Rub-a-dub-dub… that’s me in the tub

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/05/2018 (3000 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I have always thought of myself as a hip and happening newspaper columnist but apparently, I am even more hip and happening than I first suspected.

I base this bold statement on the fact that, as of yesterday morning, I am riding the crest of the hottest new trend in social media — taking selfies while floating in the bathtub.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Huh?” Well, that’s pretty much what I was thinking the other morning when I stumbled on several breathless online news reports stating that A-list celebrities simply can’t stop themselves from climbing into bathtubs — some filled with champagne and diamonds — and taking selfies to post on their Instagram accounts.

The hashtag #bathtubselfie has thousands and thousands of posts on the site.

Take a guess where I was when I stumbled on these vital news reports. As most regular readers have already deduced, I was floating in the tub, because that is pretty much what I do every morning.

For reasons I do not fully understand, I have always been a tub guy as opposed to a shower guy. Every morning, I engage in the following ritual — crawl out of bed, crawl to the front door to get the newspaper, crawl down the hall to the main bathroom, fill the tub with excruciatingly hot water, then climb in, stretch out and read the newspaper.

I realize I have already shared too much information with you, but here’s another fun fact: While in the tub, I am typically forced to hold the newspaper with one hand.

This is because I am a dog owner, and every morning one of the dogs will trundle into the bathroom and stare at me until I dip my arm in the hot water, then stretch it out over the tub so the dog can lick my soggy arm and form the following thought in its tiny brain: “Master, you have a pleasing salty taste.”

Right now every dog owner reading today’s column is saying: “Yes! I have done that with my dog! But please do not publish my name in a family newspaper.”

Whereas normal people — as well as some cat owners — are most likely saying: “Ewwww!”

I am such a tub lover that I once called Statistics Canada and asked them whether they kept data on the average time a typical Canadian spends floating in their bathtub. You will be shocked to hear this, but they said that is not the sort of activity the agency feels a pressing need to keep track of.

But enough about me. We need to get back to today’s topic, which, if you look back at the first couple of paragraphs, is about how celebrities taking selfies in the bath and posting them on Instagram has become a hot trend on social media.

This became apparent the other day when, during my morning tub, I scanned online news sites on my smartphone and spotted the following alarming headline: “Why the bathtub selfie is making a splash on social media.”

Given my pro-tub proclivities, I felt compelled to read this story on Moneyish.com, which began with the following breaking news: “This new selfie trend is bubbling over.

“Stars like Bella Hadid, Jourdan Dunn and Kendall Jenner are taking selfies in bathtubs like it’s the new red carpet step-and-repeat in snaps washing over Instagram feeds.

“The luxury-meets-leisure grooming pastime has become the new self-care-inspired photo trend at parties and events in lieu of voguing for paparazzi on the red carpet in front of giant logos. Instead, brands are investing in the ultimate bathtub installation, filled to the brim with champagne bottles on ice, jewels and even diamonds. And it’s all about doing it for the ‘gram.”

The question is: what are we non-celebrity persons to make of this new trend, wherein “A-list stars” such as Kendall Jenner and Rihanna are taking time out of their day to snap photos of themselves in the tub?

On the one hand, I suppose we are fortunate to live in a society wherein our celebrities strive to make the lives on us non-celebrities better by giving us access to photos of their famous selves engaged in vital tub-related activities.

On the other hand, I am also concerned they are having way too much influence on impressionable persons, such as myself. I say this because, after reading these stories, I felt I had no choice but to join in on the celebrity fun by taking a selfie of myself getting soapy.

This is when I discovered this seemingly harmless activity carries a very real danger, namely that, because your hands are slippery, you will drop your smartphone into the water and have a tough time finding it because of all the soap bubbles stinging your eyeballs.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca