Haiku horoscopes

The last time oil-tankers were being shot up in the Persian Gulf, back in the 1980s, it was Saddam Hussein’s brutal tyranny in Iraq versus Ayatollah Khomeini’s revolutionary Islamist regime in Iran.

The United States backed Saddam because he was just another murderous thug, whereas the new regime in Tehran was an actual threat to American interests. It had overthrown Iran’s American-backed puppet king and wanted to spread its Islamist ideology across the region.

So, of course, Ronald Reagan’s administration chose Saddam’s side. It sent Iraq arms by clandestine means (because Congress wouldn’t authorize it) and even provided targeting information for Iraqi poison gas attacks on Iran. The Americans chose the “lesser evil,” but at least they knew it was evil.

Once in a while they would even say it out loud, quoting U.S. diplomat Henry Kissinger: “It’s a shame that both sides can’t lose.” But they never did anything about it, and after eight years of slaughter, the war ended in a no-score draw.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new boyfriend wanted a key to my place and I told him, “Not yet — we just met. It’s too soon.”

So, last night I came home from playing tennis and there he was in my little house sitting in my new recliner. He was eating a bag of chips, drinking a beer and watching TV.

He laughed when he saw my shocked face! Then he said, “Hello, beautiful! I just let myself in. You must be hungry. Can I make you something to eat?”

I said, “You’re acting like you live here, but you don’t. Where did you get my house key? You scared me!”

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: With my encouragement, my chubby wife lost 45 pounds over the winter and spring. She also joined an all-female running group.

Last night she had the nerve to tell me she needs more sex as part of her physical rejuvenation. That turns me off somewhat — like I’m one of her exercise machines.

But if I don’t join her in her “more sex” campaign, would she be hurt and depressed and then gain back all the weight? She’s become really attractive-looking again, like she looked before she had our kids. She could actually probably get another guy if she tried.

If I knew she would become so sexual and demanding, I wouldn’t have bugged her to take the weight off. I was complaining about this to a friend I golf with, who is on his second wife and knows everything about cheating.