Haiku horoscopes

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/09/2016 (3664 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Try to go at least

One more week without learning

Of Pokemon Go

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A fatal lemon

Allergy will prevent you

From enjoying life

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Here’s a title for

Your autobiography:

Pretty Much the Worst

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

When death comes for you

You could buy a bit of time

With freshly baked pie

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

“Terror in the Skies!!!”

Good movie tag line but not

Good airline slogan

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Not sure if that is

A bonsai tree or you’re just

A bad gardener

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Believe in yourself!

If you don’t then no one will

Join your deranged cult

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Try to snack healthy

By eating more fruit and less

Shards of broken glass

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

James Franco called and

He’s just calling to say hi

There isn’t a joke

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

In life you have to

Compromise sometimes, like when

Surrounded by eels

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

It’s not polite when

You won’t let the parasites

Finish their dinner

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Millions of years from

Now, people will still talk of

Your one funny tweet