In-law not keen to remain prisoner of her past

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother-in-law had a wild-and-crazy youth and actually spent some time in jail. At the lake this fall she told me about some of her experiences, and what hard lessons she learned when she “went away” to do time in a correctional facility.

I have such admiration for her and what she went through, and also for how successful she is now. I’m a teacher, and I told her recently I’d love for her to share some of her experiences with my all-girls classroom.

To my dismay, she flatly refused! She isn’t talking to me much anymore. How can I fix this uncomfortable mistake?

— Crossed Line? Southern Manitoba

Dear Crossed: Your mother-in-law was shocked because she likely thought she’d spoken to you in confidence, and you’d understand that meant you’d keep your silence. She probably had no idea you’d want to spread that information any further — particularly to a class of students who might tell everybody they knew.

You really need to talk to her and apologize. Assure her the details of her jail experience will go no further than you, and tell her you didn’t realize at first that what she told you was confidential.

Yes, some people do speak to classrooms about traumatic personal experiences such as this, but tell her you now recognize she does not want to do that.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I really hurt my best friend’s feelings when she asked me if she looked heavier, and I said honestly, “Yes, you’re pleasingly plump now.”

She’s gained at least 40 pounds since she became a retail baker. Frankly, she has two chins and no neck.

I’m sincerely worried about the impact of weight gain on her health. If my plump statement makes me lose her friendship, but saves her life, I guess it’s worth it. Still, she’s my best friend and I really want it to stay that way. What should I do?

— Big Fat Mouth, St. Vital

Dear Big Fat Mouth: Go to the bakery and say you’re really sorry, even if she threatens to throw a cake pan at you! If you cannot honestly apologize for what you said, then apologize for “the way” you said it and for hurting her feelings.

Tell her how much you care about her health and living a long life. The apology isn’t going to totally heal the wound, but it could help.

If she thinks you have anything you should stop or start doing to improve your own health, ask her to tell you what it is!

Also, offer to make positive changes in your life, as a way to be in solidarity with her own efforts. A little empathy can go a long way.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I woke up one night last week from a romantic dream, and suddenly wanted to know where my first true love ended up.

So the next morning I searched online and found him — he’s living in another province.

I called him up that afternoon at the business bearing his two names, and he was shocked! We had a great talk and, just like old times, we were still finishing some of each other’s sentences!

He told me he’s “married, but not happily.” Now he wants to fly to visit me. What does he have in mind? Should I let him come?

— Past Love, Winnipeg

Dear Past Love: It could go one of two ways. It’s possible you fall back in love with him, and then he goes back to his wife and realizes he still loves her.

Alternatively, you insist he doesn’t come to visit, but you continue having hot talks and phone sex, and you just can’t get interested in anyone else here at home.

Any way you look at this, you should be aware he still cares enough to be married to his wife — happily or not. So you’d best not play with him until he’s actually out of his marriage, or you could get badly hurt.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.