A glass of Pinot the same vintage as that hotdog, please

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 20/02/2021 (2022 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Whenever I watch the TV news before going to bed, I always end up having strange, unsettling dreams.

That’s exactly what happened earlier this week. Moments after nodding off, I found myself standing at the entrance to what I assumed was a swanky new restaurant/bar.

“Good evening, monsieur,” gushed the moustachioed, tuxedo-clad maitre d’ as he ushered me to a small table next to shelves stacked with chocolate bars and taco chips.

“Would monsieur like to sample the boeuf bourguignon with potatoes dauphinoise or perhaps the Coq au Vin with concombre a la menthe?” he inquired as I slid into a comfy chair and placed a napkin on my lap.

“No,” I replied in what the dream version of myself felt was a perfect French accent. “How are the house nachos this evening?”

The maitre d’ smiled an obsequious smile. “Very cheesy, monsieur,” he replied. “And would monsieur like a large Slurpee to wash them down with? The Blueberry Blast and the Pina Colada are both very fresh this evening.”

Which is when Dream Doug gave the maitre d’ a scowl and snorted: “Nonsense, Pierre. Tell me about your house Chardonnay.”

To which he sniffed: “Excellent choice, monsieur. It is a jammy fruit bomb that amuses with its barrel-fermented presumption along with a crisp asparagus acidity and notes of cat pee on a mulberry bush that accent the plummy character of its concentrated mouth feel, which is readily apparent from its viscous nature and the healthy dose of barnyard funk on the nose of this cheeky little vintage.”

And that’s the moment I woke up in a cold sweat. The problem was, before hitting the sack, I had watched an exceptionally alarming TV news report detailing 7-Eleven’s proposal to begin serving beer and wine at dozens of its stores in Ontario.

Seriously, the international convenience store chain has applied to introduce in-store alcohol service at 61 Ontario outlets, including 14 in Toronto. For the record, we are not talking about takeout sales that would allow you to grab a six-pack at your local 7-Eleven; no, we’re talking on-site consumption only, meaning these convenience stores would effectively become bars.

Q: OK, who among us hasn’t driven past a 7-Eleven and said to themselves: “Gee, I wouldn’t mind stopping in for a glass of Shiraz or, possibly, an ice-cold lager?”

A: SANE PEOPLE!

What this means, if approved, is that restaurants and bars in Ontario could find themselves competing for customers with convenience stores, which would likely force them to stock their shelves with grease-containing snack items, sugary treats and car air fresheners alongside vintage wines and imported lagers.

If approved, 7-Eleven Canada says trained servers would offer the alcoholic beverages during limited hours in designated consumption areas of the stores, although it’s unclear whether there would be a seating area, wait staff or a bar separate from the register counter.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “What’s the big deal? Ontario can do whatever it wants. Last time I checked, we live in Manitoba.”

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Smarty Pants, your point is well taken, but if uptight Ontario starts allowing 7-Elevens to serve booze, then Friendly Manitoba can’t be too far behind, right?

Some 7-Elevens also operate gas bars, so it’s worth considering whether you, the right-minded consumer, want to gas up your vehicle and then get gassed yourself in the same location. (Hint: the answer is “NO!”)

Dreams aside, my big concern is that allowing the convenience store giant to serve patrons wine and beer could potentially pose a huge threat to something all Winnipeggers are extremely proud of — our hold on the title of Slurpee Capital of the World.

Unless you have been self-isolating in a cave for the past two decades, you will be aware that, along with being home to the Jets and the Canadian Museum for Human Rights, our fair city has been crowned the Slurpee Capital of the World for the past 20 years.

Winnipeggers literally cannot get enough of these slushy frozen beverages. According to some online reports, 7-Elevens in Winnipeg sell an estimated 188,833 Slurpee drinks per month, whereas the rest of Canada sells an average of about 179,700.

We love this brain-freeze-inducing concoction so much that in 2018 the city officially renamed a stretch of Rouge Road from Portage Avenue to Byrd Avenue “Slurpee Way.”

In a letter to the City of Winnipeg in 2020, Cheryl Magnuson, 7-Eleven’s marketing manager, said they are honoured to call Winnipeg the Slurpee Capital.

“We mention the City of Winnipeg and its strength and love of Slurpee all across the globe,” the letter said. “Several cities including Calgary and Detroit have taken a run at the title but no one has surpassed the love of Slurpee that we have in Winnipeg. People marvel at how one of the coldest climates could enjoy this tasty beverage so much.”

The question is this: If we start slurping amusing white wines at our local 7-Eleven, what will happen to Winnipeg’s grip on the coveted Slurpee crown?

The answer is that it could well slip through our frozen, wine-stained fingers, and I for one do not want to see that happen. Also, and this is equally troubling, I do not want to have to worry about which wine pairs best with a Snickers bar.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca