Age-old advice: Snooping mother may mean well

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This article was published 05/09/2019 (2218 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

From Personal Problems by Elizabeth Thompson, published in the Winnipeg Free Press on Oct. 10, 1938

 

Whether or not mothers have a right to read letters received by their young daughters is a question causing trouble in many homes. One girl writes.

Dear Mrs. Thompson: What would you do if you were a girl in your middle teens and had a mother who always snooped through your belongings? My mother never asks to read my letters, but I definitely know that when my back is turned, she pries them open. If I did not prize the letters of my correspondents, two or three girls and boys, I would burn them, but when I think what best of friends we have been, I can never do so.

Do you think it right for mother to be so underhanded when she knows all those with whom I correspond? They are all trustworthy pals I have known since childhood, and therefor any “love” mentioned is them is just a brother and sisterly feeling. How would you solve my problem?

— Sue

 

Give your mother credit for good intentions, and you may not be so upset. If she reads your letters it is because she wants to protect you from bad influences, and she has no way of telling how your former friends have developed since leaving town. Even in a few months, surprising changes can take place in teenage boys and girls. She may even read the letters through a desire to understand you better, thinking that perhaps you tell your friends things you keep from her. It isn’t easy being a mother, you know; not every woman has a talent for it, any more than for music or painting and if your mother feels she isn’t very good at her job, it is understandable that she might take desperate measures to make up for her deficiencies.

Of course, the ideal situation is for a mother to have brought up her daughter so successfully that she feels she can trust her good sense and good taste to deal with any emergency. Then, she admits the girls’ right to privacy and considers that any letters received are none of her business. However, if she thinks there is danger, interference is justified, though it should take the form of a frank demand to see some of the letters received. There is something degrading about snooping, even when it saves scenes.

Instead of being furious with your mother, try to understand her motives and see if you can’t make her feel that you are so sensible and trustworthy that she doesn’t need to worry about you. Be an Old Reliable about your school work and any household duties you have. Accept the rules she makes regarding going out, and chat with her about friends, parties and other activities. She will be interested, and besides, will be she is getting better acquainted with you. When letters from these old friends arrive, mention them casually and give her bits of news from them. “Jack has bought an old car.” “Muriel is going to take a business course this winter,” etc. You might even say, “Would you like to read Jacks’ letter?” This would show her that you felt there was nothing to hide, and after reading one harmless letter she would probably stop worrying about your correspondence. She might even refuse the chance to read it, feeling that all was well when you were so unconcerned.

However , if the prying into your papers continue, and your conscience is clear, better have things out with your mother. Tell her that, as she must have seen, any suspicions is unnecessary and you are very hurt by her lack of confidence in you and your friends. Once she understand show you feel, she will probably respect your secrets. She ought to realize that teenage youngsters hate to have adult eyes see their effusions, not because there is anything wrong with them, but because they are afraid of ridicule. The fact that you don’t want her to read your letters doesn’t by any means indicate that there is anything alarming in their contents.

 

Read the rest of this letter and other letters from our archives at wfp.to/ageoldadvice.