Build safety net for mom under ex’s showy spell

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This article was published 17/08/2025 (365 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Our recently widowed mother has a screw loose! She’s started seeing her first husband from her singing days. He’s stopped drinking and says he’s “reformed for good.” There’s no long-term proof of that, but Mom started believing him anyway. Why? She’s been lonely since her second husband — our dad — died.

This old ex says he’s reformed, and talks a good line. He even talks about getting our mother singing gigs again, which gets her all excited.

Thankfully, we “kids” don’t share one drop of his blood. We are the children of our mom’s second husband — a wonderful guy who sadly got very sick and died not long ago. And now, to our shock and amazement, Mom and her first ex are back together “dating” and worse, they’re talking about marriage and bringing us grown kids into their family fold. No way!

My brothers and I are being offered introductions by Mom’s boyfriend to “influential people who can give us better jobs.” We already have good jobs, for God’s sake! We don’t want this guy’s help, or to even be around him. He’s all about buying people, and sadly our mom can still be bought.

We figure it won’t take long before he starts dominating our mom, and abusing her again. We want to stay far away from this guy ourselves, but if we abandon Mom to his care, she has no protection. What should we do?

— Torn Up, River Heights

Dear Torn: Tell your mom you’re completely set up to help her if and when she needs a new rescue from this guy. Let her know you will happily take her in and get her set up again to bounce back. Tell her she can live with you for a time if this guy is coming after her to try to pull her back in.

That means putting together a restart fund for her now, one that she knows about, so she doesn’t feel trapped by this manipulative ex-husband. Even if she does fall into his trap again, you can still get her out.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Sex is really important to most people, but I have no sex drive. I don’t want one! It’s just too much trouble, as far as I can tell. I’m 13.

It hasn’t bothered me yet, and I hope it never does. I prefer for my brain to drive me where I want to go in my life. So, I’ve been trying to read up on sex drives.

When mine shows up, if it ever does, I want to know how to get rid of it. I hear you can get past it by “sublimating.” What does that mean? Help me, please!

— Mature Girl, Assiniboia

Dear Mature Girl: Some scientists and psychologists believe you can transfer your passion for sex into big projects that take up your time and extra energy, like building something, creating art or getting involved with a big cause. That’s called “sublimating.”

Sublimation might work for a while, but if you’re maturing normally and you finally meet someone you find really hot and wonderful to be around, it’s likely you’re going to be physically attracted and feel “turned-on” sexually. At that point, sublimation might not cut it anymore.

In a real-life situation, you might be sexually excited by different aspects of a person such as voice, body, athleticism, dance moves, kissing and oddly enough, a shared sense of humour. Also, you can be turned on by watching a movie actor, singer, dancer, musician, athlete or comedian. But, most young teens like you only start feeling the strong waves of sexual feeling once they start dating a real person they like a lot, and are physically-attracted to.

At some point — better sooner than later — they’ll need to be prepared for having sex with good protection. It’s important to study up on different techniques first and then talk to your physician about what would be best for you and your body.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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