Congrats, Premier (insert name here)

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/09/2019 (2603 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

In keeping with tradition, today, I would like to present you with an informative, thoughtful, in-depth analysis of the results of Tuesday night’s provincial election.

That’s what I’d like to do, but there’s one slight snag — technically speaking, I do not have a clue what the results of Tuesday night’s election are.

This, of course, is not my fault.

In keeping with tradition — and with the exceptionally tight deadlines for this section of the newspaper — I am being forced to write this informative, thoughtful analysis in the middle of the afternoon, while the polls are still open.

(Also, I planned to spend election night lying on the couch in my den, watching my favourite shows on Netflix while simultaneously eating a family-sized bag of taco chips, so there’s that.)

Look, I know exactly what you are thinking.

You are thinking: “Gee, Doug, I am not a crusading newspaper columnist like yourself, but is it acceptable, journalistically speaking, to analyze election results without actually knowing what the election results are?”

Ha-ha-ha! Forgive my maniacal laughter, but — and this comes directly from my heart — you know nothing about modern journalism.

We modern media persons do not need to know what has happened before we dissect it with our powerful journalistic brains.

If we only analyzed events that had already taken place, there would be far less long-winded media analysis in the world, and that would be an unforgivable crime against humanity.

No, the important thing for us modern media analysts — and I mean the really critical thing — is that we get our opinions to you first.

Think of it like this: if our opinions were sports cars, they might never win a single race, but they would get a lot of speeding tickets after going through red-light cameras, if you catch my drift.

It’s not that we modern media analysts don’t care about being right.

I don’t wish to brag, but we are almost always right about the big stuff, such as when the election was held and who wore the nicest suit.

But yes, sometimes we are a tiny bit off the mark when it comes to the less-important details, such as who actually won the election.

Please, do not feel the need to thank us. We are simply doing our part to preserve democracy as we know it.

OK, now it’s time to cut to the thrust of my gist, so to speak.

Had I been watching the election results last night, I think the thing that would have struck me is that the big winner, the party that will lead this province through an economic and social minefield to a bright and shiny future, is the one that most of us — or at least a majority of us — voted for.

I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I see it.

The sad reality is that we all have a pretty good idea what happened in last night’s election, even if we did not bother to pay attention because we were far too busy watching the new season of Derry Girls on Netflix.

I think my feelings about the results of the vote are best summed up by the following political poem, which I just made up: “Brian Pallister’s Tories did it again / But it definitely wasn’t a squeaker / Probably because of all those write-in votes / That were mailed from Costa Rica.”

I know some of you are complaining that “squeaker” and “Costa Rica” don’t really rhyme, but allow me to say this: get your own (bad word) column.

And while we are on the subject of poetry, here is another gem I feel obligated to offer to Manitoba’s main opposition parties: “Wab Kinew and Dougald Lamont / I will not do your bidding / But if I’m wrong about the election results / You should know I was only kidding!”

Poetry aside, there sure were some thrilling, edge-of-your-seat moments in last night’s vote.

I found it hard to breathe as, hour by hour, we watched partial results become full results.

And I’ll bet everyone laughed when that one victorious suit-wearing candidate said he was not really a politician, but just a regular person who, quote, “is going to do politics differently.”

In hindsight, the main point I want to make is — and I’m reasonably sure about this point — the election is now over.

That is a good thing in the sense that many of us are tired of having people knocking on our doors because they want to explain the inner workings of health-care reorganization.

Do you know what I am not going to miss about this election?

I would be happy to tell you. I am not going to miss those endless political attacks on TV, the ones wherein one party would claim that the leader of the other party believes the Earth is flat and was most likely the second gunman in the JFK assassination.

Anyway, from the perspective of someone who does not have a clue about what happened Tuesday night, I hope this provides you with a better understanding of what I suspect probably happened Tuesday night.

And guess what?

We get to do this all over again, because the federal election campaign starts Wednesday.

On your behalf, I plan to write a thought-provoking analysis of that campaign — right after I buy another bag of taco chips and finish binge-watching the final season of Game of Thrones.

And some people think journalism is easy.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca