Cowboy Pinball the dumbest ‘sport’ ever

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/02/2019 (2762 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

As a crusading journalist with steely blue eyes and naturally curly hair, I am always on the lookout for news reports about people engaging in potentially lethal activities that probably should be outlawed.

For instance, in one of the first groundbreaking columns I wrote for this newspaper, back in 2006, I courageously described the obscure English sport of “ferret-legging,” wherein (you might want to sit down before reading this next bit) participants stuff weasels down their pants.

In that column, I quoted an article from the November 1992 edition of Harper’s magazine entitled “The King of the Ferret-Leggers.”

Here’s how it described this fun, pub-based activity: “Basically, ferret-legging involves the tying of a competitor’s trousers at the ankle and the insertion into those trousers of a couple of peculiarly vicious fur-coated carnivores called ferrets.

“The brave contestant’s belt is then pulled tight, and he proceeds to stand there in front of the judges as long as he can, while animals with claws like hypodermic needles and teeth like No. 16 carpet tacks try their damndest to get out.”

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Gee, Doug, that sounds like it would be even more fun to watch than competitive curling.”

Well, you are right, but that’s not the point. The point is, at the time, I thought to myself: “I cannot imagine, in the entire world, there is any sporting activity more idiotic than putting ferrets in your pants.”

I can see now that I was a fool. I base that statement on an email I received this past week from my buddy John Longhurst, one of the most thoughtful people I know, that contained a link to an alarming video about a burgeoning “sport” that has come to be known as “Cowboy Pinball.”

“What’s scary is knowing this not a one-off, but a thing,” is what my pal John said in his email. “The smart ones fled immediately.”

The video was shot at a recent rodeo event in Kentucky called the Owensboro Bull Bash and shows a couple of participants — all of whom reportedly signed a waiver — getting injured after being tossed in the air like ragdolls by one of two bulls released into the ring.

For those of you who do not keep up on genius concepts like “Cowboy Pinball,” here, as far as I can tell, are the basic rules: Volunteers try to grab a US$100 bill affixed to a bull’s torso or horns or tail without leaving their assigned locations in the rodeo ring — little circles outlined in white chalk on the ground.

In the video, which I forced myself to watch several times, the first bull that entered the ring was relatively calm and not much happened. But the second bull underscored the scientific fact that (pardon me while I activate the caps lock feature on my keyboard) YOU HAVE TO BE A COMPLETE MORON TO STAND INSIDE A LITTLE CIRCLE AND TRY TO SNATCH US$100 FROM A RAMPAGING BULL!!!

“It’s raining cowboys!” a voice blares over the speaker system after the second “player” crashes to the ground. It is pretty much impossible to count how many times these cowboys flip in the air before the bull, which apparently had not been apprised of the rules of conduct before the game, chased a third fellow toward a railing as he tried to escape.

Here’s how spectator Sarah Woodard described the scene in a number of news reports: “Up until they let the second bull out, it was pretty normal. Just a big old bull out there that’s kind of scaring people but not really out to get anybody.

“(But the second bull), he was ready to go after somebody. He was gonna get him, so when they let him in with the general public in the pinball game, I was like, ‘Oh, my Lord! Why would they do that?’ That’s such a bad judgment call.”

Bad judgment call? That’s an excellent way to put it, Sarah. I would like to think that as these “players” were flipping through the air, they took a moment to think: “You know, this might not have been such a good idea after all. Maybe I should re-evaluate my life and, as my parents always said, make good choices!”

According to news reports, several participants in Cowboy Pinball received injuries including broken ribs, torn ligaments, scrapes and bruises, and at least one man was taken to hospital with non-life-threatening injuries. What a shock that something went wrong, eh?

You will be glad to know that officials from the Owensboro Convention Center told reporters they had no idea the game was going to be included in this year’s Bull Bash.

“We didn’t have any knowledge about it until it was announced over the speakers. Obviously, if we had known we would have pulled it immediately,” centre general manager Laura Alexander was quoted as saying.

In light of this latest event, I am going to go out on a limb and state for the record that standing motionless in a chalk circle and trying to snatch cash from a bull that is plowing towards you like an enraged snowplow is even dumber than stuffing an irate ferret down your trousers.

Excuse me for getting all judgmental, but I don’t think you should consider trying either of these monumentally stupid “sports.”

But if you do find yourself in a ring with a rogue bull, forget grabbing the US$100. Just take away his credit card, because that should stop him from charging.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca