It’s never too late to express your true self

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/10/2024 (703 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My ex-wife, who is still a very close friend, drove to my condo where I was holed up earlier this month and roared at me, “For God’s sake, I know why you’re depressed and hiding out. Don’t live your whole life pretending to people you’re straight.”

I told her I’d finally given up. I just felt it was past time to come out in my 60s. Our kids are in their 40s.

I’ve always loved the look of women — my wife was very beautiful — but it wasn’t enough. Deep down, I was really wanting a man in my life. I’ve always been living a lie. My ex was right. I do still want to meet and fall in love with a man, but I’m scared I’ve left it too long. I need to talk to someone to help me finally come out. But who and where?

I know younger people than me have places to go for help, but what about an older guy who wants to finally summon the courage to come out?

— Too Late? Crescentwood

Dear Too Late?: The Rainbow Resource Centre (rainbowresourcecentre.org) offers support to the LGBTTQ+ community in the form of counselling, education and programming for people ranging from children through seniors.

That age definition includes you. For instance, a great start for people 55 and older is a discussion group called Over the Rainbow. They meet in person and also online for coffee and discussions on casual concerns to deeper issues. It would be a comfortable start.

There’s also an option of contacting the group leader privately when it comes to more difficult questions.

So, start by contacting the centre and simply tell them you need counselling to help you finally come out. Be aware that after all these years, some people who know you well will already have guessed your actual orientation. For them, it’ll be a relief not to have to go along with the pretense anymore.

If you’re looking for individual counselling outside the centre, the Rainbow Resource Centre also keeps a list of recommended private therapists who have special understanding of the many issues you have faced alone throughout your life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We are six weeks in, and I have a big crush on my art instructor. I think she knows that well enough. It’s a mixed class and she attracts lots of enthusiastic people. I sit right up near the front. I think she’s single, but I’m hesitant to ask anything about that.

Since it’s a fun class and not a university course, is there any harm in asking her to do something after class with me, like going out for coffee? I’m not a shy guy and quite funny, and she’s an outgoing type herself. Plus, she seems to like my comments before classes.

I’m a bit afraid she might already have someone in her life, although she doesn’t wear any rings.

However, if she does turn me down, will that spoil the class for me? I don’t want to quit. What’s a safe way to find out if she’s interested in me before I ask her for coffee?

— Dying to Ask, Royalwood

Dear Dying to Ask: There’s no totally safe way and no guarantees when asking for dates, but you might start asking questions in class that show you’re really listening and interested in the subject matter. If this instructor seems to be warming to you, then you might ask her for coffee when no one else is hanging around. However, she may have a rule not to date people in her classes.

Be sure to have a “good sport” line to use if she gives you a terse disappointing no. A little smile, plus a gentle phrase such as, “Oh well. You can’t blame a guy for trying,” could be a face saver. Then, sit a little further back during future classes to avoid any discomfort for her.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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