Three-month fitness program turned reporter into a lean, mean burpee machine

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/01/2016 (3914 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I never appreciated how many times the word “thunder” appears in AC/DC’s 1990 hit Thunderstruck until I joined Aspire Fitness.

You see, the trainers at Aspire don’t just play music to pump you up during your workout — they’ll use particular songs as part of the workout.

Case in point: From the second you hear the opening guitar notes to Thunderstruck, you start doing jumping jacks. No problem, right? You killed that exercise in elementary school.

Then every time lead singer Brian Johnson or the backing vocalists sing “thunder” or “thunderstruck,” you do a burpee.

OK, burpees are miserable but how bad can it be? The answer is 31. Thirty-one bad. I know this because while I was frenetically hammering out burpees and jumping jacks that must have looked like I was having some kind of seizure, trainer Jeff Kearns was calmly keeping track with a marker on a white board.

(If he or fellow trainer Erica Wilken were feeling particularly confident in your abilities on a particular day, they might play the live version of Thunderstruck, which is two minutes longer and, I’m guessing, has 4,000 burpees.)

Then there’s a song from 2000 called Bring Sally Up by Moby. Some sadist decided to create the “Bring Sally Up Push-up Challenge” and post the video online. Of course, somebody at Aspire found it. You start off in the push-up position and every time you hear “Bring Sally up,” you do a push-up. When you hear “Bring Sally down” immediately after, you go down and hover.

There are 30 “Bring Sally ups” in this song and I know a lot of people will scoff at being exhausted from 30 push-ups, but it’s not the push-ups that kill you, it’s the seemingly non-stop hovering. Many people can pound out 30 push-ups, but throw in essentially 3 1/2 minutes of doing your best hovercraft impression and you’ll want to cut your arms off.

So you can imagine my excitement one day when the final exercise on my workout was to do three sets of Thunderstruck. If whoever created the jumping jack — Jack somebody, I’m guessing — had seen me that day, particularly during the third set, I’m sure he would have kicked my ass for butchering his exercise.

As I lay on the ground in obvious discomfort, Kearns walked by and offered a high-five, to which I managed a feeble hand slap.

“Nice work. That was a bit of a jerk move on my part,” he said with a laugh, and walked away.

And yet, like everybody else, I kept coming back.

I have officially finished the inaugural run of Aspire’s Grit to Glory, the male version of its Push-ups to Pinups program, a three-month-long grind of intensive workouts and a paleo diet.

But once you’re done, you’re not really done. There’s a two-week after-program to help with the transition back to a normal life. Or, should I say, a new normal life. After all the hard work you’ve put into a program such as this, why would you want to tumble back into your old habits?

Jason Penner, owner of Aspire, said it’s not uncommon to fall off the wagon after an intense exercise program.

“Some people schedule it in a spot where they know their schedule isn’t busy. Then their schedule picks up once the program is done and they don’t have the hours in the day to do everything. We want to avoid that as best we can,” he said.

He and his staff like to teach their clients how to set goals and have direction with not only their fitness, but their lives. The after-program is a big part of that. Some of those new goals could include running a half-marathon, taking up adventure racing or learning how to kayak, snowshoe or cross-country ski.

“Fitness doesn’t come in 12-week blocks. It’s a lifestyle. It’s 365 days a year. We don’t want you to finish the program and see you in three months (for the next one) right back where you started,” he said.

“Some people find not being fit holds them back from doing things they want to do. Hopefully, we can help them develop a base-level fitness where they can go and try these things with confidence.”

The best way to be able to maintain your success is to find exercises and activities you like to do and healthy foods you like to eat.

“Don’t just do exactly what we tell you. Find recipes that you like and are easy to make so you can be successful meal-wise. Being healthy doesn’t mean you’re necessarily at the gym four days a week. It could be that you enjoy cross-country skiing and cycling,” he said.

It bears mentioning that Penner, Kearns and Wilken all have advanced degrees in anatomy, physiology and biomechanics, which give them the know-how to deal with the unique needs of clients. When they suggest you do an exercise a certain way, they can tell you in minute detail the potential impact of doing it incorrectly.

“The fitness industry is littered with people who are bodybuilders who then feel they can train (clients) or people who have seen success in athletics and now feel that transfers over into helping other people. We watch for key things. If something doesn’t seem right with how a joint is moving or the way it’s positioned, we’ll make alterations to either fix it long-term by adding (specific) exercises or making an adjustment right there,” he said.

geoff.kirbyson@freepress.mb.ca