Man’s (loudest) best friend

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/10/2018 (2838 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I hate to say this, but it has become apparent my dogs are not doing their part to defend the public’s right to know about vital issues in the upcoming civic election.

This sad state of affairs dawned on me a few days ago as I lay on the couch in our den, staring up at our big-screen TV and trying to use my Jedi mind-control powers to change channels.

Suddenly, and without warning, our newest dog, Juno, who was perched on the back of the living room couch, staring out the picture window, began barking at the top of her lungs, which caused the other little white dog, Bogey, to begin barking at the top of his lungs. That woke up our miniature wiener dog, Zoe, and caused her to add her shrill voice to the canine choir.

It was essentially a barking chain of the sort featured in the Disney animated movie 101 Dalmatians, wherein one barking dog activates another barking dog, which activates even more barking dogs, until every human being in the immediate vicinity is bleeding from the ears.

In our house — and I am sure it is the same in yours — the dogs only bark on three distinct occasions, namely:

• When there is someone at the door;

• When there is no one at the door;

• When they are in a house with doors.

Unlike much-quieter big dogs, our three pint-sized pets are capable of emitting up to 3,200 barks per minute, yips so shrill and high-pitched they are able to bore through the heat shields of the space shuttle in under a second. You can imagine what damage they can do to the human brain.

Based on the intensity of their barks that day, it was obvious there was someone at our front door, so I did what any guy like me would do in that situation — I yelled for my wife.

“HONEY, THERE’S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR!” I shrieked.

“BARK! BARK! BARK!” all three dogs replied.

Fortunately, my wife, who must have extrasensory perception, also sensed there was someone at the door. She pulled it open and was greeted by a civic election candidate.

At least, we assume it was a civic election candidate, because this woman had a hopeful expression on her face and was toting handfuls of pamphlets.

“Hello,” the candidate chirped, “I’m… “

Which is when the dogs, overcome by their passion for democracy, went ballistic. “BARK! BARK! BARK!” they screeched, their piercing doggie voices ratcheted up to maximum volume and irritation.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t…,” my wife started to say, when the dogs unleashed another cacophony — “BARK! BARK! BARK! ETC!” — to convey the concept that they believed an evil person was brazenly menacing our home and needed to be barked at.

“I said I’m…,” the candidate bravely started to say, but it was futile because it was impossible to make out the rest of her words over the symphony of non-stop canine cursing.

My wife attempted to tell our dogs to be quiet, but that was as effective as telling the sun not to shine or asking U.S. President Donald Trump not to post idiotic tweets. “Sorry,” she finally said to the woman at the door, “maybe you could just leave us a pamphlet.”

So, that’s what the candidate did, before happily scooting back up the driveway and knocking on the door of our neighbour, who only has one small dog. It’s possible their discussion of election issues could be detected by the human ear.

What with being a responsible dog owner, I am not complaining. Extremely vocal small dogs are a valuable asset to any democratic nation in the sense they can be used as a tool to safeguard national security from the forces of evil, as we see from the following espionage incident that I just made up:

Interrogator: “Where did you hide the microfilm?”

Foreign spy: “I’ll never talk!”

Interrogator: “We’ll see about that… (turning to his assistant)… bring in the small dogs.”

Small dogs (in unison): “YIP! YIP!”

Foreign spy: “STOP! It’s in a secret compartment in the heel of my shoe.”

The point is, we need to respect the role pint-sized pets play in keeping us safe. What with owning three small dogs that bark every time a leaf falls off a tree in our yard, I am used to their high-pitched yelping. In fact, they have become a vital part of my journalistic team, helping me write pithy columns much as Shakespeare’s team of dogs inspired him, as we can see from this famous dialogue from Act III, Scene I of Hamlet:

Hamlet: “To be or not to be, that is the question.”

Laertes: “Woof!”

Hamlet: “Methinks thou doth protest too much, Laertes!”

If I am honest, I do wish my dogs were more interested in civic election issues, or were at least willing to listen to what door-knocking candidates have to say.

I personally have a lot more to say on this topic, but we can’t talk right now, because there is definitely someone at our front door.

Or not.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca