getting worried, as I feel like my wife is already cooling off on me, but she claims she’s more in love than ever. She tells me she’s done the love language tests, and her language is “acts of kindness. “ After taking those stupid tests, my language turns out to be “physical touch” — no big surprise.

Are we no longer compatible? Before we got this house, she was into cuddling and sex in our spare time. Now she has her hands all over the stupid house, not me. What can I do?

— Feeling Ignored, Transcona

Dear Feeling Ignored: If you try to quash or diminish your wife’s excitement, she’s not going to say gratefully, “Oh I’m so glad you’ve pointed out what an unsexy drag I’ve become now that we have this new home together.”

Instead, she’s going to be hurt and defensive, and even feel guilty. Guilt does not amplify sexual desire. In fact, it dampens the fire.

Believe your wife when she says she’s more in love than ever. Try to understand she’s going through a nesting phase with you and it’s new and exciting. Relax. You are only taking a back seat for a little while.

You can reduce that time by getting right into building a great nest with your love like some clever male birds do, which ends up in mutual admiration and feathers flying again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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