New iPhone never forgets a face

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/09/2017 (3225 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Technology is a wonderful thing, especially if you happen to be a technician.

On the other hand, if you happen to be a crotchety newspaper columnist who attempts to change channels on his TV using only Jedi mind-control powers, technology can be the bane of your (bad word) existence.

Take smartphones, for instance. And, please, take mine. You’d be doing me a favour. I currently have an Apple iPhone 6 Plus, which is essentially a normal smartphone on steroids.

This thing is so massive that when I stick it in my pocket it looks as if I’m attempting to smuggle a wide-screen TV in my pants, which is not a good fashion statement at the best of times.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my phone. I love the fact it’s so big that, if there were a flash flood in my neighbourhood, I’d be able to use my phone as a flotation device, or possibly a raft. Also, its screen is bigger than the ones you will find in some of the movieplexes that have been carved up into 20 bite-sized theatres.

Still, I have been having trouble with some of my phone’s high-tech features, such as the feature wherein you are supposed to be able to use your phone to place a call to another human being.

To give you a sense of the extent of this problem, here is an accurate transcript of a phone conversation I had with one of my editors the other day:

Me: “Hello.”

My editor: “Hello.”

Me: “Hi, it’s Doug, blah blah blah…”

My editor: “Hello.”

Me: “Hi, I was just saying blah blah…”

My editor (hanging up): “Click!”

So I am thinking I may upgrade my phone to something even bigger and fancier, such as the new US$999 iPhone X, a special edition phone that Apple rolled out in a splashy ceremony last week to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the iPhone.

As most of you are already aware, unless you have spent the past week hiding in a drainpipe with poor Wi-Fi reception, Apple says the iPhone X is, quote, “the biggest leap forward since the original iPhone.”

The coolest thing about this special-edition phone is that you no longer have to go to all the trouble of unlocking it with your thumb. Is that exciting, or what? I mean how annoying was it that, with the older phones, you had to press the home button with your thumb so it would recognize your fingerprint.

Instead, the iPhone X, the most expensive iPhone ever, allows you to unlock it with (cue eerie music) your face. Seriously, you have to use your face to unlock your phone.

It features special facial-recognition technology called Face ID, making it the first Apple product that can recognize you by your face as opposed to your thumb.

You just glance at the phone, and it illuminates your face, making it ready for an infrared camera to identify it, even in the dark, then a neural engine processes the image in real time, having been built specifically to mathematically map the shape and contours of your face.

I mean, how cool is that? “Your face is now your password. Face ID is a secure new way to unlock, authenticate and pay,” Apple chirps on its website. “Face ID is enabled by the TrueDepth camera and is simple to set up. It projects and analyzes more than 30,000 invisible dots to create a precise depth map of your face.”

Using your (bad word) face to unlock your cellphone? Seriously, what could go wrong?

Well, for starters, I’m thinking it will become impossible for standard guys of my particular gender to surreptitiously check sports scores on their phones when out on dinner dates with their beloved because now, instead of casually using their thumbs, guys will be physically forced to stick their entire head under the table.

Your beloved: “Honey, what are you doing under the table?”

You (shouting): “I’M JUST LOOKING FOR MY FORK, SWEETIE!”

Your beloved: “Then why can I hear the hockey game under there?”

You: “Hockey? Um, did I mention how much I love you?”

Other problems come to mind, also. For instance, I can imagine a scenario wherein someone (this would definitely not be me) could sneak into George Clooney’s house, steal George Clooney’s iPhone, then gain access to George Clooney’s personal data simply by forcing his phone to look at a picture of George Clooney’s beaming face on the cover of People magazine.

I can hear my wife now: “You won’t believe it, pumpkin, but I’ve been getting some creepy personal messages from George Clooney.”

In the old days, if bad guys wanted access to your stolen phone, they would just cut off your thumb. Today, what with facial-recognition technology, that surgery might be a bit more severe, if you catch my subtle drift.

Also, like most people, I have more than one face. For instance, in the morning, moments after I roll out of bed, before I’ve had time to consume a pot of coffee, my puffy, pasty facial features resemble those of Quasimodo, the fictional bell-ringer from Victor Hugo’s classic novel, The Hunchback of Notre-Dame.

Apple says it won’t happen, but I’d be concerned my state-of-the-art iPhone X wouldn’t recognize my scowling early-morning mug.

“I don’t know who you are, stranger,” this futuristic phone would sniff, “but your face definitely rings a bell.”

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca