Mechanically resigned

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This article was published 21/08/2016 (3572 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Movies

BIG RELEASES FRIDAY: The Mechanic: Resurrection, Don’t Breathe

BIG PICTURE: He’s like Jason Bourne, only with 10 per cent of the vocabulary. Jason Statham returns as Arthur Bishop (a.k.a. the Mechanic). The plot reads like TV’s 24 meets Taken meets Kill Bill. Bishop is forced to complete a list of next-to-impossible assassinations of the world’s deadliest men in 36 hours — all to save his true love, played by Jessica Alba. (To be fair, most men would likely entertain at least a couple assassinations just to impress Alba.). She gets in on the hand-to-hand combat — and into at least one obligatory swimsuit. (How generous of her captors to stow her away on a luxury yacht. All the better for a screenwriter to pen her wet-and-wild escape). Meanwhile, Don’t Breathe is like Saw meets Scent of A Woman meets To Catch a Thief. When a trio of young friends breaks into the house of a wealthy blind man, they think they’ll get away with an easy heist. Turns out he’s the senior citizen version of the Mechanic (as trained by Hannibal Lecter). The blind man quickly begins to reveal his own dark secrets that turn him from victim to villain and prey to predator.

FORECAST: Put The Mechanic in the category of a sequel better left buried. I’d enjoy it more if it truly lived up to its title and Arthur Bishop came back as vampire assassin. (Throw in a werewolf sidekick and Hollywood could have recreated the inexplicably titillating love triangle of Twilight. Alba’s abs convey more emotion than Kristen Stewart, so such a new franchise would be a major improvement). As for Don’t Breathe, I predict that blind guy will end up being Al Pacino’s Col. Slade from Scent of a Woman, and the true horror will come from the burglars being forced to listen to him say “Hoo-ah” and talk about how women smell for 120 straight minutes.

TV

BIG EVENTS: Better Late Than Never (Tuesday, Global/NBC, 9 p.m.)

BIG PICTURE: It’s like National Lampoon’s Vacation with four Clark Griswolds. This reality-TV series is The Amazing Race meets Grumpy Old Men meets Space Cowboys. The over-the-top concept finds four aging, outrageous celebrities (William Shatner, Henry Winkler, Terry Bradshaw and George Foreman) travelling across Asia with no itinerary and no help, other than a comedic sidekick (Jeff Dye) who intentionally leads them astray as the cameras roll. Have you ever wanted to see NFL personality Terry Bradshaw in a kimono? Now’s your chance! Who hasn’t wondered whether Winkler can ride an elephant trunk? And I can’t be the only one who has daydreamed of watching Capt. Kirk go up against Foreman in a boxing ring. All this and more awaits! The four clueless, over-the-top personalities hit four “exotic” countries and six cities armed with zero filters, handlers or sensitivity training. (If nothing, the show will make a great propaganda tool for America’s enemies.)

FORECAST: For once, I’m compelled to watch a new reality show. Foreman calls the foursome “the world’s oldest boy band” — an idea that has likely already been green-lit by a TV executive for Season 2.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS: MTV Music Video Awards (Aug. 28, MTV, 8 p.m.); XOXO (Friday, Netflix, 2:01 a.m.). The major clash is between Beyoncé (11 nominations) and Adele (eight nods). But the women’s respective singles, Formation and Hello, must contend against Drake‘s Hotline Bling for Video of the Year. Meanwhile, Netflix scratches XOXO, an original movie about romance and millennial career aspiration set at an electronic dance music festival (Modern Family star Sarah Hyland co-stars). Strangers are brought together by a love for DJs, drugs, dreams, flirtation and a musical genre that sounds a lot like robot karaoke. The movie combines the emotion of a John Hughes coming-of-age movie and the fashion of Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet with the slogans of a Hallmark card (for example, “Jump and the universe will catch you”).

Music

BIG RELEASE FRIDAY: Britney Spears (Glory)

BIG PICTURE: Oops, she does it again. Britney is back with an all-new album. Amid her top-selling Las Vegas residency, the megastar made time for the studio. Her club-crafted debut single, Make Me…, featuring G-Eazy, includes lyrics such as, “No rules / From the bar to the car / Let’s take it back to my room / Igniting the heat of the moment; let the sparks fuse / Blowing up to the ceiling, we’re burning bright.” Hmm. Sounds like someone thinks they’re a 20-something clubber again instead of 34, eh? Case in point: other tracks include Private Show and Invitation. Overall, expect radio-friendly R&B, EDM influences and a couple of juicy pop ballads.

FORECAST: Britney has called the project a “left turn,” but it sounds more like she aims to coast in neutral for her latest glory bid. In 30 years, I predict a Better Late Than Never reality series featuring Spears, Christina Aguilera, Beyoncé and Adele forced to travel the galaxy together while being periodically Punk’d by a juvenile retiree-turned space explorer named Ashton Kutcher.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS: Liz Longley (Weightless), De La Soul (And the Anonymous Nobody). A rootsy, acoustic singer-songwriter is a welcome throwback in a week filled with Britney’s filtered house beats and altered vocals and Netflix’s XOXO. Longley’s compelling, vulnerable voice is a finely tuned instrument. Speaking of soul, ‘90s hip-hop giants De La Soul return with a new, Kickstarter-funded album; guests include Snoop Dogg and Usher.

Twitter: @chrislackner79