A genius plan to boost this paper’s fortunes

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/01/2017 (3355 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I have come up with a genius plan to turn myself into a hero and boost subscriptions to my newspaper at the same time.

It turns out all I have to do is get under the exceptionally thin skin of the incoming leader of the free world, bombastic billionaire Donald Trump.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Gee, Doug, annoying the most powerful man in the world does sound like a genius plan, but maybe you could explain it to us in greater detail.”

Yes, I would be happy to do so. In a nutshell, my plan involves insulting Donald Trump, prompting him to say terrible things about me and my newspaper on Twitter — thereby causing paid subscriptions online and in print to skyrocket, for which I would take the credit.

It is entirely possible you think this is a lame-brained business plan, but that is only because you are not a crusading newspaper columnist with naturally curly hair and too much time on his hands.

Consider the evidence: before the U.S. election, the venerable New York Times said all manner of mean things about Trump, prompting him to fire back with a never-ending stream of badly worded criticisms, such as this gem: “But The New York Times is so unfair. I mean they write three, four articles about me a day. No matter how good I do on something, they’ll never write good… They don’t write good. They have people over there… they don’t — they don’t write good. They don’t know how to write good.”

And did the New York Times become, as Trump suggested, a “failing” newspaper? Ha ha ha! I am laughing a cruel little laugh, because Trump’s mocking words instead gave the Times a huge shot in the arm.

Starting on election day, Nov. 8, the Times has seen “a net increase of approximately 132,000 paid subscriptions to our news products,” the media giant said in a statement to CNBC.

“This represents a dramatic rate of growth, 10 times, the same period one year ago… Far from failing, we’re seeing remarkable response” for the kind of journalism at the Times.

Let’s move on to Vanity Fair magazine, which in December published a scathing article stating that Trump Grill, the clubby steakhouse in the lobby of Trump Tower in New York City, “could be the worst restaurant in America.”

Here’s a tiny taste of what reviewer Tina Nguyen had to say: “The steak came out overcooked and mealy, with an ugly strain of pure fat running through it, crying out for A.1. sauce (it was missing the promised demi-glace, too). The plate must have tilted during its journey from the kitchen to the table, as the steak slumped to the side over the potatoes like a dead body inside a T-boned minivan.”

It went downhill from there, if you catch our drift. As is his way, Trump lambasted the magazine on Twitter, because, hey, these are the issues he cares about. Tweeted Trump: “Has anyone looked at the really poor numbers of @VanityFair Magazine. Way down, big trouble, dead! (Editor) Graydon Carter, no talent, will be out!”

As you have no doubt deduced, the wrath of Trump was great news for Vanity Fair, with new subscriptions soaring 100-fold after the angry tweet. “This was the highest number of subscriptions sold in a single day ever at Condé Nast,” a company spokesperson was quoted as saying. The magazine also gained thousands of new followers on social media.

The vital point I am making is this: if Donald Trump doesn’t want anyone to read a particular newspaper or magazine, then everyone wants to read that (bad word) newspaper or magazine.

And we’re pretty sure Meryl Streep’s career will really take off now that Trump has lashed out at her on Twitter, after she took a few potshots at the thin-skinned president-elect in a speech while accepting an award at the Golden Globes on Sunday.

Which brings us to our genius plan, wherein we will now say something mean-spirited in hopes of getting Trump to attack us on Twitter, thereby boosting our business and turning this opportunistic columnist into a journalistic hero.

Trump does not have a restaurant in Winnipeg to mock, but his daughter Ivanka’s fashion brand — dresses, blouses, jewelry and so on — is sold at a gaggle of upscale stores throughout our frozen city.

The truth is, Ivanka’s clothing line is perfectly lovely, but for the purposes of my self-serving plan, I will cough up this caustic review: “Ivanka Trump’s fashion products are corrupting the youth of North America, fuelling the obesity epidemic, leading to the downfall of western civilization and, most likely, were inspired by Vladimir Putin! Also, they make your butt look big.”

OK, that should do it. Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for Trump to tear a strip off of me via Twitter. I can already sense him doing a slow burn as he sits in the Trump Grill enjoying a Gold Label Burger, which Tina Nguyen described as less tasty than an eyeball popped out of the skull of a roasted pig, if you can imagine.

But the rest of you don’t have to wait for Donald to lose his temper on Twitter. Just start buying subscriptions now, lots of them, because I suspect we will need the extra cash once the president-elect, not known for his sense of humour, talks to his lawyers.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca