Canine connoisseurs on tap

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/04/2021 (1872 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

To: Busch Beer

From: A Canadian dog owner

Re: A career for my canines

Dear Busch Beer: I am writing you today on behalf of my two dogs, Bogey and Juno, partly because they can’t write to you themselves because their lack of opposable thumbs makes it tough to use the computer keyboard, but mostly because I want to send you their resumes.

What I’m trying to say is that my two dogs, who are currently unemployed, are the ideal canine candidates for the position you have just created — CTO (Chief Tasting Officer) for your new bone-broth-based Busch Dog Brew.

My city editor was kind enough to send me a news report describing the contest you are currently holding, wherein the dog(s) selected as chief tasting officer — a sort of four-legged brand ambassador — will receive $20,000, 10 four-packs of your canine-friendly, non-alcoholic dog beer and an $800 pre-paid card to buy pet insurance.

Right out of the gate (so to speak) allow me to assure you that my dogs would not demand separate salaries, as they would be more than happy to split the $20,000, which would be more than enough to keep them in nutritious snacks and squeaky toys for the rest of the calendar year.

Allow me to assure you that my two dogs have discerning palates for the taste-testing aspects of the job and are uniquely qualified to become members of your senior leadership team. I would find it difficult being a big-shot newspaper columnist if Bogey and Juno were not valued members of my writing team, wherein I do the actual writing and the dogs sleep under my computer desk and emit potentially toxic fumes.

Teamwork aside, my dogs have many qualifications for the position of Chief Tasting Officer, especially their attention to detail. Whenever I obtain a snack to consume on the couch in our den, both dogs will stare at me with laser-like intensity for as long as it takes to shatter my resolve and obtain a portion of whatever I am trying to stuff into my mouth.

In keeping with your contest rules, I will post a photo of my dogs on social media along with their qualifications and the hashtag #BuschCTOcontest before April 28.

I can assure you that my dogs and I are totally committed to landing them a spot on your team, so much so that earlier this week I visited our neighbourhood liquor store and plunked down $25 for a case of Busch Beer simply because we needed it as a prop for a photo that would highlight how much my dogs love your brand of suds, which is brewed on our side of the border by Labatt Brewing, a beloved Canadian icon.

You should also know that there is zero chance that I can persuade my newspaper to cover the cost of a case of beer for my dogs, so if that is not commitment, then I don’t know what is.

When I contacted your PR spokesman Jonathan Schneider in New York City to ask if he could help my dogs get “a leg up” in the contest, he sadly informed me the competition is not currently open to Canadian dogs and their owners, which I found shocking, considering Canada-U.S. relations have improved dramatically under your new president.

If it helps, you should know that, despite what your last president said, Canada was not responsible for burning down the White House in 1814, as part of the War of 1812. No, that was the British, who tried to run things up here until we became a nation in 1867.

Anyway, Jonathan assured me he would put in a good word for Canada (and hopefully my dogs). He also said your dog suds is healthy for canine consumers. “Busch Dog Brew is all natural and made with vegetables, herbs, spices, water, and pork broth to provide your best buddy with a nutritious and tasty snack that helps to promote a healthy digestive system. Bone broth is also a great way for dogs who struggle to eat solid food to get all of their extra nutrients,” he told me via email.

I gather your first batch of this alcohol-free canine concoction sold out last year in 24 hours and you are hoping to make an even bigger splash in 2021.

Which is why you need a pair of Canadian canines to keep you on track. What we are talking about here are two thirsty dogs from Winnipeg, which is kind of the Milwaukee of Canada in the sense that we are hard-working, beer-drinking Prairie folks who can tell the difference between a lager and a pilsner by smell alone.

I don’t wish to brag, Busch Beer, but my dogs and I have a long history of promoting the intrinsic values of drinking beer. Many years ago, I wrote a column about how beer was probably our best shot at achieving world peace.

Which prompted the nice folks who make Canada’s famous Moosehead Lager to send me several cases of their excellent product along with a couple of very cool golf shirts. It’s not that we are looking for free stuff, although, for the record, I wear an XXL and my dogs are size small.

In closing, Canadians are loyal, reliable, dependable, faithful, trustworthy, humble, tolerant, and kind to strangers. And our dogs are even better, so you should definitely crack a cold one and welcome my two crackerjack canines to your pack.

I promise they will NEVER drink on the job, because they can’t use their paws to open the pull-tabs on your cans.

Faithfully yours,

Doug “Who’s a thirsty boy?” Speirs