How to bro-proof your microwave

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/12/2017 (3143 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Every year, I somehow manage to buy my wife a Christmas present that brings her neither comfort nor joy.

For instance, last year, I bought She Who Must Not Be Named a kitchen gadget called the Angry Mama, which resembles a tiny red-haired woman with her hands on her hips and an angry scowl adorning her little plastic face.

The way it works is you fill Angry Mama with a mixture of vinegar and water, then pop her in your microwave on high for seven minutes, causing her to spew steam from a series of holes in her head, thereby softening microwave stains so you can easily wipe them away.

A genius invention, right? Well, my wife just rolled her eyes at Angry Mama and, without opening the box, stuck her beside our microwave, where, every morning, I see her little plastic face giving me reproachful looks.

So the other day, with Angry Mama looking on, I sat down at the computer and randomly Googled microwave, which is when I stumbled on two news stories that I want to share with you today in a sincere and humanitarian effort to write enough words so the paper will give me my holiday paycheque.

The first magical story reminds us that the Christmas season is the most wonderful time of year… unless you decide to cement your head inside a microwave oven.

You probably think I am joking around about this, but, sadly, I am not. According to a host of news reports, a 22-year-old British man named Jay Swingler became hopelessly stuck after mixing up seven bags of Polyfilla before pouring it around his head, which was protected by a plastic bag and thrust inside the microwave oven, which, thankfully, was unplugged at the time.

It took a team of five firefighters about an hour to rescue Swingler, who was using the microwave as a mould as part of a stunt carried out for the TGFbro YouTube channel’s Extreme Christmas Calendar series, wherein Swingler and another buddy, Romell Henry, engage in daily (and potentially lethal) holiday-season pranks.

According to Britain’s Guardian newspaper, as soon as the cement began to set, Swingler struggled to breathe through a plastic air tube, which is when his buddies started to become concerned and spent about 90 minutes trying to set him free before finally calling the fire department.

Why did Swingler cement his head in the microwave? The only logical explanation is that he is a guy, and this is the sort of idiotic nonsense that guys engage in, especially when they are young. It is the same reason, when I was around 11, I took my parents’ patio umbrella and jumped off the top of our house, safely landing in a spot of mushy grass where the septic system was, thankfully, backing up.

Mr. Cement Head has made holiday headlines around the world, and also inspired me to pay tribute to him in the following heartfelt Christmas carol that I have just made up:

“Silent night/Holy night/Swingler’s in the kitchen/Something’s not right/Round yon microwave/A bunch of young guys/Head in cement/You know that’s not wise/Call the fire department/Caaaallll the fire department!”

In the end, Swingler thanked the emergency services for rescuing him, but the fire crew was less than impressed.

Sniffed watch commander Shaun Dakin, the officer in charge: “As funny as this sounds, this young man could quite easily have suffocated or have been seriously injured. Taking the microwave apart was tricky, because a lot of it was welded… He was very relieved when we removed a large chunk of the Polyfilla with a screwdriver, allowing him to breathe more easily.”

I wish I could tell you that this sticky incident was the only holiday-season horror of its kind, but, sadly, it is just the tip of a gigantic iceberg, which, when tipped over, reveals a bunch of guys (and a few delinquent penguins) playing stupid tricks with microwave ovens.

For example, I am holding in my hands a news report discussing the potential dangers of microwaving hard-boiled eggs.

According to IFLScience.com, a pair of researchers, Anthony Nash and Lauren von Blohn, presented some findings to the 174th meeting of the Acoustical Society. The research began after a man complained of burns and hearing loss when a hard-boiled egg exploded in his mouth after being microwaved.

“They then did their own research and found that eggs sometimes explode in microwaves, but about 30 per cent of the eggs survived being in the microwave, and only exploded after being taken out and poked with a sharp object,” IFLScience.com said.

In a statement, Nash said: “On a statistical basis, the likelihood of an egg exploding and damaging someone’s hearing is quite remote. It’s a little bit like playing egg roulette.”

We personally watched an online video wherein a man, clearly in the kitchen at his workplace, microwaves a hard-boiled egg for one minute, then pokes it with a fork, which causes the egg to explode and the man to begin shrieking like a little girl.

The festive point we are trying to make is that you should immediately put down this newspaper and put up a warning sign beside your microwave oven stating, in all caps: “PLEASE DO NOT STICK YOUR HEAD IN THIS OVEN AND FILL IT WITH CEMENT. ALSO, DO NOT ZAP HARDBOILED EGGS! MERRY CHRISTMAS.”

In the spirit of the season, I am going to do that right now, just as soon as I get my (bad word) hand unstuck from the toaster.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca