Hug me, hug me, hug me… I’m a newsperson

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/04/2018 (3036 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

If you see me standing around in the cookie aisle in the grocery store today, you might want to wander over, wrap your arms around me, and squeeze as if you were a giant squid using your tentacles to crush a nuclear submarine.

Before you get the wrong idea and assume this is some creepy effort to canoodle amid the Oreos and Fig Newtons, allow me to point out that today, April 4, is (prepare to be simultaneously confused and excited) National Hug a Newsperson Day.

I want to stress that I am not joking about this day, which, from everything I have read and seen online, has been celebrated for quite a few years, although no one seems to know how it got started.

“Warm up those hugging muscles, because on April 4, we’re showing our appreciation for newspeople in a big way,” chirps the website NationalToday.com. “That’s right, we’re psyched to celebrate National Hug a Newsperson Day!

“This is the day we give huge shout outs to everyone who helps us stay updated — from major anchors like Anderson Cooper to that weather guy who correctly pronounced Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch without skipping a beat. (Look it up—it’s amazing. He deserves the biggest hug of all.)”

If you were wondering why anyone would want to hug their local newsperson, including crusading newspaper columnists with naturally curly hair, NationalToday.com offers some pretty solid reasons.

“We love them all, from the writers that make us look forward to reading their articles to the news anchors who are entertaining (or cute) enough to make us want to tune in every week. They all deserve hugs!” the website gushes with hard-to-resist logic.

“These people sacrifice all of their free time so we can stay informed. We appreciate their effort and commitment to the news, and think it deserves to be commemorated… Newspeople put aside their personal opinions and report on the news impartially, so that people on both sides of the aisle can stay informed. It takes maturity and intelligence to put aside your personal opinions to show both sides of an issue — even if you think one side is completely wrong.”

So I think we can all agree that us professional newspersons are deserving of a day wherein random people show their appreciation for our journalistic efforts by staggering toward us like Frankenstein’s monster, then wrapping us up in gigantic bear hugs.

I hate to throw cold water on anyone’s parade, so to speak, but allow me to inject a note of caution into today’s well-deserved hugfest.

Given the current social and political climate, wherein we are awash with daily accusations of sexual harassment, randomly dispensing hugs to local newspersons might be somewhat similar to strolling through a minefield without a map.

I personally always have been a big-time hugger but, surprisingly, not everyone agrees with that approach. For instance, in researching today’s column, I approached my editor — whom we’ll call Scott, because that’s his name — and asked whether he would like me to hug him.

He reacted in the way movie vampires do when someone approaches them brandishing a cross and a wooden stake. “No!” Scott grumbled. “I’m good. I’m NOT a hugger!”

For those of you who want to celebrate today, the first question is this: What sort of newsperson do I want to hug? Not all newspersons are created equal, if you want the truth.

We newspaper newspersons are probably the least huggable of the lot in the sense that we are (a) perpetually cranky; (b) aware that most people are not happy when we show up; and (c) look as if we dressed in the dark and our hair was styled by angry chimpanzees.

Radio newspersons are probably a step up in the sense they have much sexier voices than those of us in the newspaper industry, but they can be hard to recognize unless you can match their faces to their sultry tones.

For most non-newspersons, TV newspersons are the most desirable hugging targets because (duh!) they appear on TV, have fabulous hair and apparently get their flashy clothes for free from stores in the local mall, or at least that’s what I’ve heard.

Q: Gee, Doug, how should I go about trying to hug a TV newsperson?

A: Well, I suppose you could hang around outside the station and, when a security guard asked what you were up to, you could reply: “I’m just waiting to hug (name of famous TV newsperson goes here).”

Q: Would that work?

A: Well, at the bare minimum, they’d lock you up with a bunch of people who would be willing to hug you for free.

Out of journalistic curiosity, I watched an online video celebrating Hug a Newsperson Day wherein Gary the Unicorn, one of the lovable puppet stars of CBC Kids, dispensed hugs to assorted personalities, including now-retired anchor Peter Mansbridge.

In the video, Gary the Unicorn hid in Mansbridge’s office overnight, which earned him a swell hug but would most likely land the rest of us behind bars. I also watched Gary get a major squeeze from Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

“I’m never gonna wash my sweater again,” the fuzzy unicorn gushed.

For safety reasons, you should be extremely careful about who or what you hug today. You might want to start by squeezing the nearest Coca-Cola vending machine. You’ll think I’m kidding, but back in 2012 the company started rolling out machines that dispense free Cokes in exchange for a firm embrace.

Seriously, the machines, which have the words “Hug Me” written on the front in Coke’s signature font, are equipped with special sensors and unleash a can of pop when given a little love.

On the other hand, the safest thing might just be to wander over to me in the grocery store and give me a firm handshake. Sadly, no matter how hard you squeeze, I’m not giving you a free Coke.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca