Science fails to take into account tiny male mind

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/04/2018 (3021 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Now that they’ve finished curing all known diseases and exploring every corner of the universe, it seems scientists have finally decided to try their hands at something useful.

For instance, according to a pack of breathless news reports I am holding in my hand, in a major breakthrough, scientists have successfully grown parts of a human brain inside a mouse.

I’m assuming these are guy brains, because my wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, assures me that powerful female brains would be far too large to fit inside the skull of a standard mouse.

But that’s not the scientific point. The point is, for the first time, tiny human brains have grown in a new species, and scientists have suggested the breakthrough could help with stem-cell research.

The way it worked, according to news reports, was the scientists created the pin-sized human brains, then placed them inside the mice, where a piece of tissue had been removed to make room for the new grey matter.

Newsweek reported that in some parts of the brain, the human brain cells outnumbered the mouse brain cells.

“We could see the human cells taking over the whole space,” lead researcher Steven Goldman told New Scientist. “It seemed like the mouse counterparts were fleeing to the margins.”

Q: Is that great scientific news, or what?

A: No, it is not! Because if there is one (bad word) thing the world does NOT need, it is smarter mice.

Fortunately, based on what I have read and likely because the researchers were using tiny guy brains, there is no evidence the mice became smarter, which is good.

I am mildly offended the research team did not contact me, because, for more years than I can count, I have famously been dealing with an on-again, off-again invasion of mice in my house.

In most years, we have been able to trap these rodent invaders. But, this year, I was forced to do battle with the Einstein of mice, a super-intelligent evil rodent genius able to avoid every trap I set out, make off with our muffins, and then leave snotty notes for us to read in the morning, such as:

“Dear Puny Humans: Mwa ha ha! You will never defeat me, for my brain, while smaller than a cashew, is far more clever than yours. I laugh at your pitiful snap traps. By the way, some blueberry muffins would be appreciated as I am allergic to all-bran. Sincerely, The Mouse.”

So now, without bothering to consult me, scientists are randomly sticking tiny human guy brains inside mice. It’s too soon to know what the results will be, but here are a few deeply disturbing things we can expect to see from mice powered by male grey matter:

● Mice with human guy brains will still insist on eating cheese, but only if their wives bring it to them while they relax on a ratty couch in the den watching sports highlights on a big-screen TV;

● Despite lacking opposable thumbs, the guy mice will spend most of their time attempting to operate the TV remote control, which they will refuse to let their mice wives touch;

● The guy mice, when they get together in a large group, will find it uproariously funny when one of them sticks out a furry little paw and says “Pull my finger!” even though it doesn’t, technically, have fingers;

● Instead of scurrying around the pantry in a furtive manner, most of the mice will refuse to get off the couch in the den and, when they want something, will simply belch, then yell: “HEY, HON, CAN YOU BRING ME ANOTHER CHUNK OF THAT AGED CHEDDAR!!!?”;

● When the mice get together with other guy mice, they will feel compelled to demonstrate their mouse masculinity by insulting each other’s favourite sports teams and/or hobbies;

● If one of these mice sustains a serious hair/fur loss, it will attempt to cover it up with a tiny mouse comb-over;

● No matter how fat these mice get from unfettered access to snacks, whenever they see themselves in a mirror, they will puff themselves up and remark: “Looking good, Mickey! Looking good!”;

● Thanks to their tiny guy brains, these mice will never develop innermost feelings, although they will get weepy whenever they watch (a) the tear-jerking finale of Old Yeller; or (b) the scene in the movie Brian’s Song wherein the Chicago Bears are informed their buddy may (sniff) never play football again;

● If one of the mice gets its toe caught in a snap trap, it will wildly exaggerate how much it hurts and then complain in a high nasally voice that its spouse doesn’t really love it or understand it;

● If your bathroom is infested by mice with tiny guy brains, they will refuse to put the toilet seat down, and they will mess around with your toilet-paper roll to ensure the tissue is dispensed “under” instead of “over,” which is the sort of thing only a rat would think is funny;

● These mice will suddenly become deaf if their mouse-spouse approaches them during the NHL playoffs and says something about doing “yard work”;

● They will show affection for other male-brain mice by giving them stupid testosterone-intensive nicknames, such as “Bro-dent”;

● They will continue to “cat-call” women, even though they are deathly afraid of cats;

● For reasons none of their tiny brains can understand, these manly rodents will idolize Bruce Willis and insist Die Hard is the best “Christmas movie” ever made;

● When these mice sneak under the covers of your bed, they will break wind, then refuse to let their mouse spouses surface for fresh air;

● Like their human counterparts, mice equipped with tiny male brains will never read or watch Fifty Shades of Grey… because even rodents have standards.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca