Cows ain’t for kissin’ — with or without tongue

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/05/2019 (2662 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

What with being a crusading newspaper columnist, I have always strived to use a great deal of journalistic sensitivity whenever I tackle the controversial topic of cows.

I learned my lesson last year, when I foolishly wrote a column citing news reports stating cows pose a threat to the planet because they pump a lot of methane into the atmosphere via their flatulence and, especially, their belches.

Q: Doug, are you trying to say you wrote a childish column in which you made a lot of stupid jokes about cows farting?

A: Yes, and I am deeply ashamed.

Despite the fact I was quoting a bunch of award-winning scientists, there was a great deal of (cough) blowback to the flatulent-cows column in the sense that Manitoba Beef Producers wrote me a long letter making the central point that I am a bit of a doofus.

In an extremely polite and informative letter, Brian Lemon, general manager of the beef producers, sympathized with my wife for putting up with my personal emissions at home, but complained I had done a disservice to Manitoba’s hard-working beef producers.

“The myth of our cattle’s burping and farting is exactly this — a myth,” Lemon wrote. “While there is no doubting that cattle do burp and fart, you are contributing to a myth that costs the beef sector millions of dollars to defend. The truth is that in Canada, GHG emissions from cattle contribute only 2.4 per cent to Canada’s total GHG emissions.

“By comparison, transportation contributes 28 per cent of the total GHG emissions in Canada. Furthermore, Canadian beef has one of the lowest GHG footprints in the world at 11.4 kg CO2 equivalent per kg of live cattle weight, less than half of the world average.”

So, yes, they had a beef with me and felt comfortable airing it in public, which is how I caught wind of their concerns and ended up feeling guilty that I had given cows a bum rap, so to speak.

Which is why, today, I am going to try to exercise a great deal of sensitivity and discretion when I issue the following stern warning: STOP KISSING COWS ON THE LIPS!

If you think I am being foolish in issuing that warning, then I assume you are blissfully unaware of the newest cow-related internet challenge that is causing a great deal of consternation in cow-intensive parts of Europe.

According to the British newspapers the Guardian and the Daily Mail, a Swiss app called Castl launched the #KuhKussChallenge (“Cow Kiss Challenge”) last week, encouraging users in Switzerland and other German-speaking countries to kiss cows — “with or without tongues” — to raise money for charity.

Yes, you heard me correctly — members of the general public in Europe are being encouraged to kiss cows directly on their lips (assuming cows have lips) without bothering to ask the cows involved whether they are in the mood (make that “moood”) to lock lips (again, assuming they have lips).

In a YouTube video of people performing the challenge, one unnamed man clutches a bunch of flowers as he presses his lips to a cow to get it to “kiss” him, then laughs into the camera. Yet another guy laughs loudly when his lips and nose are smothered by a cow’s tongue the size of an inflatable raft.

The whole cow-kissing trend is not sitting well with the Austrian government, which is calling on internet users to just say no to canoodling with cattle because the whole thing is a “dangerous nuisance.”

Austrian Agriculture Minister Elisabeth Koestinger condemned the challenge in a statement and pointed out that cows with calves could become aggressive when a rogue human being decides to plant one squarely on their bovine kisser.

“Pastures and meadows are not petting zoos — actions like these could have serious consequences,” she warned. “Actions like this challenge fly in the face of our efforts to promote coexistence on the pastures. I simply can’t understand it.”

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that cow-kissing must be the stupidest challenge in the history of the internet. Well, of course, you could not be more wrong about that.

The dumbest internet challenge in history is something I wrote about earlier this year called the “Corn Drill Challenge,” wherein you stick a cob of corn on the end of a power drill and then try to eat the corn in under 10 seconds while it spins wildly across your vulnerable teeth.

I watched an online video of a woman attempting this challenge and having a large chunk of her hair ripped out by the spinning drill, which clearly hurt a great deal.

Do you know what else would hurt a great deal? I will tell you — being crushed and/or stomped to death by a cow that did not appreciate someone sneaking up and smacking it on its mouth parts without first being introduced to the cow’s family.

It’s not that I am a prude. In fact, last year, I wrote a column praising the newest wellness trend — cow cuddling, which is where you, a farm-animal enthusiast, for a small fee, are allowed to fling your arms around a hefty heifer under the supervision of a trained wellness instructor/farmer.

But those were professional cows that were trained in techniques for reducing clients’ stress via being cuddled in a non-judgmental barnyard environment.

It’s another thing entirely when people taking part in an idiotic online challenge randomly kiss innocent and unsuspecting cattle. It’s unlikely the cows will launch lawsuits — “to err is human, to forgive bovine” — but that’s not the point.

The legal and moral and ethical point is that you should never attempt to kiss anyone or anything unless you have first obtained permission from the udder side.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca