Go ahead, blame it on the machine in Europe

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/09/2018 (2871 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I’m ashamed to admit this, but it happens to me all the (bad word) time.

The latest incident occurred last week when I trundled down to Mona Lisa Ristorante on Corydon Avenue for yet another battle in our summer bocce league.

After being handed another stinging defeat, my teammates and I drowned our sorrows in pizza and deep-fried mushrooms.

Later, my swollen belly and I waddled out to the parking lot, where (Gasp!) I made a shocking discovery — I couldn’t get into or start my car, because my stupidly expensive electronic key fob was missing.

“GAK!” I grunted, or something much like that. “Where the (extremely bad word) did I leave my keys?”

Not sure what else to do, I trudged back into the restaurant, returned to our crumb-laden table and began rooting around, which is when (Hurray!) I found my missing keys hidden under a dirty napkin.

I do not know about you, but this sort of thing happens to me on an almost daily basis. I will suddenly discover that, even with a Geiger counter, I cannot locate my eyeglasses (usually on top of my head), the TV remote control (sometimes under the couch cushions) or my oversized iPhone (typically in a jacket in the closet).

I once lost my wallet, along with all my ID and credit cards, because I slapped it on top of the car and then drove away, causing my wallet to blow off onto a nearby boulevard, where a Good Samaritan found it and returned it to me.

The point I am making is that I put a lot of stuff down and then can’t remember where the (yes, another bad word) I put it.

Q: Why does this happen to me all the time?

A: Do you really want to know, Doug?

Q: Um, yes.

A: OK, it happens because you are what science refers to as a “regular guy,” which means you are basically a borderline idiot, which explains why you have to scream for your wife’s assistance because you are unable to find the mustard container, even though you are 100 per cent convinced that you stuck it on the second shelf of the fridge right behind the mayonnaise.

Ha ha ha! Thank you for that helpful scientific explanation. Normally, I would agree with you, but not today.

Q: And why is that?

A: Because today, Monday, Sept. 10, just happens to be a special day.

Q: You mean it’s the 253rd day of the year, the day when, in 1939, Canada declared war on Nazi Germany, the day, in 1547, they fought the Battle of Pinkie Cleugh, the last full-scale military confrontation between England and Scotland?

A: No! Today is special because this is — you will think I am joking, but I could not be more serious — International Blame It on the Large Hadron Collider Day.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Huh?” Allow me to explain. It was on this day, exactly 10 years ago, that the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) fired up the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s largest and most powerful particle accelerator, the most complex experimental facility ever built, and the largest single machine in the world.

This massive thing lies in a tunnel 28 kilometres in circumference and as deep as 175 metres beneath the France-Switzerland border, just outside Geneva.

The way it works is protons, which are something you probably heard about in chemistry class, come from a tank of helium gas and are accelerated to the speed of light while being directed in two beams down the circular track, and a huge amount of energy is released when the protons collide, which allows scientists to test the Big Bang Theory (the beginning of the universe as opposed to the TV show) and other important stuff.

The important thing is that for the past 10 years, on Sept. 10, the world has celebrated the day the collider was fired up because it allows guys like me to blame a faceless machine whenever we lose important items, such as our car keys or sense of dignity.

But you don’t have to take my word for it. According to the holiday website Checkiday.com: “Blame It on the Large Hadron Collider Day was created in 2008 to shift blame for losing things from the people who actually lost them, to the Large Hadron Collider. The Large Hadron Collider probably has your car keys, your missing socks, and your rent money, perhaps sucked into a black hole.”

I know that some of you — and by “some of you” I mean female readers — are likely suspicious of the notion that a really huge particle accelerator in Switzerland could be to blame for your husband’s inability to find his lucky underpants, but let me ask you this: are you a (very bad word) nuclear scientist?

No, you are not a nuclear scientist, so stop blaming your husband, because obviously this famously expensive scientific thing that no one really understands has been secretly snitching our most precious items and storing them underground in the name of scientific research.

It’s the only explanation that makes sense, because I know for a fact that I left my ballpoint pen on the desk beside my computer and now it has vanished into thin air.

Explains Checkiday.com: “So why would the Large Hadron Collider be given blame? Perhaps it is because of its size — there is a lot of room for things to get lost in a machine that is 18 miles (28 kilometres) in circumference… Spend the day blaming the Large Hadron Collider whenever something goes wrong, particularly if you can’t find one of your items. It’s likely your item was stolen by the LHC and is now inside of it, or a black hole it created. In order to get your item back, perhaps you could visit the LHC, at the CERN headquarters in Switzerland.”

The important thing, guys, is that we stop blaming ourselves when we can’t find our stuff, and start blaming some evil inanimate device tucked away in a dark tunnel in Europe.

Just in case you’re interested, today also happens to be National TV Dinner Day, and I plan to celebrate that as soon as I get back from Switzerland, because I can’t drive to the supermarket without my car keys.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca