November 12, 2018

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Opinion

An annual tradition: let's get naked

But be warned: not everyone will be happy to see you

Bettina Hansen / Hartford Courant Files</p><p>Unless you’re at a nude beach, we don’t recommend you going outside naked.</p></p>

Bettina Hansen / Hartford Courant Files

Unless you’re at a nude beach, we don’t recommend you going outside naked.

If you have ever looked closely at the mugshot accompanying this column or seen me in person wandering around the freezer aisle at the grocery store, you will understand why I am reluctant to do anything naked, including showering and taking a bath.

It’s not that I’m overly prudish; it’s more that, with each passing day, I look more and more like the love child of Jabba the Hutt and a sea cow, only with considerably more wrinkles.

A few years ago, for instance, I took part in Vancouver’s annual New Year’s Day Polar Bear Swim — for the record, everyone wore bathing suits — and my own mother looked at my pasty, shivering body and chirped: “Maybe you should think about putting on a shirt.”

The important fashion point I am making today is that, as a general rule, I do not like to appear in public unless I am wearing, at minimum, three snowmobile suits.

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If you have ever looked closely at the mugshot accompanying this column or seen me in person wandering around the freezer aisle at the grocery store, you will understand why I am reluctant to do anything naked, including showering and taking a bath.

It’s not that I’m overly prudish; it’s more that, with each passing day, I look more and more like the love child of Jabba the Hutt and a sea cow, only with considerably more wrinkles.

A few years ago, for instance, I took part in Vancouver’s annual New Year’s Day Polar Bear Swim — for the record, everyone wore bathing suits — and my own mother looked at my pasty, shivering body and chirped: "Maybe you should think about putting on a shirt."

The important fashion point I am making today is that, as a general rule, I do not like to appear in public unless I am wearing, at minimum, three snowmobile suits.

But today, I am throwing this outdated attitude — along with all my clothing — out the window, because today, Saturday, July 14, is a special day on the calendar for people whose main hobby involves engaging in activities without their clothes on.

As some of you have already deduced, today is — prepare to feel totally liberated and somewhat chilly — National Nude Day, the one day on the calendar where you are expected to celebrate in any way you want, provided you do it without the benefit of pants.

I know what you are thinking — and shame on you — but I am definitely not making this day up.

According to NationalDayCalendar.com: "National Nude Day is a way to keep cool on a hot, sticky summer day. Nudist groups around the world celebrate this holiday and take it quite seriously! Nudists are not perverts, even though their desire to go ‘au naturel’ might be offensive to the conservative population! Nudists are individuals who believe the human body is most beautiful in its natural state. Whether or not you agree with them, nudists encourage people to shed the restrictions of clothing and be natural."

I understand some of you might not know exactly what to do without your clothes on, which is why today I am presenting the following entertaining and informative list of 15 Incredibly Stupid Things To Do While Naked:

● Attend a movie, such as Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. You can arrive with your clothes on, then boldly strut out wearing only an extra-large tub of popcorn, which won’t be hard to squeeze into because that movie-theatre butter is extremely slippery;

● Order a pizza, which you can do in the privacy of your own home, but you can indicate in the pizza place’s online comment section that you are, in fact, ordering a large pepperoni with mushrooms while naked;

● Eat that pizza without your clothes on, which sounds simple but poses two extreme hazards: 1) You could drip insanely hot molten cheese on your medically sensitive parts; and 2) Unless you have an extremely wide letter slot in your door, you will have to pay the delivery guy in your birthday suit and he may not like watching you whip out your credit card;

● Go to a Blue Bombers football game in November, which will definitely frost your pumpkins, but none of the other crazed fans will notice because they will assume your ice-blue skin is just one of these ultra-stretchy super-fan costumes;

● Pull your old bike out of the garage and stand beside it, backwards and completely motionless, to see whether passers-by mistake you for a bike rack;

● Sit at your computer and Google "things to do naked," which will yield a whopping 412,000,000 results in 0.24 seconds, which will cause you to feel as if humanity is standing at the abyss — without wearing pants, of course;

● Hop in your car and drive to the nearest U.S. border crossing wearing nothing but a "Make America Great Again" ball cap, and if the guards give you any grief, give them a buff salute and start singing The Star-Spangled Banner;

● Go outside and cut the grass, because I guarantee your neighbours will not come over and ask to borrow your lawn mower;

● It’s summer, so head out in the backyard, fire up the barbecue and make enough burgers and hotdogs to feed the neighbourhood. Everything will be fine, provided you do not lean too far over the grill. Since you are not allowed to wear an apron, write the phrase "Kiss the Cook" on your chest with a felt pen;

● If someone knocks on your front door, open it in the buff, which could get you arrested, but will be worth it because you will never again be bothered by someone trying to (a) recruit you into a strange religion; or (b) sell you cookies;

● Prove how tough you are by sitting in a car with leather or vinyl seats after it has been parked in the hot sun for at least 12 hours. If a police officer demands to know what you are doing, tell him: "But, officer, I’m Spider-Man and I’ve got to get to the dry cleaner to pick up my costume."

● Just wander around the house naked, because the look of absolute horror and disgust on your children’s faces will be a memory you can treasure for the rest of your life;

● Give a boring speech and try to imagine your audience naked while they try to imagine you wearing clothes;

● Remember that, along with National Nude Day, today is also National Tape Measure Day, so it’s the perfect time to see if you measure up;

● Explain to the judge that you normally never do anything naked, but some jerk newspaper columnist told you it was your democratic right and now you feel like a perfect you-know-what.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Doug Speirs

Doug Speirs
Columnist

Doug has held almost every job at the newspaper — reporter, city editor, night editor, tour guide, hand model — and his colleagues are confident he’ll eventually find something he is good at.

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