Mountain magic

‘Evergreen Jinglespark.”

That’s Margie’s new name. Banff Gondola’s mountaintop Elf Name Generator (a roulette wheel) decided it.

My name: “Pudding Merrytoes.” I announced, “Just call me Pud!” Staff quipped, “Aside from the name tag, you’ll need paperwork or a current driver’s licence.”

Ascending Banff’s steep Sulphur Mountain in a gondola at Christmastime also means cookie decorating, marshmallow roasting, Santa Claus and craft tables where children studiously fashion gondola-inspired tree ornaments. Plus, find a slightly redundant sign saying “Steep Terrain.” I’ll bet whoever posted that was over the edge.

But it’s not all merrymaking. We followed directions to Sulphur’s peak via the so-called boardwalk. This boardwalk is actually stairs — maybe a kilometre of snowy, icy stairs. I’m allergic to such stairs. I suffer from persistent grunting and complaining. Therefore, so does Margie.

After roasting marshmallows, I returned our skewers as Margie mumbled “Goin’ to the gondolas.” She vanished.

Not finding her at the gondolas and wondering why she’d descend alone, I asked myself, “What’d I say wrong? Do you share marshmallows?”

I scrambled throughout four floors of the Banff Gondola terminal, even returning to Santa. I belatedly texted, “Where are you?” Margie later replied. Huddled among children and oblivious to texts, she was crayoning a red gondola ornament.

She explained, “I told you — the gondolas!” Evergreen Jinglespark indeed.

Back in busy Banff, discover In Search of Christmas Spirit. It’s an evening walk with hand-held lanterns. Story boards extol the value of looking after each other, wisely explained by an owl.

Moreover, appreciate illuminated animal designs by Cree artist, Jason Carter. His colourful downtown gallery displays bears prancing, paddling, portaging. He starts and ends with a “bare” canvas.

While ducking into Banff Avenue’s gift and clothing stores for things we don’t need, we entered an enchanting shop similarly called The Spirit of Christmas — apparently Canada’s biggest Christmas store — and another perspective on the meaning of Christmas.

To cheer up a harried cashier, I joked “What’s your busiest season?” Perturbed, she surprisingly replied, “Today! And summer.”

Find a zillion tree ornaments organized by themes like “the seaside,” “camping,” “professions” and “holiday spirits.” Satisfy your quest for an ornament resembling broccoli, a sliced red onion, sardine can, the Fairmont Banff Springs, a shotgun, Bluey or Elvis.

Pointing to a $24.99 toilet ornament — with the seat up — I told Margie, “Let’s get this, for fun!”

She blurted, “I will not have a toilet on a Christmas tree in my house!”

I asked, “Then, how about this plunger?”

I had more luck at Banff’s lively Christmas Market where Margie urged me to buy one of Al’s Chimney Cakes. A Hungarian street food, it’s a chewy funnel pastry filled with vanilla ice cream, strawberries, whipped cream and chocolate drizzle. As it unravelled, and with only one napkin, Margie energetically rescued me, her face quickly covered in cream and chocolate.

Among 175 chatty vendors, behold sweatshirts proclaiming “Christmas calories don’t count” and “North Pole University,” woollen “Drinking Mittz,” German incense-smokers, elk-antler dog chews, plus, for your skin, tallow from bison organs.

At Santa’s messy workshop, a note says “Dear Santa: My brother made me do it.” A menu for Santa’s elves includes Fettuccine Elf-redo.

Banff also features a Hot Chocolate Trail. Twenty-nine eateries infuse ingredients like chili and marshmallow vodkas, maple rye, haskap whipped cream, even ice cream.

At Three Bears Brewery, sip hot chocolate loaded with local Park Vanilla Vodka, Frangelico and vanilla syrup, topped with whipped cream and chocolate powder. Brew-tiful!

At Sudden Sally, savour dark hot chocolate with cherry sauce, maraschino cherries, with a coconut and chocolate-covered rim. Mug-nificent!

For breakfast, find mountainside views at Juniper Bistro. Downtown, electrify meals at Tooloulous with 40 different hot sauces. I chose Acid Rain Face Melter. I asked Margie — who tastes crazy things — to try it as I sampled drops on potatoes. She answered, “I’m not stupid.” I can’t describe the rest of my meal, but I assured the concerned server, “I’ll be OK.”

In winter, we’re fondue fans. Banff delivers.

The Bluebird serves cheese fondue with bread and fingerling potatoes at a pebbled fireplace. Fondue with bread, apple and gherkins stands out at the fun-to-find, alpine-like Waldhaus Pub with views of the Bow and Spray rivers.

Margie gulped a full cup of clear water scooped from the Spray. She exclaimed, “Minerals!”

Enjoy Banff’s quirky Grizzly House. As I left the washroom, the inside door says “Women.” Wall phones at each chair from the building’s disco days let you call patrons based on seat numbers under placemats. And consider rattlesnake, alligator or ostrich dishes.

But for us: more fondue. Perfection arrives with 10 broiled garlic cloves. Margie devoured each one. I said, “Don’t be surprised if wildlife starts following you. Vampires, not so much.” Next day, while driving up Mount Norquay, and with an odour permeating the vehicle, I lowered the windows. Sure enough, bighorn sheep emerged to check her out.

As for lodgings, the Fairmont Banff Springs charges, get this: at least $689 nightly, plus taxes and a $60 “resort experience fee.”

We lucked out at the hidden Bow View Lodge offering affordable rooms, many overlooking the Bow River.

And at 5 a.m. outside our window, 16 elk appeared. I reminded Margie, “Told you — the garlic!” She enthused, “Santa’s reindeer!”

That’s Evergreen Jinglespark.

gordmackintosh9@gmail.com