Our accent is sexy? Get out (not oot), eh?

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/01/2018 (3095 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Forget the way we dominate the world in ice hockey, or our abundant supplies of top-notch maple syrup or our legendary politeness, because I have just stumbled on another reason for people from other countries to be insanely jealous of Canadians.

It turns out that the sultry sound of a Canadian voice is enough to cause persons from other nations to swoon in the amorous sense of the word, if you catch my extremely sexy journalistic drift.

Get ready to walk a little taller and feel a little prouder, Canuck readers, because a new poll by Ranker.com — where social-media users are encouraged to “vote on everything” — says the humble Canadian accent is among the top 10 sexiest accents in the world.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Huh? Canadians have accents? Who knew?”

Well, according to Ranker.com, not only do Canadians have accents, but it is so (bad word) sexy that it causes normally sane human beings from other lands to transform into quivering puddles of goo, but in a good way.

The sexy rankings change daily depending on how many people have voted, but when I checked in Friday morning, Ranker had the Canadian version of English in the No. 5 spot, being marginally less sexy than Irish-style English (No. 1), Australian/New Zealand-style English (No. 2), French (No. 3), and U.K./Queen’s-style English (No.4)

Rounding out the Top 10 sexy accents are: Spanish (No. 6), Italian (No. 7), Swedish (No. 8), Scottish-style English (No. 9, although I am sure this must be some kind of statistical error in the sense that, other than our own brooding dialect, there is nothing sexier than trilling of the ‘r’ in a Scottish burr), and “Other Scandinavian Areas,” including Finland, Norway and Denmark (No. 10).

Without doing any actual research, I am sure Ranker.com’s poll was done in a highly scientific and unbiased manner, which means we normally polite Canadians should be doing the Sensuous Dance of Joy to show our delight at having the extreme sexiness of our accent validated.

I personally am not surprised. Consider the following fictional examples I have just made up, starting with a scenario wherein someone with a standard non-sexy North American accent attempts to woo a person of the extreme opposite sex in a cheesy watering hole.

Man: “Hello, would you like to come back to my place?”

Woman: “Ewwwww! The sound of your voice makes me want to throw up in my mouth. Please go away.”

Now let’s eavesdrop on a fully-functioning Canadian male, armed with the World’s No. 5 Sexy Accent, engaged in the same sort of provocative wordplay.

Canuck guy: “Hello, would you like to come back to my place, eh?”

Woman (heaving a sigh): “Ooooh! I’m not sure why, but your sultry and sophisticated words are causing me to melt, much like a large pat of creamy Canadian butter on a waffle fresh from the toaster. Kiss me now, you brazen Canadian fool!”

So we can see, in a scientific manner, that, yes, there is something incredibly compelling about words that emanate from a mouth that was raised and/or trained in the Great White North.

I know that whenever I speak to people who do not understand English, they will always scrunch their faces up and look at me in a confused manner, which I am pretty sure is their way of conveying the notion that my Canadian accent is causing them to experience a strange tingling in their medically sensitive areas.

Let’s look at another example to see how much more aroused you, the newspaper reader, becomes when listening to a highly amorous Canadian accent compared with a standard non-libidinous accent.

Boring guy: “Excuse me, but may I have a napkin, because I spilled beer on your couch?”

Sexy Canadian guy: “Sorry, eh, but do you have, like, a serviette, because I spilled my two-four on your chesterfield, eh?”

There, see how much more amorous you are feeling after reading that second sentence? I should apologize for not prefacing it with the following warning: “Please do not read this intensely Canadian sentence unless you are over the age of 18, accompanied by a legal guardian, and have access to a steady supply of poutine topped with back bacon. You’re welcome!”

Speaking of Americans, who have non-sexy accents — Dear God, they say “zee” instead of “zed” — I become filled with righteous indignation over their pitiful attempts to mock Canadian accents. As you already know, ugly Americans insist that, in Canada, words with an “ou” sound are typically pronounced “oo.” For example, consider the following confrontation, which most of us have experienced:

Canadian: “Hi, I’m Bob.”

American: “Ha ha ha! You said boob! Boob, boob, boob!”

Canadian: “No, I said I’m Bob.”

American: “Now say out.”

Canadian: “Out.”

American (laughing maniacally): “Ha ha ha! You said oot. Now say oot and aboot the hoose! You Canadians slay me. Git oot, eh?”

Canadian (pulling a handgun and aiming): “I’m sorry, but I have no choice. No Canadian court will convict me. (Sound of gunfire).”

As sexy as the regular Canadian accent obviously is, it is not nearly as arousing as the dialect commonly spoken in Newfoundland.

Not many of us would get too excited when someone asks “How are you, my friend?” But notice how your pulse quickens and your heart pounds like a heavy-metal drummer when you are asked the same thing in a famously Newfoundland accent as follows: “Ow’s she cuttin’, me cocky?”

Whew! Please, someone hand me a tissue as I’m feeling a bit overwrought, as we columnists in non-sexy family newspapers like to say. At this point, I’d like you to close the drapes and put the kids to bed, because I’m going to share one of the spiciest phrases in the Canadian language. It sounds like this: “Go, Jets, Go!”

Ha ha ha! OK, I need to take a cold shower, eh?

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca