Would a threesome be a good idea — or is my wife all talk? Ask Ellie

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 31/07/2021 (1876 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Q: When I was 18, I met a married man (stepcousin) who treated me like a princess. I saw him at family events. He always teased me saying that one day we’d be together.

I heard he got married when I was at university, and a few years later I graduated and married my then-boyfriend. By 30, I had three children and a predictable life. My husband and I got along well, though he wasn’t a passionate man.

When my former admirer saw me, he repeated that we’d end up together. He asked my cousin where and when I shop, and “accidentally” met me several times.

He’d talk about his feelings for me and I liked the flattery. He convinced me to leave my husband, we both divorced, and my ex and I had a co-parenting schedule of alternate weeks.

It was a mistake. My new husband turned out to be a controller — about where I went, who I saw, how I raised my kids, everything.

My ex-husband soon saw how unhappy I became. He was kind enough to not be disgusted with me, and encouraged me to get counselling to regain my confidence and decide my own future.

Then my husband suddenly died. He’d had a heart condition that was never diagnosed. I was shocked and grieved for him but also for myself and the mess I’d let happen.

I need help deciding where I go from here. Our children have openly said that they’d like their parents to get back together. I’m still in counselling.

Your thoughts?

Sad and Lost

A: Some lessons take longer to learn. Your late husband “groomed” you to be easily wooed by him. He was a controller who set you up for changing everything in your life for his approval and desires.

Fortunately, your ex-husband has qualities immediately needed by you and the children. He’s kind, and practical about normalizing the children’s lives as much as possible for now.

Stay with counselling. It’s obvious that you need to understand yourself and your own needs better before making another major move.

Q: I’m dying to have a threesome with my wife and a single best buddy/neighbour. During our lovemaking my wife of 38 years talks dirty and wants me to say the naughty things we both can do with her.

But after sex, she doesn’t want that scene. She only wants the fantasy as it gets her over the moon. It works for me too, and I could arrange it in a minute.

I know that my friend would be a happy participant if I asked him. We’re not getting any younger.

She often raises being tied up blindfolded and having sex with us both. Is this a good idea? I think she’ll later be angry.

I think all day about what I need to do to get her to participate and enjoy it.

If I don’t put this issue to bed soon, I’ll never know, as we’re moving far away soon.

Eager but Threesome

A: If your wife really wanted this, it would’ve happened already. Her sexual fantasy is a mutual turn-on. But you already know that she’d be angry if you so willingly shared her with another man.

Taking that risk doesn’t make sense when your sex life is so satisfying. The presence of another man might upset her for a long time ahead.

Stay with what works so well. You have a great track record, and still have healthy lovemaking years ahead!

Ellie’s tip of the day

Distrust being swept up by excessive flattery and purposeful grooming for another’s wishes.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.