New mate’s disconcerting kin raise real red flags

Opinion

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Help! I just met my new man’s family and I’m seriously worried about getting involved with this group of less-than-honest people. Before this weekend, my guy had refused to take me home — although he’d already been introduced to all of my close people. My family are respectable, intelligent people and I’m proud of them. They liked my new boyfriend, and I could see he liked them in return. His family is another case entirely!

They bring to mind a “den of thieves.” I was invited over to the parents’ big house for a party. I came from work, and there was sign on the door saying to just come in, so I quietly entered the noisy house and stood in the hallway listening. My guy and his brothers were standing in a circle in the kitchen with beers in their hands, talking about some of their latest business “scores.”

I listened for a bit, getting quite the earful, and then entered the room. My boyfriend looked at my face, assessed it and cut our visit very short on some phoney excuse. In the car he said, “Is my family too scary for you?” I said, “Honestly, yes. I heard a lot, before I came into the kitchen.”

It got very quiet. He obviously didn’t know what to say all the way home. He’s only called once in the last week, and he seemed wary, except to tell me, “My family thought you looked nice, but you sure left in a hurry.”

I just said, “thanks for calling.” Then he quickly said goodbye, sounding very sad. Miss L., are he and I really finished? He’s such a fantastic guy and I really loved his personality, but we’re from very different worlds. Am I a snob for turning my back?

How do you tell a sweet man from the wrong side of the tracks that you just don’t want to be involved with anyone from his family but him? They really scared me.

— Chicken Heart, southern Manitoba

Dear Chicken Heart: It’s different if you meet a person from a scary background who has stopped interacting with “bad” people and lives far away from them. Then you might get together in a big way — without being unwillingly involved in “the family business.”

Though your boyfriend seemed sad, it seems he isn’t at ease with your situation as a couple, either. You both need to look further afield, to find other partners. You need a new man with some similar personality traits, but a guy who’s not part of a group with a dangerous lifestyle.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My best friend since kindergarten confessed to me last weekend that he’s actually bisexual. He didn’t say he wanted me to be his “partner,” but I could tell by his sad tone that he likely did.

Finally, I took the bull by the horns and said, “Sorry, I’m not gay or bisexual. I’m just straight.” He couldn’t look at me, and took off on his motorcycle. I don’t think I’ll see him again for a long time. I should have known this would happen. At Christmas time, I remember we were drinking and he said he “loved me like a brother.”

I then went home and told my girlfriend. She said, “I think he meant he loved you like a husband!” and she laughed. I laughed, too, but now it’s not funny at all. How do I salvage this amazing long-term friendship? I really don’t want to lose my best friend.

— Deep Loss, Winnipeg

Dear Deep Loss: You can’t break someone’s heart and expect to be buddies with them afterwards. Your friend needs to get far away from you so he can free his heart to love a person who’s actually open to it.

Maybe someday when he has a partner, you’ll be able to have a visit, but that will be difficult for the new mate — especially if they know how much his guy previously loved you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.