Slack attitude doesn’t bode well for family future

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I live with a man who keeps telling me how badly he wants to have kids, but based on how things are right now, I wouldn’t trust him to actually help with any of the responsibilities.

Kids are hard work! I know, because I helped raise my younger siblings. Both my parents had to work, so I know kids take up all a caregiver’s time and energy, and leisure time.

Right now, my husband spends more time at the golf course and tennis club and playing poker, than he does with me or taking care of our house. I do all the inside work as well as the lawn mowing and gardening.

Still, he keeps asking when we’re going to have kids! I used to get excited about it, but now I can barely hide my feelings. I love him, but he’s very immature, and I keep telling him that.

For instance, I ask him to tell me how he envisions a future household — with a pregnant wife, then toddlers, infant care and child care, and him working to bring in money as well as keeping up all his leisure activities?

He just laughs at me, and that makes me love him less and less. What do I do?

— Married, But So Alone, Elmwood

Dear Alone: Let him know it is crisis time. Is this the man you really want to have a family with? If he were able to pull his act together, would that make a difference? Could you trust it would last?

It’s time to sign up for couples counselling, and let him know it’s more about your shaky marriage than having children. Time’s a-wastin’ and you might still want to have a family — but with someone else.

While some people are able to shape up when threatened with an ultimatum, many return to old habits after a period of time. So, you don’t want to push these feelings down now just to have this same issue pop up once you already have children.

Starting a family is a serious undertaking and it requires both parents to do their part to avoid burnout, and making each other and the children totally miserable.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went up to join my wife at the lake where she was staying for the first week of our rental, with an old girlfriend. That woman was supposed to have gone home, but my wife insisted that she stay for another week.

I noticed something odd when I arrived early. The friend was busy unpacking a dresser in the big bedroom and throwing her clothes into the little guest bedroom, somewhat unhappily.

I said to my wife, “Did she sleep in the big bedroom, and you took the small one?” My wife muttered, “Nope. The big bed is more comfortable, so no biggie. She just slept with me.”

No biggie? My wife “used to be bisexual” until she met me. She told me that with my style of tender love making, she’d “never have to go back to a woman for anything.”

Things haven’t been so good between us this summer, and now this. I don’t know if this old pal of hers was a “girlfriend” in the romantic sense, but it’s thrown me for a loop.

What should I do now? She says I’m acting jealous over nothing.

— Stressed and Suspicious, Grand Marais

Dear Stressed: Your wife invited an old girlfriend of hazy significance to come to the beach and stay with her. Then she ended up sharing the big bed with her.

Do you really think that wasn’t the deal in the first place?

What it boils down to is this: your wife is not satisfied with things as they are in your marriage, and she’s even rude enough to throw it in your face.

See a counsellor privately first and spill your feelings without having to watch what you say.

Then talk to your wife about what you want to do, going forward. If sharing your wife with someone else doesn’t sit well with you, this is may be the end of your marriage.

It’s certainly the end of the honeymoon.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.