Don’t dwell on ugliness; reconnect and move forward

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This article was published 01/05/2023 (1244 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband just left me for an older woman. That hurts me worse than if she were a sexy young thing. At least then I could think it was about his body reacting, not his brain. But no! She’s a woman he works with, and they have a lot in common. In fact, I know he finds a lot more companionship with her, as she’s artistic like him. I’m an analytical person, more cut-and-dried.

I never wanted a man who was just like me. Miss L., I love him so much, that when he started crying, I told him he should go be with her, if that’s what he needs to fulfil his life. And he did it! He has gone to be with her. He can’t possibly think he left our house with my blessing, as I’m in ruins. I know our grown kids have told him off for what he’s done to me.

He phoned today, supposedly out of concern, but it was really out of guilt. He ended the call by trying to reassure himself, saying, “You’re going to be all right though, aren’t you? You’re sensible. You’re not going to do anything rash.”

I know he was wanting me to give him permission to stay with her. I just hung up. But now what do I do?

— Broken Heart and Spirit, North Kildonan

Dear Broken Heart: Now, you will mourn your deep loss. There’s no getting around that stage. Whatever you do, don’t berate yourself for being an analytical type instead of an artist like him.

He was intrigued by your differences when you first fell in love, but now he’s interested in a person who is more like him. This could be the time for you to explore what you want next.

You don’t have to pretend to be OK at this point. Just don’t spend too much time alone, and don’t be shy about asking your grown kids, your friends and your siblings to come over more.

Afraid they’ll avoid you? Clearly ask them to come over to play cards or to try a new game, so they’re aware it isn’t a gathering to cry and put down your ex. They are already mad at him, and disappointed in what he’s done — but may not want to be part of hating him.

When people are coming over, bake something easy like a cake mix, that smells good in the house, and serve coffee or non-alcoholic drinks. Totally avoid the liquor that often seems like a good idea when your heart is broken. It can end up in bitter complaining or emotional meltdown. If you have a nice time hanging out for a few hours, people will come back much sooner. A relationship counsellor would be a better choice to help you deal with the ugliness that has just happened.

One of the saddest things about a breakup, is how your future plans are suddenly gone. Now would be a good time to rent a cabin or plan a trip, so you have something to look forward to. A cabin would be fun as it’s a hub for family and friends to gather. Maybe your grown kids would like to pitch in for a rental. If they don’t, do it yourself if you have the money, and invite friends freely for day trips or sleepovers.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m so mad, I just can’t stop yelling and swearing. Good thing I live on a farm. I told a friend from school what a great time I was having with my new girlfriend, but I “wasn’t sure if the feeling was mutual.” A week later I found out he quickly asked her out — and she went!

It’s bad enough he asked her out behind my back, but what really burns me is she agreed to see him. It’s not like I own the girl, but he took my reaction to her, went behind my back and tried to cash in.

I saw her at school and she quickly looked away — guilty as sin. He’s avoiding me now, and who can blame him? He knows I just want to punch him. Unfortunately, he’s bigger than I am. What should I do?

— Victim of a Thief, southern Manitoba

Dear Victim: It’s one thing your buddy asked her out, and quite another that she went out with him, a week later. It seems she wasn’t that into you, so maybe he did you a favour. Don’t waste another minute pining for her.

As for being friends with this guy, that’s another waste of your time. There’s an unwritten code of honour between buddies. Going after a guy’s new girl after he’s raved about her, is definitely breaking that code.

Of course, the girl in question has every right to go out with anybody she likes, so early in the game. But she had to know it would bother you!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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