Is the foil on a little tight, Doug?

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/09/2021 (1772 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Being a crusading newspaper columnist, I am always on the lookout for hip and happening new trends to check out.

Which explains why the other day I decided to wrap my feet in aluminum foil.

There I was, parked in front of the home computer, perusing random sites on the internet, when I stumbled on a website with this intriguing headline: “Try wrapping your feet in aluminum foil!”

The website, tips-and-tricks.co, featured a story about all the cool things you can do with aluminum foil, such as getting rid of static cling, sharpening your scissors, and ironing clothes when you don’t have time to iron your clothes.

But what intrigued me was the bit where they boasted without any evidence about the remarkable health benefits of foil. I’m assuming this feature was created by the manufacturers of aluminum foil in a sincere and humanitarian effort to sell more aluminum foil.

“We’re sure you’re familiar with aluminum foil. Many people use it in the kitchen, but not many would think of using it to wrap body parts with. It may sound like a strange idea, but it turns out that aluminum foil is a great product for your everyday ailments,” is what the story chirped.

“Wrapping body parts in aluminum foil can bring many advantages and benefits. For instance, it is great for fatigue, it alleviates painful joints, it softens the pain from burns and it can even be used to help cure you of a cold.”

My initial reaction to this alleged information was something along the lines of: “Wow! I’ll bet if I did a little research online I would find websites telling me this is a dumb thing to do.”

Of course, that’s exactly what happened. The first thing my search yielded was another website, thenewhealthcycle.com, which featured a headline shouting: “Do NOT wrap your feet with aluminum foil: Health Warning!”

It went on to claim that, when you wrap your feet in foil, nothing good is going to happen.

According to the Associated Press, experts say everyday exposure to aluminum is not considered a health hazard, and it is nearly impossible to avoid the metal. Most food, water, air and soil contain some aluminum. It’s used in processing food and medicine, including flour, baking soda, antacids and buffered aspirin.

As a naturally skeptical journalist, the following thought quickly formed in my mind: “Wrapping your feet in foil sounds like a real waste of time. I guess I’d better try it.”

So that’s what I did. I should point out here that I am not a licensed medical practitioner, but I have seen several doctor shows on TV, so I figured I could safely foil my feet without causing any lasting damage.

Out of journalistic curiosity, I did check out an online chat site where pretty much everyone pointed out that putting foil on your feet was even dumber than cheering for the Saskatchewan Roughriders, if you can imagine.

“What happens is you make a crinkling sound as you walk,” is what one user commented.

Still, because I had a little time on my hands and know where my wife stores the foil in our kitchen, I decided to give it a go. It took me a few minutes to rip off a few sheets of foil and then wrap them around my Hobbit-style feet, which, scientifically speaking, are not my most attractive appendages.

It is difficult to find the right words to describe what it feels like when you try to walk around your house with feet covered in foil wrap, but I will try: It feels very, very weird. And, yes, you do make a distinct crinkling sound.

Again, out of sheer curiosity, I decided to park myself on the living room couch, feet propped up on our coffee table, and wait for my wife to return from work.

When she walked in the door, she calmly looked at my feet, rolled her eyes, and asked: “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I decided to wrap my feet in aluminum foil,” is what I replied. “They crinkle when I walk.”

“They look like giant baked potatoes,” is what she replied in the tone of voice you would use if you were talking to a house plant. “Where did you get such a dumb idea?”

I sensed my spouse was not as impressed with my scientific spirit as I’d hoped. So I folded my arms, frowned and said: “I read about this online. It’s a thing.”

Which is when she shook her head in dismay, started walking towards the kitchen, and, looking back over her shoulder, sighed: “You need to find a way to keep these ridiculous ideas out of your head.”

I smiled a mischievous smile. “That’s easy to do,” I declared with as much dignity as someone in my position could muster. “I’ll just make myself an aluminum foil hat.”

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca