Navigating a painful break Collaborative family lawyers help couples work through the stress of divorce, without court What I Know About...
By: AV Kitching Posted: 5:20 PM CST Tuesday, Feb. 13, 2024 Last Modified: 7:36 AM CST Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2024 Updates

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/02/2024 (622 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Kimberly Soul is a collaborative family law lawyer who works with couples who are separating and filing for divorce. She studied political science and sociology at the University of Manitoba, graduating with a bachelor of arts. She then went on to complete her law degree, graduating with an LLB in 2008 from Robson Hall, University of Manitoba.

Soul practises with the law firm of Bennet Waugh Corne. She has her own social media, @soulfamilylaw, to showcase her services and style.

When someone is separating and when their relationship is ending…

… whether they have children or not, it is a really, really hard time in their life, if not one of the hardest.

People get divorced for plenty of reasons…

… it’s usually not that dramatic. A lot of people I see just grow apart. Oftentimes it’s just very simple; people are not happy in their relationship any more.

Sometimes it’s differences in how they want to run their lives financially. Sometimes it is the mental load; a lot of parents are stressed, they carry the mental load for the family, and its difficult for them.

There is this stigma with lawyers and divorce lawyers and fighting…

… it’s harsh and stressful and as soon as you call a lawyer that’s it, you are going to be fighting about everything. But my practice is not like that. That is not at all what my role is.

My role is to help people handle the legalities in a way that is good for them. To get them to the point where they can move forward.

I am not a therapist, but I do help them handle the emotions surrounding their separation.

I have been practising since 2009…

… and I took collaborative law training in 2011. I work in assisting clients with divorces and separations, but exclusively in the area of collaborative law.

I help clients settle the issues surrounding their divorce or separation without going to court. Court is very costly, it takes time. My work is more mediation and negotiation.

Collaborative law is…

… the process where the parties agree not to go to court. They sign a document saying they are not going to litigate and they agree to give full financial disclosure. They agree to be open and honest, to have outside-the-box discussions, to be creative and find solutions that work for both of them and their children.

In the collaborative process we talk about interests, not positions…

… and what that means is looking at the bigger picture. As opposed to someone coming into a meeting and saying “unless I get the house I am not going to do X, Y or Z” — that’s a position.

In the collaborative process we talk about interests: What’s going on? Why is having the house so important to you? What is the underlying issue? What is the underlying fear?

Once you get deeper and actually talk to people, see what they’re feeling and what their experience is, you can find out what’s really going on and then we can help find resolutions that work for both people.

When people are upset about the toaster…

… it’s usually not about the toaster. There’s something else. It’s not that both people actually want the toaster. There are underlying feelings. Anger is usually a mask for some other type of emotion, so we need to find a way to come together.

Anger is usually a mask for some other type of emotion, so we need to find a way to come together.

The most challenging part of this job…

… is when people don’t believe in the process. Trust the process. There is always a way to get around, a way to get past things when people are stuck.

Things will be OK, we will get them to the end of this in a way that feels good for both of them, in a way that didn’t take years to resolve, in a way that didn’t erode the relationship any further.

When people talk to me, they can be very emotional…

… they are crying, they are devastated. But sometimes it’s happy tears, too, where you are in a meeting and two people who weren’t able to talk and work through an issue come to a resolution. They feel good about their decision, they both know they are doing the best thing for their children.

People apologize to each other in meetings. They have moments where they realize that they are doing the right thing and that can be emotional, not in a negative way but in a positive way.

Things can get heated and acrimonious…

… that is very common. Even if they come in with the best intentions of wanting to collaborate, people can get angry and frustrated. The emotions that brought you to the separation don’t disappear the day you decide to get separated. But to ignore the emotions is doing a disservice to the client.

We don’t gloss over those things; we talk about them, because those things will continue to fester if we don’t acknowledge them. They will play out in future years — even after you’ve signed a separation agreement, those things will come back. They’ll pop up when you’re dropping your kids at school or exchanging your kids at a parent-teacher meeting.

