Age-old advice: Cheating father-in-law lacked wife’s support

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This article was published 15/08/2019 (2574 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

From Mrs. Thompson Advises by Elizabeth Thompson, published in the Winnipeg Free Press on Jan. 17, 1959

Dear Mrs. Thompson: I would like some advice about my in-laws. They are very incompatible, both strong-willed and stubborn, but she is more so, fearing that if she gives an inch he will take advantage of her. Now he has a girlfriend much younger who is very companionable. His wife knows about it and is very disgusted and despises him. She receives a lot of sympathy from her family and friends, and also from my husband, until I explained that his dad had been driven from his own home to a more comfortable atmosphere.

Since my husband and I have accepted the situation and have had his father and this girl visit our home, I have wondered what to say to my mother-in-law if she should ask me about it. I wondered too if you could recommend a book I could have on hand for her to read. I realize it is very late; after 35 years of marriage it would be difficult to change. But she doesn’t realize that a man needs flattery and praise. She firmly claims that grown mature men shouldn’t require this sort of thing. My father-in-law eats it up and glows on a bit of flattery. This is a big joke to his wife.

One friend with whom I’ve discussed the matter thinks I should stay out of it, and I intend to unless my mother-in-law brings up the subject. There are many magazine articles which would be helpful to her, but I don’t suppose she ever reads them. She thinks he is all wrong and she is right.

Partly because of what I have observed, I try at every opportunity to show my husband that I admire and respect him, and I encourage the children to do the same. In my husband’s home when he was a child his mother did the very opposite with these sad results. His mother is now chronically ill due to nervous tension and his father is not happy as he feels guilty.

I might add that “the other woman” is anything but a scheming glamorous type. Rather she is plain, unobtrusive and rather naïve. –K.C.

Answer: Congratulations on your understand of the situation and your application of it to your own affairs. You will never repeat the tragedy of your in-laws.

It seems incredible that your mother-in-law can be so dense. If she failed to provide proper meals for her husband she couldn’t blame him for going to a restaurant. Yet when she falls down on her job of making him feel important, she resents the fact that he turns to another woman for appreciation.

Why on earth should she think that because a man is mature he doesn’t need reassurance? Deep down, everybody is insecure and afraid. One reason why men marry and take on all the responsibilities of a home is to have a built-in morale-booster. They have every right to expect their wives to be cheerleaders and dispensers of soothing syrup. Plenty of hard knocks and criticism come from other sources.

You are wise to refrain from comment unless pressed. If backed into a corner, tell your mother-in-law that you think his girl is being helpful and you will not refuse to let her come into your home.

Like you, I doubt whether it is possible for your mother-in-law to change, but for your own use, get the book When You Marry by Duvall and Hill, and suggest that she read it.