Royal wedding party tips for the uninvited

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/05/2018 (2983 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

If you’re like me and did not receive a handwritten invitation to this morning’s royal wedding, then, unfortunately, you are totally out of luck.

Or, as our British friends like to put it, you are “aaaht ov luck, me old knackered wazzock, lor’ luv a duck!”

That being the case, your only hope for getting an up close and personal view of the latest “wedding of the century” is to hide in the baggage compartment of a commercial jetliner, fly to London, take a cab to Windsor Castle, then attempt to sprint past the palace guards into the chapel… at which point you will be shot dead and give the rest of us something entertaining to watch on the telly.

Speaking of which, your only real option for watching Prince Harry and Meghan Markle stroll down the aisle is to attend one of the countless viewing parties being held in thousands of venues around the world.

This means you are going to need an insightful, informative and educational guide on how to watch what will surely be the social event of the decade. Unfortunately, I haven’t got one of those handy, but here’s a few helpful tips off the top of my head, starting with…

1) Where should I hold my viewing party? — The answer to this question is simple: you should hold your party at someone else’s house on the grounds that you are a slob and there is not enough disinfectant in the world to eradicate the green slimy things oozing from the back of your refrigerator, or the fact that the stinky socks in your laundry hamper have recently grown legs and scuttled away to hide under the living-room couch, which is covered in a thick layer of spoiled clam dip.

Wherever you watch the wedding, ensure their TV is skinnier than Paris Hilton and large enough to be seen while you stand in the driveway.

2) What time should my guests arrive? — OK, what I want you to do is roll over right now and take a look at your clock. If it says 8 a.m. (or possibly even later), you should just roll over and go back to sleep because you have (bad word) missed all the action.

From what I have read online, Harry and Meghan are scheduled to exchange vows this morning at 7 a.m. EDT, which translates to 6 a.m. Winnipeg time. Live wedding coverage is slated to begin at 3 a.m., our time, which means that if you even bothered to go to bed last night, you are most likely an idiot.

3) Who should I invite to the viewing party? — As a safety precaution, I am going to recommend you avoid inviting sane people, because no one in their right mind is going to get up this (bad British word) early to watch people they have never met tie the knot.

You should stick with inviting people who will be up at that time anyway, which means your guest list will include newspaper carriers, the CEOs of Fortune 500 companies and vampires.

4) What should we wear to watch the wedding? — Call me a prude, but I am going to suggest you wear, quote, “some manner of clothing.” We base this on the ongoing complaints from your postman who is sick and tired of you wandering past the picture window wearing nothing but a cheesy grin.

Considering how early the wedding is taking place, it would be fun to have a pyjama party, which means I personally will not be attending due to the fact that I do not currently own pyjamas.

In truth, what you wear is not nearly important as making sure you wear the correct colours to celebrate a royal occasion. The traditional royal colours are purple and gold, so if you have a team jersey for the Louisiana State University Tigers, you’re in luck.

I personally will be wearing my ratty royal blue bathrobe, because it gives me an air of dignity and ensures I’ll get the entire couch to myself. You could spend thousands of dollars on one of those wacky hats known as “fascinators” but it would be cheaper to attach an old TV antenna to your head. An antenna might not work at the wedding, but the reception will be excellent.

5) What food should I serve? — It’s a British wedding, so why not serve some delicious British food? Based on the teeth of every British person I have seen on TV, your best bet would be to hand out five-pound bags of raw sugar to all your guests.

Forget serving bacon, because British people love to gnaw on sausages. During the Second World War, they started referring to them as “bangers” as part of a practical joke on American tourists. Winston Churchill once famously said: “Ha ha ha! I got Franklin D. Roosevelt to say ‘bangers.’ What a gormless wanker!”

6) Do you have any tips for polite conversation? — To ensure your viewing party is a memorable occasion, make sure to keep the small talk flowing. To make the experience authentically British, you should pepper your remarks with assorted British slang words, such as “barmy,” “blooming,” “cheerio,” “cobblers,” “codswallop,” “cracking,” “full monty,” and “wigglesworth.”

You could also practise a few complete sentences to impress your less erudite guests:

Incorrect: “Doesn’t the bride look lovely this morning?”

Correct: “Blimey! Bad morning, mates, don’t yew fink da royal bride is a vision ov loveliness in ’er weddin’ gown. Nuff said, yeah?”

We hope these regal tips prove useful and you and your fellow commoners enjoy a truly joyous royal wedding. No doubt your invitation is in the mail.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca