Madam Speaker, I rise to relay a big, hairy apology from…

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/04/2021 (1642 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

What with being a big-shot newspaper columnist, I am always willing to look at both sides of an issue.

Which is why today, out of a sense of journalistic fairness, I am going to look at both sides of a controversial issue — the horrific hairstyle commonly known as “the mullet.”

Regular readers will recall that earlier this week I courageously called on our provincial and federal governments to take steps to ban the mullet, which, for the record, is a 1980s-era hairstyle in which the hair is short at the front, but ridiculously long at the back.

I was compelled to take this courageous stand because — brace yourselves for a major shock — the mullet, also known as the “Hockey Player Haircut,” is making a major comeback amid the gloom of the pandemic.

Take a brief moment to Google this hairstyle and you will find yourself awash in news stories sporting headlines such as this alarming one from the Houston Chronicle: “Yes, the COVID mullet is real. And it’s spectacular!”

I used Monday’s column to launch an anti-mullet campaign after reading about two elite schools in Australia that banned this resurgent hairdo and warned that students who don’t comply will be picked up by their parents and ordered to get a decent haircut.

Allow me to stress that my anti-mullet stand was not a knee-jerk emotional reaction but a thoughtful position based entirely on two logical arguments, namely: 1) Mullets look stupid; and 2) I hate them.

I assumed everyone would agree, but it turns out I was wrong. As soon as that column appeared, I was flooded with angry emails from pro-mullet readers who made the following two points: 1) I am an idiot; and 2) Mullets rock!

The first angry email, with “mullet haircut” in the subject line, was brief and to the point: “Keep your ideas to yourself!”

If that had been it, I would not feel compelled today to rethink my controversial stand on sending mullets back to the 1980s. What made me reconsider was an insightful email from a fellow named D.K. Davis with the word “betrayal” in the subject line.

“Dear Mr. Speirs,” D.K. wrote. “I always thought as I was reading your column that you were a wise man of the world. You like hockey, and I like hockey. You like dogs, and I like dogs. You like bacon, and I like bacon. But you broke the contract that you and I had agreed to; you not only believe the mullet is a bad haircut, you believe it should be banned! You have betrayed me in ways I cannot voice, but I will try.

“Firstly, Jaromir Jagr (a famous mullet head) took a four-plus-year break from the NHL and still had over 1,900 points. Patrik Laine and his stupid haircut will never finish his career with half that total. If that is not enough support for Jagr, remember the All-Star Game in which that master comedian P.K. Subban paid homage to the Mulleted-Czech by coming out wearing a long mullet (wig).The crowd loved it, the players loved it and Jagr loved it. How is that a bad thing?”

The email went on to lament the “Draconian” measures taken by the Australian private schools, and noted people who complain about mullets are either too old or too bald to sport this reborn hairstyle.

“When I was 14 years old, my father told me he was tired of arguing about haircuts, and if I wanted to ‘look like a hippie, then I should go ahead.’ Forty years later, I am still getting the same haircut, a mullet. I don’t quote Australian headmasters or speak about urbandictionary.com or even pretend to like all haircuts, but I will never give up my mullet and if I had my way, it would become the National Haircut of Canada (for men),” D.K. told me.

In his final line, he offered this challenge: “I trust you will make your public apologies in front of the legislature.”

Well, D.K., you have certainly presented us with a conundrum today, despite the fact I am not completely sure what a conundrum is. But allow me to ask a simple question:

Q: If Person A takes one view of mullets, while Person B takes the opposite view, then who ultimately decides which person is correct?

A: That would be Person C, namely me, because I have my own newspaper column and you don’t!

OK, I apologize for momentarily behaving like a small, angry child. As I mentioned at the start of this column, I am prepared to see both sides of the mullet issue in an adult manner.

If you take a few moments here to Google the word “mullet,” you will stumble on thousands of stories about how this much-derided hairstyle is making one of the most unexpected comebacks in fashion history.

“Yes, you read that right — the iconic ‘business in front, party in back’ hairstyle has surged back into the mainstream. Were we ready for it? No. Did we expect it? Not at all. Are we mad at it? Funnily enough, not really,” confesses a recent article in Men’s Health magazine.

Which is why all of us need to look deep in our hearts today and give this issue serious consideration. Will I ever cut my hair in this manner and stand in front of the legislature to apologize? Probably not, but at least I’m a big enough man to mullet over!

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca