Wilderness camping perfect for vocal love-maker

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/06/2024 (784 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new wife wants to go camping this summer at a few different resorts. But there’s one big problem — she’s a noisy love-maker, which I generally enjoy here on our somewhat secluded property.

The way she goes on could get us kicked out of the campground in the middle of the night. I told her this and she just laughed at me. She’s of the opinion that people secretly love overhearing such noises, as it turns them on, too.

She’s sticking to that, even though she was on the verge of losing her apartment before I met her due to her noisemaking.

That’s one of the reasons we’re both lucky she doesn’t want kids who would be freaked out, and it’s also good I own a place a few miles out of town. Now, how can we handle this camping problem? I love her and want to please her.

— Willing, But Worried, central Manitoba

Dear Willing: It’s convenient for your wife to think other people actually enjoy hearing her loud noises, and that it turns them on, but the truth is most people only like to hear their own erotic sounds. You would think your lady would know that after her previous apartment experience, but perhaps she prefers to “dis-remember” negative things.

Look, you two are just not destined for communal camping with neighbours on the other side of the bushes. You won’t last a night without neighbouring campers coming over and yelling at you during your noisy performances.

Either that, or the “camp cops” will be sent to visit you because someone has reported a ruckus that sounds like violence. That’s how loud sex can sound to some people.

So where can you two go camping? You might consider the off-the-grid wilderness spots— just the two of you — although larger animals might come to investigate.

Seriously, until your lady decides to control her performances (she can if she really wants to) you would be best to pitch a tent in a field near your rural home, far from the neighbours.

If your lady really hankers to belt out something passionate and receive heartfelt applause for her performances, she might consider joining an opera group. Suggest that with smile — but be prepared to duck.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife, who has fallen out of love with me, has no interest in sex anymore. Now, after a long time of trying to persuade her to love me, something new has happened in my life.

I was at a after-work function with some of the new summer staff and had a few drinks. One of the new hires came over and we had the most interesting series of talks over the evening. She was so engaging and intelligent. By the end of the night, we were both feeling attracted — and went outside. Suddenly, we were making out in my car.

It was great and I felt like a desirable man again. Since then, we have been seeing each other secretly and I feel alive. This young woman says she does not want a commitment — no strings attached — and wants to keep things hush-hush.

I’m finding I already do not feel that way. I’m starting to fall in love with this woman. I want to leave my wife and be a real couple and I think I might end up going for that. But then, I have some bad doubts. This new woman really needs the job and the money, as she is on her own financially. And in quiet moments, when I’m feeling lonely, unwanted and insecure — I wonder if I’m just a stepping stone to further this woman’s career.

I feel I’m seeing some bad signs and I push them down. Please advise.

— Feeling a Little Shaky, Winnipeg

Dear Feeling Shaky: You don’t say how much younger this woman is, but she is showing signs of just having a fling. If she were serious about you, she would be more upset that you were married. She would also resent that you’re not readily available to her and that you have to sneak around and can’t stay with her overnight after making love.

As for your fear of being a stepping stone, get that gently out in the open with her at a time when you’re not making love. Watch her face closely for a series of different reactions as thoughts and feelings go through her mind. You could be right about her reasons for being with you, and it’s best to find that out, sooner rather than later.

You also need to get real with your wife about your failing relationship, and the sooner the better or you could be in worse trouble than you realize — emotionally and financially.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography