Cruising for a bruising

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/10/2011 (5109 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Remember when a kinky girl was the kind you don’t bring home to mother?

A lot has changed in the past few decades. Today, that could be your mother.

Research suggests that up to 10 per cent of the population engages in alternative sexual practices, which include BDSM — bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism.

These are the people who, to paraphrase an old joke, use the whole chicken instead of just a feather.

There’s a continuum, of course. From a little innocent slap and tickle to whips and chains and masters and slaves, the BDSM experience is hardly the same for everyone. But what all kinky folks do have in common is a desire for creative sexual expression.

And take it from the man who gave kinky Manitobans a place to express themselves: Whole-chicken people are everywhere.

“It’s everyone: It’s your neighbours, your co-workers, members of government, the police. There’s even a couple of leather ministers,” says Master Bryan, who founded the twice-monthly Black and Blue Ball at the Osborne Village Inn in 1996.

The Ball, as it’s now called, is Canada’s longest-running pansexual fetish event.

If you’re at all interested in, or even mildly curious about, “bondage, domination, submission, sadism, masochism, power play, multiple partners, cross-dressing, exhibitionism, voyeurism, kinky toys, leather, latex, lace, fetishes too obscure for us to think of, or (gasp!) just plain old sex,” you might want to mark Oct. 22 on your calendar.

The Ball is a celebration of individuality, but it’s also a sexually charged social event (complete with the usual bar and dance floor) with a wider-reaching goal. “We cater to the kinky community and one of our functions is to reach into the closets of the isolated people and connect them with their own culture, their own communities,” says Master B, who is a small businessman as well as a practising sadist.

“I like to do terrible things to wonderful people. I try never to hurt people I don’t like,” the affable 52-year-old teases over coffee and pastry in a downtown café.

Time was when sexual fetishes like his were cloaked in shame, secrecy and stereotype. The fetishist was a creepy guy in a raincoat who frequented adult book stores and stole women’s shoes. People with dark fantasies had “issues,” the thinking went, and probably needed to see a shrink.

There are no concrete rules about what constitutes a fetish. The term used to refer specifically to obsession with objects or body parts, but has evolved to include some sexual behaviours, such as spanking.

The World Health Organization (WHO) defines fetish as “a reliance on some non-living object as a stimulus for sexual arousal and sexual gratification” and classifies it as a “disorder of sexual preference.” However, the WHO notes that the diagnosis should only be made if the fetish is “essential” for sexual satisfaction.

Put another way, anyone who has ever imagined their partner in a pair of buttless leather chaps is potentially a fetishist, but not necessarily mentally ill.

Popular culture and the Internet have done a lot to bring into the mainstream what was once seen as taboo or even deviant behaviour. These days, whatever tickles your fancy, there’s a website to show you the ropes — and a community of like-minded souls waiting to tie them for you, if that’s your thing.

Bondage bores Master B, a “dom” (dominant) who would rather spank and flog his common-law wife and “sub” (submissive) of 13 years than spend half an hour “tying elaborate knots.”

What about you? Would you rather wear the collar or hold the leash?

Or maybe you like to watch. Voyeurism is its own fetish.

The fact is, human sexuality is a complex subject with a continuous spectrum of possibilities for expression: Kinky is a relative term.

“Kink includes everything from holding down your lover’s hand during a spirited screw to suspending them ball-gagged from the rafters,” says Dr. Pega Ren, a Vancouver-based therapist and board-certified sexologist.

“It’s all OK as long as all the players are having a good time.”

But first the “players”– which is what members of the BDSM community are called — have to find each other.

Master B, who had his first spanking fantasy at around age nine, admits he freaked out a lot of girlfriends during his teen years.

“Then I found someone who thought it was kind of hot,” says the towering, burly man who also serves as Dungeon Master at The Ball. (The dungeon is the “play area” — bring your own paddles and ropes — which has an adjacent viewing area.)

There is much debate over how a fetish develops, but experts say it usually takes root in childhood, and more often in boys. One theory posits that a fetish develops when an object or situation and sexual arousal take place simultaneously.

Ren says it’s a myth that kinky urges are born of a need to re-enact and heal sexual and physical abuse.

“We have no evidence that that is true,” says Ren, who has been in private practice since 1988. “Masochists do not enjoy root canals. This is not about pain, it is about riding the line between pleasure and intense, erotic stimulation.”

Master B’s life partner and “playmate,” whom we’ll call Ms. V, says there were also clues about her sexual predilections in childhood.

“We used to play Cowboys and Indians, and I always wanted to be the one that got caught and tied up,” says the 45-year-old, who adds that she’s long had fantasies of being helpless and having someone else in control of her body.

Ms. V, a former nurse, calls herself a “submissive slave.” She addresses Master B as “sir,” takes his shoes off when he comes into the house and serves his meals. In fact, she does all the cooking and housework, on top of working at his business. Unlike some couples, who restrict their play to the bedroom, the couple assume their roles 24-7. She likens their dynamic to a traditional 1950s marriage (assuming Ozzie and Harriet knew their way around a cat o’ nine tails).

For the record, Ms. V is also a former political activist who still identifies as a feminist.

“One of the first tenets of feminism was that it gave us autonomy over our bodies,” she says, adding there’s a common misconception that submissive equals weak. Just because she’s submissive to her sir doesn’t mean she cows to anyone else.

“I’ve always been a dominant person, always working in a position of authority and responsibility. I can swing a flogger with the best of them. But there’s a sense of security and routine in always knowing where I fit in this relationship. There’s no ambiguity. And that can be incredibly freeing.”

Although he’ll only flog and paddle his beloved if she says please and thank you, Master B. insists that their relationship is “very much a partnership and very much full of love” and grounded in mutual respect and trust — maybe more than most unions in the “vanilla world.”

“I have to trust him not to kill me,” Ms. V says with a laugh.

The Ball takes place Oct. 22 at 9 p.m. at the Osborne Village Inn (160 Osborne St.). Attendees must be over 18, photo ID required. Tickets are $15 in advance, $20 at the door and available at Love Nest (Main Street, St. Anne’s Road and Portage Avenue locations) and at the door. Strict fetish dress code ($40 surcharge for not complying). For more info, go to www.theball.ca