Mice fail to roar in pumpkin carving fest

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This article was published 28/10/2017 (3193 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

An optimist whose name escapes me once famously said: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”

It’s a lovely, upbeat sentiment, but I prefer a slightly modified version: “When life gives you a house full of mice, make a potentially award-winning jack-o’-lantern for charity.”

Which is exactly what I did Thursday in centre court at Kildonan Place Shopping Centre, where I competed in Carving for a Cause, the mall’s annual celebrity pumpkin-carving contest.

Prepare to be impressed, because this marked the ninth consecutive year I have done battle in the mall’s gourd throwdown, wherein we media personalities are given an hour to whip up state-of-the-art jack’-o-lanterns in support of our favourite charities.

Every (bad word) year, I arrive at the mall, butcher knife tucked discreetly into my gym bag, determined to cover myself in pumpkin guts and glory.

And every (bad word) year, I slink out of the mall a beaten man, the stench of defeat wafting from my sweat-stained golf shirt.

The basic problem is that, because I always carve for the Winnipeg Humane Society, I have typically whipped up cute jack-o’-lanterns meant to resemble one of my dogs.

Last year, in a bold break with tradition, I tried to win the judges over by carving a Trumpkin, a gourd with the clench-fisted face and eerie orange skin of U.S. President Donald Trump.

I even coughed up $20 for a “billionaire wig” to ensure my pumpkin had Trump’s trademark hairstyle, but it was all in vain, because while Trump rolled on to the White House, my jack-o’-lantern faded into obscurity.

This year, I had a brilliant idea — I would carve something pulled from my own life, something that would touch the hearts and souls of the judging panel, which in previous years has only given me a cash award (this is true) for the fact I perspire more heavily than any other carver in the contest.

This year, I turned a pumpkin into “Doug’s Mouse House,” a jack-o’-lantern designed to pay homage to a rogue rodent that has made my life a living hell for the past month, thumbing its pointy nose at everything I have thrown at it, including snap traps, glue boards, poison, kitchen brooms and a professional exterminator.

The first thing I did Thursday was scoop the guts out of my gourd, a demanding physical activity that caused me to sweat so profusely that I almost flooded low-lying boutiques in the mall.

Next, I used my butcher knife to carve a series of mouse holes in the pumpkin, which I then decorated with approximately $40 worth of plastic mice that I obtained after driving halfway around the city the night before the contest.

What we are talking about here are a pair of rat-sized rodents and three containers of fake mice that were split in half, with each half armed with a tiny skewer, which allows you to plunge it into the pumpkin’s skin, making it look as if toothy rodents are chewing into, or out of, your jack-o’-lantern.

As a bit of added flair, I also stuck two snap traps into my pumpkin, and attached a sign reading “Doug’s Mouse House” in case anyone failed to comprehend the symbolism of my masterpiece.

We all got $100 for our charity just for competing, but the mall also handed out $100 prizes in six other categories, namely:

1. Cutest pumpkin — won by Now Country 104.7 FM for their fall-themed gourd, from which spilled smaller kitten pumpkins;

2. Best interactive pumpkin — won by CKJS for their karaoke pumpkin, which allowed shoppers to use a microphone and a cellphone to sing pop hits;

3. The Synergy Award for best tie-in with a charity — won by Team Patients First for a patient pumpkin receiving a transfusion of pumpkin-pie filling;

4. Scariest pumpkin — won by the Filipino Journal for a jack-o’-lantern carved in the likeness of Pennywise, the terrifying child-eating clown from the hit film It.

5. The Inner Beauty Award — won by 92.1 CITI FM for a pumpkin diorama featuring a skeleton patting a puppy;

6. Most creative pumpkin — won by NCI FM for a split-personality pumpkin inspired by a local school’s plan to skip Halloween celebrations in favour of “scarf and tie” day.

“I feel happy. I had some doubts,” NCI’s Jordan Knight chirped after picking up the most-creative award for a pumpkin that was divided in two, with half featuring a men’s tie and healthy treats, and half featuring unhealthy Halloween goodies.

“This is where art imitates life. It’s just for fun and we need to teach kids not to be so fearful.”

So I was shut out of the special awards, but the mall is posting photos of our jack-o’-lanterns on its Facebook page (facebook.com/kildonanplace) and the one that gets the most “likes” by 10 p.m. on Halloween night earns another $500 for their charity.

They’re also kicking in 10 cents for every “like” our pumpkins get on Facebook, which means I desperately need the help of hip social-media users if I am going to win big bucks for the puppies and kitties at the humane society.

For what it’s worth, mall marketing manager Corey Quintaine said my Mouse House might be even scarier than last year’s Trumpkin.

“I love the fact it comes from real life and it’s a reflection of your reality,” Corey told me. “I have a couple of cats at home if you need a little help with that.”

So start voting for my Mouse House, kids, because with your online help, I might just squeak to victory this year, and pardon me for trying to be cheesy.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca