Altared states

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This article was published 23/04/2011 (5480 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

An estimated two billion people will be parked in front of the tube on April 29, when Prince William and Kate Middleton tie the knot live on TV. The festivities are due to commence at 5 a.m. — a time of day radio personality Ace Burpee wouldn’t have a problem with, even if his alarm weren’t already set for 3:30 a.m.

“I’m not afraid to admit it — I’ll definitely be watching,” says Burpee, the host of Hot 103’s Ace Burpee Show.

Burpee’s reasons for tuning in are twofold: A) Burpee is an unabashed “big fan” of the royals; and B) he’s always looking for pointers re: his other “job.”

“I’m a licensed marriage commissioner,” Burpee says, explaining that his qualifications are, simply put, the ability to “sign a bunch of stuff.”

“So far I’ve only performed at two weddings but both times it was super cool.”

Given that the royal wedding looks to be as much a made-for-television event as an exchange of “I dos,” we asked Burpee if there are any TV weddings, real or otherwise, that stand out in his mind.

“Ross and Emily’s, for sure; that has to be the most famous one for my generation,” he says, referring to the Friends episode when Ross blurts out Rachel’s name by mistake, while he’s exchanging vows with his British flame.

“Although everybody else was all, ‘Oh my,’ I was more than pleased because I had a huge crush on Emily, and always thought she’d be far better off with me.

“So when Ross said, ‘Rachel,’ I was like, ‘Oh yeah, I’m so back in the game.'”

Even if Russell Brand doesn’t follow through on his threat to crash Wills and Kate’s big day disguised as Queen Elizabeth, it’s a safe bet that Friday’s ceremony will go down as one of TV-land’s most memorable weddings of all time. In light of that, here’s a look back at some other noteworthy nuptials which have taken place on the small screen over the years.

Happy couple: Jim Halpert & Pam Beesly

Wedding date: Oct. 8, 2009

 

“Dunder Mifflin Scranton will be closed for a company wedding in Niagara Falls.” So begins The Office episode Niagara, when Jim and Pam head to upstate New York to tie the knot. Highlight/lowlight: Michael hijacks the mic during the groom’s pre-wedding toast, and spills the beans about Pam’s pregnancy. “These two people are living together… they’re having lots of consensual sex, and you can’t expect them to be careful every time,” he tells a mortified crowd. To the bride!

Happy couple: Charles “Chachi” Arcola & Joanie Cunningham

Wedding date: May 8, 1984

Two years after Scott Baio (Chachi) and Erin Moran (Joannie) leave Happy Days to star in their own sitcom (Joanie Loves Chachi), the spinoff is cancelled due to poor ratings. Gone but not forgotten, the couple returns to the parent show for its final episode, and get hitched in front of friends, family and Fonzie.

Happy couple: Herbert Khaury (“Tiny Tim”) & Victoria Mae Budinger (“Miss Vicki”)

Wedding date: Dec. 16, 1969

Ukulele virtuoso Tiny Tim marries 17-year-old Miss Vicki on The Tonight Show in front of 50 million viewers. And 40,000 tulips. After pledging eternal love — which in their case worked out to four years — the two are interviewed by a tuxedo-clad Johnny Carson.

Happy couple: Mork & Mindy McConnell

Wedding date: Oct. 15, 1981

Mork wants to propose to Mindy during Mork & Mindy‘s fourth season, but there’s one galaxy-sized problem: marriage has been outlawed on Mork’s home planet of Ork for “two billion bleams.” Mork seeks permission from Orson, his superior, but instead of giving the union his blessing, Orson changes Mork into a dog just before The Wedding March kicks in.

Happy couple: Mike Brady & Carol Martin

Wedding date: Sept. 26, 1969

In the première episode of The Brady Bunch, a lovely lady who is bringing up three very lovely girls marries a man who is busy with three boys of his own. That, in a nutshell, is the way they all became the Brady Bunch.

Happy couples: Burt Hummel & Carole Hudson; Sue Sylvester & Sue Sylvester

Wedding date: Nov. 23, 2010

Viewers get two weddings for the price of one in the Glee episode titled Furt. First, Finn’s mom, Carole, hooks up with Kurt’s dad, Burt. (Cliché-alert: The Glee kids perform Bruno Mars’ Marry You as Burt and Carole strut down the aisle.) Later, Sue Sylvester, resplendent in a royal blue Adidas tracksuit/wedding dress hybrid, marries the only person in the world who could love, honour and (especially) obey her: herself.

Happy couple: Luke Spencer & Laura Webber

Wedding date: Nov. 17, 1981

The 1981 wedding of General Hospital‘s Luke and Laura is widely considered to be the biggest moment in soap opera history. Over 30 million people tuned in — a record for daytime television. Far fewer are watching years later when L&L marry for a second time. Five years after their divorce, Luke remarries Laura on their 25th anniversary. (Teensy problem: Luke is now a polygamist, since he’s already married to Tracy Quartermaine.)

Happy couple: Captain/Major Anthony “Tony” Nelson & Jeannie

Wedding date: Dec. 2, 1969

Tony Nelson marries his bottle-dwelling honey, Jeannie, in Season 5 of I Dream of Jeannie. At least the newlyweds can’t torment their friends by forcing them to look through their wedding album: it turns out that genies, like vampires, can’t be photographed.

Happy couple: Marge & Homer Simpson

Wedding date: March 29, 2009

Something borrowed, something blue: Marge’s beehive hairstyle serves as the latter when Marge and Homer get married for the third time, during Season 20 of The Simpsons. Wedding No. 2, we learn, was invalid because the Presbylutheran minister in charge had let his licence lapse. This time around, all is going semi-well until Homer gets taken prisoner by Marge’s sisters, Patty and Selma, who intend to keep him captive until Marge forgets about him.

Happy couple: Emma & Oscar Leroy

Wedding date: Oct. 12, 2004

Holy hell! In Season 2 of Corner Gas, Brent finds out that his parents, Emma and Oscar, have been living in sin all this time. (“You should get a T-shirt made up that says, ‘I’m a bastard,'” Lacey tells him.) A splashy ceremony — the work of wedding planner Sgt. Davis Quinton — is arranged, toot sweet.

david.sanderson@freepress.mb.ca