Divorce isn’t harmful for children…

… it’s how their parents handle the separation that’s harmful. So if their parents are able to communicate, collaborate and resolve matters efficiently, quickly, that gives their children the best chance of being OK. The actual divorce, in and of itself, is not the part that harms children.

Working in family law and dealing with divorce on a daily basis…

… has affected the way I view love and relationships. I certainly look at things differently. I know what the road will look like if separation is the choice: it’s a hard road, it’s emotionally hard, it’s financially hard. It has a big impact on lifestyle.

Sometimes separation is needed, sometimes it’s best for families and for the children if parents aren’t together, but it certainly changed my outlook on relationships. I am less quick to think “Let’s just jump ship” when things are hard.

My colleague and I started a process called the one-day divorce…

… it’s like divorce planners. We gather all the information beforehand. Clients do a parenting plan with a parenting coach, we set up all the financial calculations for support, we review it with each of them beforehand and then we spend a full day negotiating together.

We walk through a separation agreement. We talk about everything that either of them want to talk about and at the end of the day, if they are comfortable doing so, we sign a separation agreement — and that’s it. The day is usually 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

The actual divorce has to go through the courts, so we do the paperwork for that on the same day as well and then we have to submit that paperwork to the court and a judge reviews it and a judge grants the actual divorce.

Some people sign the separation agreement and never get divorced…

… you don’t have to get divorced. No one is following you to ensure you do that step. Some people say “Let’s wait: we’ve already spent money on this process, let’s just wait and get divorced later.”

Nobody loves signing a separation agreement…

… nobody gets everything they want on separation. We are dividing finances in two, that’s never easy, but if people can feel like they have been heard, respected, understood and had a say in what’s in that document, I think that’s the best way to move forward.

In collaborative law, we say fair is the four-letter word…

… you don’t want to say. Because what is fair? What is fair for me might be different for what is fair for my partner.

Before you get married…

… get a pre-nuptial agreement! It’s like insurance. We buy lots of insurance for lots of reasons and we hope we don’t need it but if we need it we have it. A pre-nuptial agreement or a co-habitation agreement — you can have this agreement whether you marry or don’t — is essentially saying what’s going to happen when you separate, what’s going to happen with your finances when you separate.

Whether you are married or live together, the laws in Manitoba impact you in almost exactly the same way. You’re trying to avoid having to go to court or hire a lawyer to help you divide your assets and debts if you were to separate. So you’re pre-deciding that.

I think it’s really important for anybody to have a co-habitation or pre-nuptial agreement, even if you don’t have lots of money.

I think it’s really important for anybody to have a co-habitation or pre-nuptial agreement, even if you don’t have lots of money.

Even a post-nuptial agreement…

… is something that people can talk about. After you’ve been married and you’ve lived your life for a while and you may say “If we were to separate, this is what I would like to happen.” Have those discussions; make sure you are secure if something were to happen in that relationship.

It’s such a taboo subject…

… and it’s almost like if you talk about it, then do you feel like do you not have confidence in your relationship? I don’t think that’s it at all. I think people who talk about it have a lot of confidence in their relationship. They have the ability, the safety and the security, and the emotional maturity to talk about it.

I think it’s sort of romantic: you love me enough that you can have this discussion with me.

We can’t predict what is going to happen in the future…

… we can’t predict if somebody will have a mental-health issue or has a change of heart. We just don’t know.

I can’t control another person, but I can control how I protect myself and how I protect my future. How I protect my children to ensure they are not in the position when I am older, if I am no longer with my husband, that they have to care for me financially.

It’s a different type of love…

… as people separate. My role is to help people love themselves. When they are choosing to end things, how do they love themselves and how do they love their children — and love their spouse, even if they are not in love with their spouse — in a way that allows them to move forward healthily, in a way that preserves that love.

Answers have been edited for length and clarity.

av.kitching@freepress.mb.ca