Haiku horoscopes

By:  Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud  Posted:

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

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Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/09/2016 (3666 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Try to go at least

One more week without learning

Of Pokemon Go

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A fatal lemon

Allergy will prevent you

From enjoying life

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Here’s a title for

Your autobiography:

Pretty Much the Worst

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

When death comes for you

You could buy a bit of time

With freshly baked pie

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

“Terror in the Skies!!!”

Good movie tag line but not

Good airline slogan

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Not sure if that is

A bonsai tree or you’re just

A bad gardener

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Believe in yourself!

If you don’t then no one will

Join your deranged cult

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Try to snack healthy

By eating more fruit and less

Shards of broken glass

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

James Franco called and

He’s just calling to say hi

There isn’t a joke

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

In life you have to

Compromise sometimes, like when

Surrounded by eels

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

It’s not polite when

You won’t let the parasites

Finish their dinner

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Millions of years from

Now, people will still talk of

Your one funny tweet

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It sounded silly at the time, and it’s even sillier now considering how exceptional the 29-year-old safety from Montreal was in Saturday’s 22nd edition of the Banjo Bowl.

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Haiku horoscopes

 Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud  2 minute read Thursday, Sep. 1, 2016

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Try to go at least

One more week without learning

Of Pokemon Go

Justice officials hope to seize homes, vehicles, jewelry, cash from father, son accused in drug-trafficking operation

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A father and son arrested last month are accused of travelling across Canada — and using courier services and Canada Post — to supply their Winnipeg drug-trafficking operation, a recent court filing shows.

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother is coming to visit and our little kids want her to sleep in their bedroom, where there’s a double bed and a single. My husband thinks this idea is ridiculous and says grandma needs her sleep, but I disagree.

I remember sleeping with my grandma — who’s now with the angels — and she told us grandkids (two girls) some wonderful bedtime stories she made up herself. She even put our names into them, making us the stars of the stories.

The best part was getting into our pyjamas with our grandmother, who showed us the magic cord from the little thing that ran from her near-deaf ear down to the secret battery pocket hidden in the bra of her slip. It made her hear us better in the daytime. We thought, “Wow!”

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Adam Orbanski was crossing Langside Street along Broadway Friday and had just made it to the curb when a vehicle slammed into another metres away from him.

“It’s pretty crazy,” Orbanski said Monday after viewing security footage of the incident captured by a nearby business. “I didn’t realize how close I was, I guess, until my friend sent me the security footage. I’m lucky to be alive.”

Orbanski said he was walking home from work when he began to hear sirens. As he crossed Langside, he could see one vehicle approaching him quickly.

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